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Old 04-20-2017, 12:16 PM   #1251
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Re: Cause and effect

Amazing how some your food choice match to kind of food my (new) gf likes as well.
Last 2 weeks we prepared food with wild garlic (bought) and sorrel (harvested on her own balcony). Wild garlic for example we prepared couple of very different dishes: a soup, a curd that we eat together with some specific kind of potatoes, using it as toping for different kind of salats.

Reading about your online dating another statement of my (new) gf comes to my mind. At one point she mentioned that intelligent woman are often lonely. That it is way harder for them to find bf, rather then for intelligent man. One reasoning that woman , even if intelligent, want always a partner that is at least on same level of intelligence (and usually at least same height, which is less of a problem). Maybe orginal search is broader, but in the end really falling in love only to man that match this filter. And man do not have similar problem, lot of intelligent man that confident with more simpler woman as long as she is good looking. Not sure if it matches too you as well Lapka, just comes to my mind when reading that you find many conversations boring and these kind of things.

All the best for your search nevertheless. Hopefully you find your mister right one day soon.

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Old 04-20-2017, 06:18 PM   #1252
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Re: Cause and effect

On bullying

LC in OOT brings some memories.....

I was bullied in the school. Few guys did beat me-up on a regular basis. I told my parents, my parents told me to deal with it. I dealt by skipping the school. At the time it seemed the only possibility to escape the beatings. For about a month I wasn't going to school and then it came out. A teacher came to our house to ask what is going on and why I am not in the school. For my parents that was BIG SHOCK. I mean school was always the priority and alone the idea that I was just skipping it was just outside of realm of possibility for them. After some talking and crying my mom finally understood how bad it was. My mom took me by the hand and went directly to the house of the leading bully. Then in presence of his parents she told him that if that happens one more time, she will as first beat me half dead (my parents never even slapped on my butt), because I let it happen and then kill him. It sounds wild and it was wild and highly emotional for everyone involved, but it totally did the trick. Beatings stopped.

Was I responsible in some way for this bullying? Definitely yes. I was socially inept (still am ) focused on school and did annoy the crap out of my bullies. Did I deserve beatings? Nope. No one does. Did my mom handle the situation well? Yepp. That was exactly the message that was understood. Some of you will start: She should talked to the teacher, talked to the parents, how did his parents react to my mom threatening to kill his son....... BS. That was exactly the right message. His parents were rather grateful. Teachers were themselves afraid of this guy. She did hit exactly the right tone and the right words. Differently to me my mom is and always was socially very skilled.
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Old 04-21-2017, 10:47 AM   #1253
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Re: Cause and effect

Actually I am at surprisingly good place now. Not much flipping out, not much anxiety, dealing with everything I should be dealing.

- Upgraded my kitchen a little bit: Nothing fancy: just new fridge, new stove and a bucket of paint for the walls. But it looks a TON better.
- I have flowers standing around .
- I actually really managed to reduce my coffees to one cup a day. That is pretty big success for me. Was on my "I should do" list for years and somehow always fell under the table.
- And I actually pretty relaxed manage all the stuff that is on the non-optional to-do list, like my old and new job.

Life is good.
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Old 04-21-2017, 11:03 AM   #1254
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Re: Cause and effect

The part that your mom possibly didn't handle well was not doing anything when you first told her you were getting beaten
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Old 04-21-2017, 03:41 PM   #1255
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.mmmKay View Post
The part that your mom possibly didn't handle well was not doing anything when you first told her you were getting beaten
It is interesting how the communication works. My mom claims to this day that first time I mentioned any beatings was, when the teacher came to our house. I remember very well how I was explaining to her, why I have black eye again, months prior to that. Go figure..... And confirms again that there are different realities for every individual.

But I am so grateful to her that she got involved and stopped that, even if not when I first told about beatings. It was HUGE for my life that that had stopped.

