Two Plus Two Publishing LLC Two Plus Two Publishing LLC
 

Go Back   Two Plus Two Poker Forums > >

Notices

House of Blogs I guess 2+2 is your blog.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-19-2015, 06:46 AM   #126
Yakmelk
Carpal \'Tunnel
 
Yakmelk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Its Professor to you
Posts: 13,219
Re: Cause and effect

Another good post Lapka, I personally have found that triggers only last for so long and the 'excitement' of the trigger wears off if you are able to postpone it long enough (for me often no longer than 10 minutes or something). Hows your job/living situation doing ?
Yakmelk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2015, 08:13 AM   #127
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

I want to have piece of mind. More than anything else. And I don't and never had it. And that makes me so desperate.

Will write later a longer update about current employment and living situation.

Edit: Now I am frigging upset. And I mustn't cry, because I had a mole removed near my eye, I mustn't drink or overeat or take anything, what would calm me down, or do anything unhealthy. I can't go now and exercise, because I am still in my current job and for the next 6 hours I have to perform here. How the fk I am supposed to cope? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Last edited by lapka; 05-20-2015 at 08:20 AM.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2015, 10:04 AM   #128
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

calmer, mellower

Concentrated working has helped. Somehow that does switch the mind from all HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, EXITING, DEPRESSING, UPSETTING thoughts. Working makes me be more in the present and that is somehow always calmer than thoughts about past or future.

Another positive of working, is that a work is actually getting done: have reinstalled my PC and recovered all data. Somehow managed a week ago to catch a Cryptowall. All recovery attempts have been unsuccessful, so new installation and being very happy about my back-up system.

Have made new Latex template for my cover letters and CV. Am pretty pleased with myself.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2015, 05:20 PM   #129
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

I am now until 30 of June in my old job and beginning at the first of July I have a new position in another city. Both jobs are in industrial RD. New position s in the city I like more and some other conditions are slightly better. I am pretty happy and at the same time pretty nervous about that change. Happy because the new position is better than my current one, nervous because you never know how the things will be going in a new place. Another point that adds to my nervousness is 6 month test period. In Germany usually the conditions are pretty good for the employees. If you have a job it is very difficult to get fired. Not so in the first 6 months of a contract. In this period both sides: employer and employee can terminate the contract without giving any reasons on a 4 weeks notice. It is very standard and basically every contract has that.
And it is also really used. I know from 3 people, who had lost their jobs in this way. That makes me nervous. Especially because that is something what is not entirely dependent on me doing a good job, but also on the market situation. And for the next 6 months I will continue to send out applications.

I am now renting an apartment and I have to find one in Hamburg in the next month. The first 6 month on a new job I will definitely rent. I mean I need some stability in job situation before considering to buy anything. I don't think that it will be difficult to find something to rent. I am not particular. It has to be clean without any mold problems or so and it has to be not so loud. Size or where it is, I don't really care.

The main thing, is to keep my mental stability in check, without exhibiting any destructive behaviour.

My to do list for tomorrow:
3 phone calls
1 job application
1 hour sport
remain calm and in control

tonight I still have to prepare for this three phone calls.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2015, 12:18 AM   #130
HankTheBank
grinder
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 615
Re: Cause and effect

Getting all these thoughts about yourself and personal growth seems to be a good outlet for you, it is a pleasure to read. There have been a few instances in my life where the feeling of wishing something bad upon somebody has happened and in certain cases it is quite unsettling especially when there is no logical reason for me to want bad things for them.

I can relate to many other parts of your life experience, self destructive behavior, guilt associated with over eating or binge eating, and the joy of meeting new people. To touch on the theme of your blog which is cause and effect I have found that being able to quiet my mind through sobriety has had a tremendous impact on all areas of my life, one of which is taking more interest in the lives of other people on 2+2, or in my day to day routine. Looking outward and into the lives of others has made my own self reflection more effective as I am able to apply some things learned by observing and listening to others. Being more self aware in general helps me to connect with the world, which in turn keeps the depression issue in check another experience we have shared.

