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Old 06-10-2017, 09:49 AM   #1401
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Re: Cause and effect

He approves the idea


They are so incredibly cute. And when such a small fury ball tries to stop my hand from lifting him out of the bag.... It is cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttteee. He has a tiny tiny tiny teeth and can't even scratch me, but behaves like a real tiger.

I would love to take at least one of them with me. Sadly the living conditions I can offer to him in Germany are less cat friendly than he has now. I can't keep a him in an appartment without possibility to run around.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:53 AM   #1402
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Re: Cause and effect

I am learning to live in a moment. In a week I have to leave back to Germany. And I try now just enjoy the moments with Dima without thinking of what it will be or not be in two months. It is so out of habit for me. Usually I plan everything out and I prefer to have negative certainty to uncertainty. My default would be to pester him now to decide if he is with me or not in all fertility problems. Somehow manage to avoid this even without any anxiety from my side.

Generally one of the best things I learn with time is not to give control over my life to anyone. Not to my employer, not to men in general and now not to Dima. I mean my situation would be horrible with just another mind set. I mean I found a dude, who is not scared of my education, with whom we can laugh about same jokes, who is willing to move states for me, who wants children, whom I respect, who is into me despite me being in russian standards somewhere 3/10... And now if we have a future or not depends on me getting pregnant. Something with which I know that I have a problem and there is no solution like : do A, B, C and you will get pregnant. It would be such an enormous pressure on me with different mind set. And now I am somehow able to enjoy all the pleasant stuff in being engaged without stressing out about that may be it all is gonna end in few months. That works only because I know with 100% certainty that I will be fine and complete with or without him.
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Old 06-10-2017, 01:16 PM   #1403
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Re: Cause and effect

Yes, this is the lesson. It hurts just as much. You just handle the pain better.
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Old 06-10-2017, 01:54 PM   #1404
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Re: Cause and effect

Hopefully things work out. If not, well... Не всё коту масленица
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Old 06-10-2017, 08:19 PM   #1405
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I am learning to live in a moment. In a week I have to leave back to Germany. And I try now just enjoy the moments with Dima without thinking of what it will be or not be in two months. It is so out of habit for me. Usually I plan everything out and I prefer to have negative certainty to uncertainty. My default would be to pester him now to decide if he is with me or not in all fertility problems. Somehow manage to avoid this even without any anxiety from my side.

Generally one of the best things I learn with time is not to give control over my life to anyone. Not to my employer, not to men in general and now not to Dima. I mean my situation would be horrible with just another mind set. I mean I found a dude, who is not scared of my education, with whom we can laugh about same jokes, who is willing to move states for me, who wants children, whom I respect, who is into me despite me being in russian standards somewhere 3/10... And now if we have a future or not depends on me getting pregnant. Something with which I know that I have a problem and there is no solution like : do A, B, C and you will get pregnant. It would be such an enormous pressure on me with different mind set. And now I am somehow able to enjoy all the pleasant stuff in being engaged without stressing out about that may be it all is gonna end in few months. That works only because I know with 100% certainty that I will be fine and complete with or without him.
really found this post helpful, for me.that stuff takes strength. hi lapka.
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Old 06-11-2017, 02:07 PM   #1406
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by spaceman Bryce View Post
really found this post helpful, for me.that stuff takes strength. hi lapka.
Tx for the compliment, Bryce.
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Old 06-11-2017, 04:00 PM   #1407
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Re: Cause and effect

One about churches and religion in Russia

The biggest religion is christian-orthodox in Russia followed by islam and buddhism. All this churches that you know as typical russian with colorful or golden domes, that remind me of turk turbans are russian-orthodox churches.

Here you can the central church on the red place: Basilius Cathedral. You see how colorful it is.


in opposite to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour


The more colorful Church is about 3~4 hundred years older than more monochrome version. You can see the influence of the European architecture in the monochrome church with golden domes. I didn't go inside any of this two, because it was to full for me to feel good and spiritual inside.