And one of this bullies contacted me few years ago on russian facebook. I mean all the bullying is more than 20 years in the past and he tried the line " yea we went together to school. How is the life?"..... I got panic and started to think about if he has any possibility to find out where I live and what can I do about it. Such things don't disappear without trace.
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Old 04-22-2017, 11:42 AM   #1256
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Re: Cause and effect

Funny how brain works.... I haven't thought about this bullying for many years and now I am thinking about that.

I can't explain to myself why my parents reacted at the beginning this way..... I mean I am a nerdy girl, not a rambunctious boy.... was always and then I come home from school with visible signs of violence. I mean what have my parents thought? Probably both were to much in their own world .... A part of the reality of my mom is that I am and always was fine. Every time my mom got that I have some kind of problems it was a HUGE surprise for her. And she does whatever is possible to keep-up this reality. And my dad has only him in his reality. He just doesn't see anything beyond himself.

And another thing that is also very telling about my parents and me is that my mom went to the bully, not my dad. It is very telling. It tells also a lot about my mom that she, weighing then about half of this bully and being two heads shorter than him, managed to instill enough fear into him.
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Old 04-23-2017, 06:26 AM   #1257
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Re: Cause and effect



Actually good talk about different realities and how to create behavioral change.
The main idea: to separate our psyche in three different parts: habits (robot), emotions (emoter) and rational part (thinker) and how-to work them to create different behavior. The new for me part was that the emotional reaction we have is not to our sensor input, but to processed by our past experiences sensor input and how to change that.
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Old 04-23-2017, 11:24 AM   #1258
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Re: Cause and effect

I really really don't understand how people do multitabling. OK my main game is FL. May be that is the difference. But if I go even to two tables I immediately plummet to basically break even or even losing. I mean I am completely lost, if I can't pay attention. I don't know...... FL has a limited number of moves...... You can basically count them. And I just have to know if the guy rises on the flop, what does that mean...... May be I am also completely ineffective in using HUD. I understand that I can look it-up, but I am somehow a lot faster, if I pay attention and plain know then what is going on.
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Old 04-24-2017, 04:41 PM   #1259
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Re: Cause and effect

I had an unbelievably unproductive day. ZERO accomplishments.
Tomorrow has to be better:
- go take pictures for the Russian visa
- apply for the Russian visa
- exercise at least 30 min. A big part of this feeling "meeehhh" today comes for zero physical exercise.
- respond to my lawyer. He contacted me today with actually good news, but I somehow procrastinated to respond. This whole thing is connected for me with so much negative emotions that I avoid it, whenever I can.

If I do this four then I am good.

Related.... to today and
Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post


Actually good talk about different realities and how to create behavioral change.
The main idea: to separate our psyche in three different parts: habits (robot), emotions (emoter) and rational part (thinker) and how-to work them to create different behavior. The new for me part was that the emotional reaction we have is not to our sensor input, but to processed by our past experiences sensor input and how to change that.
What I am planning to do tomorrow is basically stuffing my emotions into the trunk and just do the right thing, no matter how I feel about it. I can do that. Exercise for the advanced is trying to modify my emotions so that they are not in the way of doing the right thing, but rather push me in the right direction.
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Old 04-25-2017, 11:34 AM   #1260
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Re: Cause and effect

RRAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNT

GOOOOD..... I hate travelling! especially to Russia.

I need a visa. You just can't do it online, so I thought a travel agent is a good idea. He should know how things work, and even if he costs me extra 50 Euro, I am fine with it, if it saves me all **** around it. BAAAAAAAH!
You need extra insurance to get russian visa. I didn't have it, so I thought the travel agent can organize it for me..... I was sooooo wrong. The guy had no clue. For every single point on the form he himself had to call someone. And with insurance..... He told me just that he can't do it! HE SELLS TRIPS THAT REQUIRE THIS ****ING INSURANCE!

Kill russian service!

Anyway...... I have now this insurance..... I did it myself. Was actually completely easy and made me wonder again about this stupid dude, who is such a fail, that I wonder how does he pay his bills. I mean I won't give him now 50 Euro.

But now is the exercise for advanced: fill out the form and bring everything to the russian consulate.