Good luck with the new job and house search, I too will be going through that very soon!
HankTheBank is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2015, 03:19 PM   #131
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Next week going on a trip to Kopenhagen. Have to pack and to research what interesting can I do there. I will have for about two hours every day fix appointments and remaining time I can spend however I like.

Clearly I want to see
the little mermaid http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Mermaid
Tivoli http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tivoli_Gardens
Rosenborg http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenborg_Castle
And Christiania http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freetown_Christiania
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2015, 05:02 PM   #132
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Restless, anxious, sleepless, feeling lonesome, needy and like a burden to everyone around. Everything that comes to my mind to cope is destructive. Just trying to think about, what makes me feel like that, makes me feel only more anxious. Travelling makes everything worse. To much stress.

And whining whining and more whining does not really help now. (it helps pretty often but not now). So I might as well just recount what effort have I made last week to make things better.

worked out heavily. Especially on the pull-ups. There are a lot of preparational exercises, which one can do if pull-ups are to much, like reverse pull-ups, or partial pull-ups. I still can't do not even a single pull-up, but some of this exercises, that I couldn't do in a winter are working now.

shipped a micro MTT. It is not a live changing money, 100 $ for a first place. But it is still nice, because I have in my whole poker playing time only 6 first places. So it is still something special for me. Haven't played destructive.

kept my apartment in visitors-able condition.

Ordered some things, which I should have ordered long ago, like batteries and filters for my vacuum cleaner and some summer clothing.

Removed last suspicious looking mole. I had neglected skin cancer prevention visits for some years and decided recently, that I really should invest some time in this.
Result was that 5 moles should be removed. Happy, that no one of them was malicious.

working on a personal project here in Kopenhagen. May be I will write one day more about this project. For now it takes a lot of time, money and energy and does not look like a success story.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2015, 03:00 PM   #133
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

One of my friends checks regularly on me. I mean he knows me pretty well, I know him, I think, pretty well and he just really cares. I managed until now, at least I think so, not to be a burden to him. And I would really like to keep it that way. He asked me just now again how things are going. And the honest answer, is that things are not good. But by telling him that, nothing positive will be accomplished. I won't feel any better. And he would feel ****tier, because there is nothing he can do to make me feel better.

Short "I am fine", he won't accept. If I am fine, he wants to know what explicitly is fine....... And I am just now not able to pretend in a believable manner, that I am fine. My head is spinning from stress.

So no good way to say anything to the guy.......

edit: God, I am so grateful for the existence of the internet. I can be as miserable as I like here, an at least no one else gets more miserable because of me.

Last edited by lapka; 05-28-2015 at 03:09 PM.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2015, 05:55 AM   #134
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

me: God, I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, dumb and a looser in all areas of life
awesome friend: You can come over and I will proof, that you are totally attractive
me: ?????
awesome friend: we will have wild sex many many times
me:
awesome friend: you can eat a little bit more healthy and do that that and that exercise for a month 3 times a week and you will see results. If it won't work-out with new job, it is not the end of the world. You will find another one. You another projects will also work-out, if you just pay attention to live a little bit healthier. Everything is basically normal. Nothing is so tragic.
me: thank you thank you thank you. I feel so much better.

And I did feel really better. This AF=awesome friend has such ability to take drama out of things. Basically every time I am upset or anxious and tell him that, he somehow knows the words to calm me down.

So now although nothing really changed, everything is much better than yesterday. It is all in my head.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2015, 11:16 AM   #135
granddam
old hand
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,229
Re: Cause and effect

Sorry for your troubles, lapka.

A bit of advice I received when I went through this.

You believe that you would be a good mother. I believe this is true.

Pretend that you are reading your daughter's words when you read your last post. What would you say to your daughter to give her comfort and support? Then say these words to yourself.
granddam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2015, 04:36 AM   #136
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by granddam View Post
Sorry for your troubles, lapka.

A bit of advice I received when I went through this.

You believe that you would be a good mother. I believe this is true.

Pretend that you are reading your daughter's words when you read your last post. What would you say to your daughter to give her comfort and support? Then say these words to yourself.