Instead I went into a small church near metro Sokol


I didn't take any pictures inside, because there are old ladies in the church, that don't look kindly at taking any pictures inside. Basically the church is run by this old ladies. If you go inside and make something, that you think is perfectly fine and respectful, but the old ladies don't like, you will get corrected pretty harshly. I lit a candle and apparently somehow positioned it wrong. The candle was teared out, and re-positioned and I was reprimanded.

Another detail of russian-orthodox churches that is different to all other christian confessions I know something about: there is no possibility to sit down in a church. If the pop (that are this russian clergymen) does the service for two hours, then you stand there for two hours. Theoretically you can bring something to sit down with you, but it is frowned upon.

Another thing, the western tourists have to pay attention to, is that there is a dress code. It is kind of unofficial, so you can't be sure if you get thrown out, because of your shorts, but if you want to avoid being reprimanded by old ladies that are in every church, then for men are long trousers and covered torso, for women it is long skirt, clearly covered shoulders and some kind of head scarf. That is basically what granddam noticed in the que for Cathedral of Christ the Saviour: all women have covered head. Luckily I knew that, so one harsh interaction less.

Generally....... I think religion in Russia is net negative for the people. In West it has a lot more social function and in Russia big part of ressources that church gets goes into luxury for clergy. I mean clearly there are some poor pops somewhere in a village, that try to give some solace and hope to really disadvantaged. But the net of this organised religion is in my opinion negative.
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Old 06-11-2017, 06:25 PM   #1408
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Re: Cause and effect

Was the whole day with Dima. Should have had spent about two hours answering few emails that have to be answered today latest. One kind of advantage but at the same time disadvantage at all my jobs was always comparatively free time distribution. Due to this I can stay now a week longer in Moscow, but it is not really holliday. I have to respond to important stuff.

Meeeeeehhhhhh I procrastinated this emails whole day long. Now Dima sleeps and I have to do this...... I mean it is not really much work. If I really focus, then max two hours. But to force myself and really do it.... I mean alone this post is actually procrastination. But writing that down basically always makes me start with task that I don't like NOW.

So go me go!
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Old 06-11-2017, 07:00 PM   #1409
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Re: Cause and effect

Hohoho!

I am so disciplined. Everything done. It was actually completely easy and smooth and routine. The only difficult point was this switching from Moscow and Dima and everything here into my German routine tasks.

And I am a lot faster than I thought.
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Old 06-12-2017, 03:51 AM   #1410
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Re: Cause and effect

There is a bunch of things in life I can't control. It is big deal to control things I can. On Thursday is a flight back. I can't control neither what this engagement will become, no if I get pregnant or not. That sets off such waves of anxiety every time I focus on it. I have to focus on different stuff: Yoga, having fun now, not losing my pass, check my emails, being non-pestering fun for Dima, calling my mom and being relaxed and cool in the call, just absorbing everything new for me.
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Old 06-12-2017, 05:13 PM   #1411
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Re: Cause and effect

A link from log in HF of coon74.

I so disagree with his take away from this talk.

Examples of my life, where it was sooooooooo good decision for me to leave order and get uncomfortable:
- This trip. I clearly was super uncomfortable and stressed out to the limits starting it. But I definitely improved my situation in it. I learned that I function in Russia pretty well, I got engaged and I had few pretty promising appointments with fertility clinics.
- My job. The best best best thing I learned to do with time, is to leave jobs where I am unhappy, even without having the next job in a que. I was about two month unemployed since I started this blog. It didn't kill me. It was motivating. It is uncomfortable state, but so much better than to be unhappy in a job. And now my current job ends this month and in autumn I start as a prof. And I am not even stressed about it.
- GA. GA sounds horrible. And it was really bad place. But I learned sooooooooooo MUCH about me, how I function, about life, about friends, about money, about what are actually my priorities through GA. I learned how to deal with pretty difficult situations through GA. So in aftermath I am grateful to the Universe, that I had to go through such an uncomfortable place.