But boy, am I out of habit of dealing with such ****!
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Old 04-25-2017, 06:20 PM   #1261
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Re: Cause and effect

HAHAHAHA
You know.... this blog is a little bit about magic. One of nerdy approaches to magic is to google spells. I googled today - Abracadabra.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abracadabra

Abracadabra = "it came to pass as it was spoken". Basically "I create with words". I so believe that. I believe that verbalizing things changes the reality.
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Old 04-26-2017, 05:16 PM   #1262
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Re: Cause and effect



Thinking of granddam.

I so hope that she is fine, and just has better things to do than 2+2. She did influence my life big time. I would never have thought that such influence by internet-stranger is possible.
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Old 04-26-2017, 11:28 PM   #1263
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Actually I am at surprisingly good place now. Not much flipping out, not much anxiety, dealing with everything I should be dealing.

- Upgraded my kitchen a little bit: Nothing fancy: just new fridge, new stove and a bucket of paint for the walls. But it looks a TON better.
- I have flowers standing around .
- I actually really managed to reduce my coffees to one cup a day. That is pretty big success for me. Was on my "I should do" list for years and somehow always fell under the table.
- And I actually pretty relaxed manage all the stuff that is on the non-optional to-do list, like my old and new job.

Life is good.

Lapka, your life story, and your ideas and interests are so interesting - i feel like such an idiot in comparison lol

It sounds like you've been through a lot in your life, and have come such a long way - it's always inspiring to see someone who's struggled prevail and find happiness, through hard work and determination!

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Old 04-27-2017, 09:18 AM   #1264
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Re: Cause and effect

I like my lawyer.

It is woman in her sixties. We are dealing with a bunch of really really unpleasant for me stuff. But somehow.... She has such an aura, how she talks, how she presents herself and interacts with me makes me believe that everything is gonna be OK, and not only in things where she represents me as a client. After every meeting with her I feel uplifted, energetic and motivated to deal with things and I feel good about myself.

I would like to have the same effect like her on people around me.

And she is a proof, that not everything is about looks. She is overweight and dressed rather trashy.
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Old 04-29-2017, 04:43 PM   #1265
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Re: Cause and effect

Do I have sense of humor?

As first I clearly looked-up the definition of "The sense of humor":
"Humour (British English) or humor (American English; see spelling differences) is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement."

I find a lot less things amusing than average population. I already said, that I am somewhere on the autistic side of the spectrum and one feature of this is that I often just don't see what is funny in this or that.

But at the same time there are things that I find just funny: OOT has some gems, I like Bill Maher and Steve Harvey, Mark Twain and O. Henry and Douglas Adams and Dilbert and things like http://spikedmath.com. I like a lot many of the russian comics.

I basically always can find some comic when something breaks, even if it is a hassle to get things again into working condition or replace them. If I have a choice: to get pissed or to laugh, I laugh a lot more often than average.

I like and totally get the humor of young guy. When I was depressed and totally just chew his ear off with suicidal ideation, and how I want to hang myself on the next tree, his reaction was : "And?... No one cares.". And in the first second, I was just "WTF?", and then just started to laugh, because his reaction was somehow funny for me. I know that it sounds bazaar, but I knew that in reality he cares... And I don't know ... I can't explain it. But somehow his reaction just made me laugh.

And things like: "What are you doing for a living" -> " breathe" make me smile.

And when I start a ****ty thread about thread savers (naked girls here around) and someone posts a bunch of cat pics there, I get it and find it funny and cool and super nice.

So I am probably not completely humor free, just like a certain flavor of it.
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Old 04-30-2017, 05:03 AM   #1266
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Re: Cause and effect

How to deal with death? How do you deal with death?

Some posts are difficult. It is difficult to find the right words. I want to be strong supporting power in this situation, but I am so not sure if I am.

Maaannn. Writing things down is good. It forces me to think about, what is really bothering me and what exactly do I expect from other people. There is a friend, who is in a problematic situation. And I just can't help. It is plain not in my power. And it is disturbing for me. I like this friend and I am scared. And writing this down feels like I am begging for support, where I should actually be myself a supporting power in this situation.