My first reaction as I read that, has been : " I would never ever allow that my child will be so fkd up like myself. I would see all the signs much earlier and act so that it won't come to my situation". But then ... Never say never. My mom is a really good psychiatrist. She knows a ton and has seen a ton of human issues. And she still does not see and did not see not a single of my problems in time. So may be I would also be blind in this spot. So what would I say/do if I suddenly would see my issues going on in my daughter.

"
Dianochka, solnyshko. I am old. Everything you are going through, I have been through. This just can't be burden to me, because I already dealt with all that ****. I love you. I want and I can help you to deal with this issues. The truth is, that if you know the tricks, it is not a big deal.

You are anxious -come on let us bring some order in your closet. We sort through the staff, iron some, threw some away and will put a system in place that it won't ever again be that chaos. You will see, the anxiety will decrease. Some manual work and order in a physical surrounding really helps. It gives you a feeling of control over things.

You fear that the new job won't work-out...... Come on honey. You won't be hungry and won't be on the streets. I have means to support you your whole life. I understand that you don't want to be in the situation. I also know that you already lived by yourself on your own feet for 15 years. So if it has worked then, it will continue to work now. May be not in this job, but that is absolutely not tragic.

You feel fat.... NO ONE CARES. Really. You fear that men don't like you because you are fat....It is REALLY seldom that a guy likes to have just bones. Most of the men have some weight range with that they are OK. I would say that for 90% of men something between 50kg and 70 kg is usually OK. You are definitely in that range. Your problems with men so aren't coming from your weight. But men are another whole theme for itself

Main thing is that the world around you cares a lot less about you, than you think. I know that on one side it is hurting to hear that, because you want to be important in other people's life, you want to matter. But on the other side it takes a lot of angst out of existence, because it means that your relationship with world doesn't depend much on how perfect or bad you are. It is pretty stable: The world doesn't give a ****.

I love you my sunshine.
"
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2015, 08:18 PM   #137
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

how to feel in just 10 min less fat and less annoyed with the world.

1 min: squads as many as you can do correctly without weight (me:60)
2,3 min: 20 push-ups + 10 breath strokes long yoga triangle to each side repeat as many times as you can in 2 min (me: done twice)
4,5 min: 20 push-ups + 20 crunches rinse and repeat (twice)
6,7 min: down dog with leg-up for 1 min each side

8 min: lift the leg to the side and hold it in the air. each side 30 sek
9, 10 min: stretching

After shower and clean your teath or use some mouth wash.
Immediate good feeling and piece of mind.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2015, 08:59 PM   #138
granddam
old hand
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,229
Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
My first reaction as I read that, has been : " I would never ever allow that my child will be so fkd up like myself. I would see all the signs much earlier and act so that it won't come to my situation". But then ... Never say never. My mom is a really good psychiatrist. She knows a ton and has seen a ton of human issues. And she still does not see and did not see not a single of my problems in time. So may be I would also be blind in this spot. So what would I say/do if I suddenly would see my issues going on in my daughter.

"
Dianochka, solnyshko. I am old. Everything you are going through, I have been through. This just can't be burden to me, because I already dealt with all that ****. I love you. I want and I can help you to deal with this issues. The truth is, that if you know the tricks, it is not a big deal.

You are anxious -come on let us bring some order in your closet. We sort through the staff, iron some, threw some away and will put a system in place that it won't ever again be that chaos. You will see, the anxiety will decrease. Some manual work and order in a physical surrounding really helps. It gives you a feeling of control over things.

You fear that the new job won't work-out...... Come on honey. You won't be hungry and won't be on the streets. I have means to support you your whole life. I understand that you don't want to be in the situation. I also know that you already lived by yourself on your own feet for 15 years. So if it has worked then, it will continue to work now. May be not in this job, but that is absolutely not tragic.

You feel fat.... NO ONE CARES. Really. You fear that men don't like you because you are fat....It is REALLY seldom that a guy likes to have just bones. Most of the men have some weight range with that they are OK. I would say that for 90% of men something between 50kg and 70 kg is usually OK. You are definitely in that range. Your problems with men so aren't coming from your weight. But men are another whole theme for itself

Main thing is that the world around you cares a lot less about you, than you think. I know that on one side it is hurting to hear that, because you want to be important in other people's life, you want to matter. But on the other side it takes a lot of angst out of existence, because it means that your relationship with world doesn't depend much on how perfect or bad you are. It is pretty stable: The world doesn't give a ****.