I mean I don't have to be constantly in an uncomfortable place, but to visit it on a regular basis improves my situation on average over time a lot.
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Old 06-16-2017, 05:46 PM   #1412
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Re: Cause and effect

Back to Germany. Rotating like crazy.
Big things that I have to do:
- finish this job in ordered fashion
- organize invitation for Dima's visit here. I had to do a lot of paperwork to go to Russia, he needs more. He needs an invitation from me to even apply for visa.
- continue with preparation for IVF
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Old 06-16-2017, 07:16 PM   #1413
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Re: Cause and effect

Why?

spiders are : disgusting, scary, to avoid at all costs, just thinking about them makes me wanna shriek
wasps are: a little bit scary, I feel like I should go out of their way, but they don't make me wanna run
butterflies, ladybirds: are cool and I always want to hold them

My reaction is completely irrational considering that the only of them that could actually harm me a little bit are wasps. How do I come to this thought? While I was in Russia I got a wasp's nest and two huge spiders at my balcony. Today was big fight between me and spiders. I won with help of chemical weapons in form of hair spray and deodorant spray and a vacuum cleaner. A ceasefire is negotiated with wasps. I don't touch them, they don't go into my apartment and let me do all I want at my balcony without stinging.
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Old 06-16-2017, 10:30 PM   #1414
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Re: Cause and effect

It's funny spiders don't worry me and we have poisonous ones here but I am quite stressed out by mice who are harmless enough. Makes no sense.
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Old 06-17-2017, 04:20 AM   #1415
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Re: Cause and effect

Ohhhh yeahhhh, I have been to Australia. I remember an incident with flying cockroach (they are HUGE in Australia compared to European), when I tried to run away from it shrieking through the office. Everyone was highly amused until one one secretary just stepped on it.
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Old 06-17-2017, 10:43 AM   #1416
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Re: Cause and effect

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40307918

This guy played a big role in my personal history. Without him my family wouldn't have immigrated to Germany. We would still live in Kazachstan and my life would be very different. I don't know if it is good or bad. I also don't know if Helmut Kohl was good or bad for Germans in general or Europeans in general or World. But without a doubt he was someone who made history, someone who changed things. Without him world would be different now. I can't say the same about Angela Merkel.
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Old 06-17-2017, 02:38 PM   #1417
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Re: Cause and effect

i am really lucky that I am not scared of getting old and death.

Just read in one another blog something along the lines :"Yeahhh 40 is coming and soon decay and death and everything is over". I get it. I get this feeling of finitness of life. I get that seeing visible signs of decay in your own body is disturbing. But somehow.....I would NEVER want to be back 20 y.o. I am now in so much better place that at 20 that this place is totally worth almost two decades of my life. And I am somehow just not scared of death. I think big contributing factor is that I did live "juicy". I remember me being 20 sth and talking with a very good friend about how we should live. Our conclusion was: " live to the fullest, not scared, the feeling should be like biting into big juicy sweet mango". I think I did that. I don't know...... I gained more than I lost in this years....

And with physical side I have another small test how far I am decayed on 15 July. Mini triathlon: 500 m swimming, 22 km bicycle and 5 km run. Goal is to be under two hours, preferably better than in years before. My personal best time for this is 1 hour 56 min.
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Old 06-17-2017, 07:12 PM   #1418
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Re: Cause and effect

Awesome outlook and gl with the biathlon (from a 20yo)
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:56 AM   #1419
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Re: Cause and effect

What a relief to have eaten the biggest frog of the day. Had to make a phone call to one of the clinics. Dreaded it absolutely although there was nothing difficult. Half an hour of a day before the phone call I was so consumed by thinking about it and how much I hate it and how bad it is gonna be. And now when I am done with this call, I see how good the weather is, I am glad that I can basically work when I want it so that I can just go to the swimming pool now, I can think how awesome life is and just jump Jump JUMP.
Spoiler:
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Old 06-19-2017, 02:57 PM   #1420
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Re: Cause and effect

I am actually really lucky that I am in good health considering all dumb stuff I did in my life. Stumbled across this vid. That was huge part of my childhood: climbing on various garages and construction sites and jumping down. I think the highest was something between 4~5 m that I jumped down. Booooyyyy was I dumb. Why again did I do that?
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Old 06-20-2017, 05:09 PM   #1421
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Re: Cause and effect

LOL poker.