I don't know...... I am scared of death. I wish this friend to get well. I wish her to have peace and be sure that everyone she loves will be well. I wish her good connection to the Universe/God/Higher Power.

This post is mainly for me. It is completely egoistic. I want to find my peace and forgive myself that I am not as helpful as I should be. And I understand that she has other problems than me now and she has her family and network around her and I am not so important. I know that she has other sources of comfort and solace and my failing here doesn't change much for her.


But still.... How to deal with death?
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Old 04-30-2017, 10:35 AM   #1267
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Re: Cause and effect

What does it mean to be supportive in the face of sickness or death? What would I like to hear if I would have some major health problems?

I would like to hear something. The worst thing would be if people just disappear, because they don't know what to say. And I don't know.....I really just don't know what I would expect from people around me. I think that it is really a fail in the modern western society, that such things are neither taught no shown. Death, sickness, aging are just swept under the rug, like they don't exist.
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:53 PM   #1268
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Re: Cause and effect

I work work work work work, and juggle all my balls, and try not to drop any of them and still feel overwhelmed and anxious. Today is Sunday and instead of doing nothing I was the whole day organizing my Russia travel and dealing with insurances and clinics and my lawyer. I want to be rich, but so not for consumption. I want to be able to pay for a good secretary who does all that **** for me. And I am really really glad that I am not a lawyer. That would be so tough job for me, I am so not cut out to deal with the stuff lawyers have to deal with.
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Old 04-30-2017, 09:44 PM   #1269
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
How to deal with death? How do you deal with death?

Some posts are difficult. It is difficult to find the right words. I want to be strong supporting power in this situation, but I am so not sure if I am.

Maaannn. Writing things down is good. It forces me to think about, what is really bothering me and what exactly do I expect from other people. There is a friend, who is in a problematic situation. And I just can't help. It is plain not in my power. And it is disturbing for me. I like this friend and I am scared. And writing this down feels like I am begging for support, where I should actually be myself a supporting power in this situation.

I don't know...... I am scared of death. I wish this friend to get well. I wish her to have peace and be sure that everyone she loves will be well. I wish her good connection to the Universe/God/Higher Power.

This post is mainly for me. It is completely egoistic. I want to find my peace and forgive myself that I am not as helpful as I should be. And I understand that she has other problems than me now and she has her family and network around her and I am not so important. I know that she has other sources of comfort and solace and my failing here doesn't change much for her.


But still.... How to deal with death?

Guess maybe when there's already a lot of stuff already weighing heavy on the mind and heart, there may be less energy available for giving to others? Although ... maybe sometimes when we set out thinking we're going to be the one giving to others, we can wind up receiving surprising things in return? Like who knows - maybe being there during treatments might ultimately wind up being a life affirming experience, if instead of feeling scared of death you actually wind up feeling more appreciative of life?

I don't know - guess am not too deep person, as you can probably tell from my blog


Was looking for a gift for a friend today on amazon, and stumbled on this journal that reminded me of your interesting posts Lapka

The journal got rave reviews from people - guess everybody liked the questions that are posed each day, to prompt the user to reflect on different aspects of their life? So the questions are things like:
  • What is your mission?
  • Write the first sentence of your autobiography.
  • Who do you want to know better?
  • Where do you want to travel next?
  • What do you wish you had said today?

All the questions are posted on the internet, if they're something that might interest you? They're on Pinterest, although guess everybody has to have an account to see the pins (https://www.pinterest.com/explore/365-questions/)? And there's some that seem to show up on the Google search as well ("Q&A 5 Year Journal Questions January")


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Old 05-02-2017, 02:18 PM   #1270
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Re: Cause and effect

Yea blogging is interesting thing.