I love you my sunshine.
"
This is absolutely beautiful, Lapka. Even though you suck at setting clocks, I think you'll make a great mom.

But your exercise program? Not gonna happen.
granddam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2015, 07:26 AM   #139
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

How dark can I go here before I get banned?
I have to reread stickies.

My mom said to me basically that I am fat stinky pig. I have gained 2 kg. Now I weigh 64 kg at 1,70m height. I know that that is not fat. I know, that that is pretty normal. But my mom grabed my side and said, that that all is to much. To be fair she did not say that I am fat stinky pig, but she did grab my side and said, that I should put some effort to get rid of that fat. And she said that I smell. ..... I .... am... I know again, that I don't smell bad. After she said that first time I spoke with my doctor and several other people, whom I trust, that they would tell me the truth. The doc smelled nothing and not one of others gave me any hint that I might have strange odor.
But I am fat stinky pig for my mom.

So what I am in reality? That is really wicked.

P.S. The irony is, that she weighs well over 100 kg at 1,6 m height.

Last edited by lapka; 06-07-2015 at 07:37 AM.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2015, 07:57 AM   #140
granddam
old hand
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,229
Re: Cause and effect

Dear Lord, lapka. Sometimes I think you are doing some sort of mind-reading.

My initial reaction was, "What a horrible woman your mother is". I felt empathy for how you must feel.

But then I realized that I have said a similar thing to my grandson. I thought that I was fearful that he would be bullied, and unsuccessful.

Your post made me think about this again, and I think that I am fearful that people will look at him and think that I am not going MY job. I am fearful of being embarrassed myself. I'm making it about me. WTH? Your mom is a psychiatrist. Shouldn't she know all this?
granddam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2015, 01:52 AM   #141
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by granddam View Post
Dear Lord, lapka. Sometimes I think you are doing some sort of mind-reading.

My initial reaction was, "What a horrible woman your mother is". I felt empathy for how you must feel.

But then I realized that I have said a similar thing to my grandson. I thought that I was fearful that he would be bullied, and unsuccessful.

Your post made me think about this again, and I think that I am fearful that people will look at him and think that I am not going MY job. I am fearful of being embarrassed myself. I'm making it about me. WTH? Your mom is a psychiatrist. Shouldn't she know all this?
Ach granddam. My mom feels similar like you. She wants me to have good life. And I would be completely cool if someone else would have told me that I am fat and should loose weight. But with my mom I so can't stay cool.The thing that makes it tough to digest, is not what is said, but that it is said by someone to whom i have no distance. I feel not good enough to be loved even by my mom.

Granddam, How old is your grandson?


On the positive:
- have signed an apartment lease in hamburg, in full transition between jobs and cities.
- have done every day 3 to 4 times my 10 min feel good work-outs
- travel this weekend again to Kopenhagen
On the negative:
- spent to much time thinking.

What would you do?
My parents are married 40 years. It is not a good marriage. Last thirty years my mom is the solely bread winner in the family. My father has no income of any kind. He is also not really doing the chores and all things, that a normal houseman would do. Basically my mom works her tail off 60 hours + in her job, then she comes home and has to cook and do housework, while my dad spends his days on the internet, gaming and enjoying life.

But my dad has full access to all money accounts. I have this week accidentially found a box in his room with 40k euros cash. Further research showed that he basically was taking every month some money out of this accounts and putting it in cash in this box. My mom has no idea that this is going on. It makes me FURIOUS. It makes me REALLY FURIOUS. I am convinced that he must be punished for that. That is so completely unfair, that my mom works her way into the early grave and my dad has stress free life and steals on top.

So what I am gonna do about that? To open my moms eyes about what is happening is not an alternative. She has high blood pressure and i am afraid, that if she finds out she could die. Not to do anything about it makes me having high blood pressure. It is so freaking unfair.