Playing 2/4 cents FL to wind down. There are no good players at 2/4 c FL. Sometimes there are especially funny exemplars. My neighbor from the right is a dude that sits there with 108$. I say it again 108$ @ 2/4c FL. Considering that he plays: VP of 96% I contemplate to stay at the table until all his 108$ go into my BR. Generally hands are seriously funny. I will see later that I pick out something especially ridiculous and post it.
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:08 PM   #1422
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Re: Cause and effect

Hand history converter isn't working.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:26 PM   #1423
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Re: Cause and effect

Sometimes I think I have a hard life. You know ... along the lines: " me, poor poor bunny. And why all this fertility issues must happen to me. And why this and that......." But then basically always it is sufficient to look around and I see immediately fates that make me so grateful to the Universum for how good I have it.

Things for which I am grateful today:
- OOT. It is really a super cool resource. It is like having few brains at once for thinking. I mean today I posted a question in LC about possible job in a small company. And I have basically immediately 5 aspects of the whole situation about which I didn't even think myself.
- Weather. It is sunshine and I swim every day. I like sunny weather.
- Poker. I had fun today taking 2$ out of 108$ that a 96% VP opponent brought to 2/4c FL table.
- My health. I have basically no problems now.
- I don't have to deal with nobody difficult already pretty long period of time. I don't know how comes but people are just nice and approachable and open for my POV. Basically everything just runs very smooth right now.
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Old 06-21-2017, 07:39 PM   #1424
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Re: Cause and effect


Today is summer solstice. Since I believe in magic and strange things, I am going to celebrate it. I baked this: http://wildwalks-southwest.co.uk/blo...-ive-ever-had/ and am sitting now outside looking at the sky and trying to get in-tune with Universum/higher power/magical forces and to understand better how things that are important for me work.

I am still at the definition of magic that I gave in my OP here: it is causal connection between two things that is not apparent and not well understood in today's science. What is Universum/higher power/God/(this thing with which I try to get in-tune now) for me? ..... I have my difficulties to answer this question, but I can list few attributes that this entity has for me:
- It is non-emotional. I can't make it neither happy no sad whatever I do.
- It is not omnipotent. If I try to get it to do stuff like turning water into wine, it just shrugs like I would shrug at someone completely nonsensical.
- It understands and knows all possible causal connections. Basically what I mean by getting in-tune with it, is to understand a little better what I have to do to get a certain result.
- It doesn't do stuff for me. I can't do something like pray or say a spell and wave magic wand and then I have everything I wanted.
- I have a feeling that it helps me in the sense that I get better what are the cause and effect pairs and it helps me to stay more calm and grounded when I tend to flip-out.

May be it is a part of my psyche?
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Old 06-23-2017, 01:07 PM   #1425
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Re: Cause and effect

Dima is coming on 10th July. Right now I feel good about it. We talked for two hours yesterday and he is apparently happy to see me again. It makes me also feel good. It is a lot of stress and money to organize this trip. And he says and signals with all possible communication channels that it is worth it for him. He wants to see me. That gives me good feeling like I am worth it, I am good enough for going through a lot of stress and money to see me again.

When we don't talk for few days, I am starting to get doubts and second thoughts. I am used to be on my own, I am used not to share my apartment with anyone. How this is gonna be? Will he start to annoy the crap out of me after a week of 24/7 together? Does he expect me to spent all the time with him? Can he keep himself busy? Can I satisfy his expectations with my cooking and generally with how do I keep my household?..........
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