I have few attempts previous to this one on various platforms. All of them died very fast because I tried somehow to write for an audience and just couldn't think of anything interesting for the masses. This one is somehow more for me. It is kind of a tool to sort through the stuff in my life. At the same time it is important to know that someone reads it, because it forces me to think about, how I do present my thoughts in most coherent manner. I mean it is still a mess, and I am often surprised that people understand at all, what I am talking about, especially with my English.

Anyway.... Played some poker today. Two free rolls. Both have similar structure with money distributed evenly between money places. Price money is in both 4 k. In one it is distributed between 100 places in another between 10 places. With 100 places tourney I am already in the money. It is 40 $, what is nice and was comparatively easy money.

The only really difficult hand for me was when 150 players left, I got dealt AK. I had 15 k, blinds were something like 500/1k and a guy with 40 k raised pre to 2 k. Call or not? I mean I had a chance to fold into the money, but it could be very tight. And if I call, then I have to be willing to go all-in, because no matter what the guy has, he will try to push me out of the pot with more than double stack. I called down to the river with A high the guy had A7. So you can say that I got lucky.

10 places paid tourney is a lot more difficult. I mean clearly money places are a lot better paid. There I am now at position 34 with 89 man left. My stack is 6k with blinds 50/100.
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Old 05-02-2017, 02:29 PM   #1271
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Re: Cause and effect

doubled-up, what is nice, with 22 against KJ pre-flop all-in.
Yea..... I know.... It is far from brilliant play to go all-in with about 50 BB with 22.

edit: chip lead with 59 man left.

Last edited by lapka; 05-02-2017 at 02:35 PM.
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Old 05-02-2017, 02:56 PM   #1272
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Re: Cause and effect

nr 5 from 17 left. So it remains interesting.

edit: nr 2 from 13. So if I don't make anything to dumb, I am in the money here.

edit: those dudes, who try to use every second of the time, when the play is hand for hand..... GRRRRRRRRRr

edit: Joojo. It is nice :440 $ from freerolls. Clearly if I recalculate that on the hourly, it is something to laugh at. But... for the next 30 min, I will be on gambling high.

Last edited by lapka; 05-02-2017 at 03:21 PM.
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Old 05-02-2017, 09:54 PM   #1273
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
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I mean it is still a mess, and I am often surprised that people understand at all, what I am talking about, especially with my English.
Phooey! You do post with sort of an accent, but your English is perfectly understandable.

Speaking of language…

According to Google Translate, “лапка” means “foot”, which seems like an odd thing to call yourself. (But it does kind of explain this post in the OOT nickname thread.) So is there more to the translation than that, or is there some story behind your name?
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Old 05-03-2017, 06:42 AM   #1274
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Re: Cause and effect



Google translator is not sooooo perfect sometimes. Lapka is minimization for the paw. Lapa would be a big/normal size paw, and lapka - small/cute paw. At the same time it is very popular term of endearment in russian. You can go to even cuter paw with lapochka.
Good english translations are honey, sweetie pie. You can call cute female or a child lapochka, but never a guy unless you want to be perceived as a homosexual. Although...now that I think about it. A girl can call a guy lapochka, but usually only when talking with other girls about him. Calling a guy to his face lapochka, wouldn't usually go well. It has more of cute and completely unmanly meaning.
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:04 PM   #1275
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Re: Cause and effect

Trying not to get crazy. Have expanded my to-do list into basically three tools I use to not get crazy:
- appointment calendar
- general to do list
- emails

Into appointment calendar goes EVERYTHING that has a point in time at which it has to be done. Includes dates, yoga course and professional stuff. To put there everything somehow calms me down. I feel less pressure to keep that all in my head.

To-do list has on it everything I have to do somehow, but I can squeeze it into time slots between appointments. I do a bunch of stuff on the train. German railway finally managed to organize free Wifi on the route I travel the most.

emails...... I have somehow to improve that one. My current strat is that I check it every day and open everything that could be important. The Result is that my Inbox has about 19k not opened emails. I have to cancel at least few subscriptions and may be back-up and delete everything that is older than a year. Have to think about that more. It is convenient how I do it now, but looks messy. Cancel subscriptions!
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