It makes me soooooo sick.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2015, 07:30 PM   #142
granddam
old hand
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,229
Re: Cause and effect

What a mess, lapka.

Are you positive mom knows nothing?

I think I would wait a day or two, when I had a chance to calm myself, and then I would confront dad. I would assume the attitude of being overjoyed that he and mom had accumulated such a large extra nest egg, but then tell him that he and mom should know better than to keep such large amounts of cash in the house. Tell him that you would be happy to talk to mom about alternative places, such as a safety deposit box at the bank.

This way, you will not be confrontational, but you have made him aware that you know. There is a chance that he is saving this to surprise your mom in some way.
The cat will be out of the bag, and he will need to do something.
granddam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-16-2015, 09:00 PM   #143
JSLigon
journeyman
 
JSLigon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 396
Re: Cause and effect

Your dad who doesn't work or help out around the house has been patiently building up a large cash reserve, for many years probably? It's a sad situation for your family, but kind of interesting. I'd expect a guy like that to spend any extra cash almost immediately. But he's got a dream of some kind. Saving up for something...

I'm very curious about what he's planning to do with it. Tropical island getaway, one day he simply disappears? Paranoid and needs to be prepared for some unspecified calamity that causes the money to suddenly run out?
JSLigon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2015, 03:13 PM   #144
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

The story with cash box has some prehistory, which also explains how do I know that my mom has no idea, that that is going on.

My dad was always so. When I was little and my parents young and we lived in Kasachstan he did work. And he did exactly the same thing with money. My mom payed all family expenses like utility bills and money for housing. Grocery shopping was done by both of my parents. And whatever was left from my dad's salary he took in cash, put it in shoebox and this shoebox was hidden not in our appartment but in the appartment of my grandmom, the mother of my dad.

My mom did find out. I don't know how. It has happened decades ago, and my mom feels so betrayed by that, that to this days, when she talks about that, it ends always in tears. If she would find out that exactly the same thing happens again and on top with the money that she earns with really tough work, there would be a victim. Not sure who, but someone would get hurt. Especial significance has that this money box was hidden not in our apartment, but in the apartment of my grandmom. This time it was exactly the same. I found it only because I was taking care of my grandmom for two weeks.

And I have to take the side of my mom here. I mean it is a statement from my dad how he views our family.

And he has no dreams with regard to finances. And he so doesn't worry about that something could happen, where large pile of money is suddenly needed. I am sometimes envious of him. He is so egocentric, that it is like the world around him just does not exist. He doesn't see worries and problems and all OPP (other people's problems) and it is so just not in his head, that the situation like it is, is not normal. He has not a trace of a doubt that he deserves to have such life and it will always remain so.

I know so good, why he does that, that it is not even funny. It is absolutely the same connection that a little boy has to his piggy bank. He cherishes this money and counts it at least once a week and views it as completely and solely his money although he didn't earn it in any way. It is for him emotionally comforting to have this pile of cash in a box, where only he has access to it.

Last edited by lapka; 06-17-2015 at 03:22 PM.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-18-2015, 02:31 PM   #145
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

- At the family dinner I had a talk with my parents, where I said, that my mom should pay more attention to her money accounts because there is now a danger of some fraud form hackers and such. This way I avoided to tell that I know what is going on, but it will stop. I mean it would come nothing positive out of any confrontation of my dad or my mom with the reality on that. And so my mom will pay more attention to her money and my dad knows that.

- Positive things to learn from gambling addiction:

Like I already stated, I am a gambling addict. It is under control, this means non-destructive, but it was not always so. And I learned a lot from this challenge in my life. It is definitely not so, that I wish I never had it.

One positive thing that I learned, is that I am never stressed about any bills. I have been in a situation where I could not pay bills. And I did not die and basically nothing really horrible did happen and if I project worst case it is still so that the real consequences are a lot less than a stress that was there at the beginning. And somehow after I have gone through that, money just doesn't stress me. And it is not only money, but many many situations/things which would drive me in my twenties up the walls I can take now completely cool. What stresses is usually not the real consequences, but that people are pissed in some way because of me. And to take that more relaxed is something I learned from gambling addiction.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2015, 02:13 PM   #146
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Yesterday binged BAAADLY. Trigger had been cornflakes. I know that I can't eat any industrial cereals normal. In the last 10 years every time I ate them it ended in an uncontrollable binge. I know that. And there are no cornflakes or any cereals in my place. But I am staying in an apartment of a friend in another city. And he has cornflakes. And they are so convenient. (LOL. It seems that every time the word convenient comes into play, my eating goes really bad path) So I ate a bowl. And as a result ate whole day non-stop all **** that came my way and felt like **** at the end of the day.

Today is better. Breakfast has been a bowl of strawberries with kefir.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2015, 06:22 PM   #147
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

It is soooooo cool that my depression went away. I still have a lot of issues and problems and totally disturbed eating pattern, and stress, BUT I have good, nice, regular sleep, I really don't think about suicide any more and I have a plan how to tackle my problems. It is soooo cool.

Just now I am stressed out of my mind, trying to find travelling options from Hamburg to Frankfurt, that do not contradict my to do list and time plan and mentally out of habit went to " How about killing myself" and immediate thought was "Naaah, nonsense." And it is soooooooooo unbelievably, incredibly, TONS better than it was when I was depressed.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2015, 05:46 PM   #148
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

How to get connected with the world and people and myself? What does that mean exactly to be connected?

I feel a complete and utter disconnect from ... world. Things that should cause certain emotions, just don't. Some of that is good, like bills and money and job related things don't really cause any stress. Some of that is not so good, I also don't feel much joy.

Simple thing. went for a run today. 20 km. Pushed myself really to the limit and done it in just under two hours. For many of you it is just LOL, but for so old and fat woman like me, it is decent. (Yes it is a brag. I think it is cool, that I have done it under two hours. ) Should have had a runners high. I used to get a high even just after 30 min of running. NOTHING. Slightly annoyed, but nothing major positive and nothing major negative. Disconnect even from physical experience.

On one side I don't feel like communicating, on the other side I feel a need to connect somehow with people/world around me.

Have to travel tomorrow. Blurg. Hate traveling.

edit: Exactly this disconnect causes me not having a relationship. I didn't feel connected with any of the men, whom I dated in last years. Fk. I have to fix that.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2015, 06:52 PM   #149
granddam
old hand
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,229
Re: Cause and effect

Maybe you should stop blaming the corn flakes. At the risk of being an old busybody, I realize that you solved your mom's problem with the money, but, what did you do with YOUR anger at him? Stuff it under the cornflakes?

Please don't see this as mean towards you, because I really don't want to come across like that. You come across as a delightful person with a wicked sense of humor, but you seem brutal to yourself in terms of your feelings.

You seem to have shoved your feelings toward your father somewhere. Failing to acknowledge them makes one feel dead and disconnected inside.

I'm not recommending that you hit him with a brick or something, but at least recognize that you had a good bit of anger worked up. Accepting that and working it off as such might go a long way in helping you feel connected.
granddam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-2015, 10:42 PM   #150
lapka
 
lapka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Now... in a surprisingly good place
Posts: 4,440
Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by granddam View Post
Maybe you should stop blaming the corn flakes. At the risk of being an old busybody, I realize that you solved your mom's problem with the money, but, what did you do with YOUR anger at him? Stuff it under the cornflakes?

Please don't see this as mean towards you, because I really don't want to come across like that. You come across as a delightful person with a wicked sense of humor, but you seem brutal to yourself in terms of your feelings.

You seem to have shoved your feelings toward your father somewhere. Failing to acknowledge them makes one feel dead and disconnected inside.

I'm not recommending that you hit him with a brick or something, but at least recognize that you had a good bit of anger worked up. Accepting that and working it off as such might go a long way in helping you feel connected.
10 points out of 10 possible, granddam. Tx for a kick in a right direction.

Will write the days more to that. And I love the Internet. Until now in my life, every problem I had put out on the Internet was solved somehow.
lapka is offline   Reply With Quote

Reply
      

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ę 2008-2010, Two Plus Two Interactive
 
 
Poker Players - Streaming Live Online