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Old 04-29-2015, 10:41 AM   #101
granddam
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Re: Cause and effect

Was the binge a result of the job offer? We're you happy celebrating with food, or, were you stuffing your feelings of anxiety?
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:03 PM   #102
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Re: Cause and effect

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Was the binge a result of the job offer? We're you happy celebrating with food, or, were you stuffing your feelings of anxiety?
And with binges....

Was grocery shopping. Saw a bag of chocolates on sale. Bought it. That was the point in time, where I lost it. Before I paid for it, I could have taken it out of the shopping cart. It was lost case after. Whole bag is gone. Bag had 11 pieces with 160 kcal each. Just seeing this bag on sale led to the idea to buy it, and after it was bought..... it was pass the point of no return. Was not emotionally triggered.

Haven't done 20 km. Only 10. Was bored out of my mind. I need some audio books or so for running. So for today I sit on 1000 kcal surplus.

Short recap of the job story.

I gave a notice at my current job some monthes ago, because I want to be in another city, more near to my family and to be more appreciated, also financially. So in a perfect situation I would be doing approximately the same, what I am doing now, but in Hamburg and for 10 % more money. One of the jobs I applied for was about 200 km away from Hamburg and I was overqualified a little bit. It was basically an entry position. Lucky for me HR of the company did their work and have really read my complete application. Then they forwarded it to a better suitable position directly in Hamburg. First round was OK. I mean they invited me for the second round.

The guy, who interviewed me and who will be my direct boss, if I take this job, is about 10 years younger than me. And age thing does totally change the situation. I felt completely secure, I had the initiative and structured the whole interview, the way I would like it. I started by sending him an email about 2 week prior to the interview with my suggestion for the agenda. That included 20 min introduction talk by me, and my questions, which I would like to clarify in the interview.


Then in the meeting I presented my talk and my previous work. The young boss presented one of the client requests, which they can't satisfy now and I then explained, what would be my strat in dealing with this request. Again age thing and being 10 years more on the job gave me the feeling of complete control over the situation. At the end money question was asked. I said 65 k euros (It is more than I have now, but less than one another offer, in completely other city. I want to be in Hamburg) for the first 6 months and then we have to renegotiate that, if both sides decide to continue. 6 months is in Germany kind of probation time. In this time employer and employee can give a one month notice. After it is a lot more difficult to let someone go, and you can also leave only with at least 3 months notice.

Now I have an offer. They gave me basically everything I asked for. That means that probably I could have asked for more. But it is OK so. If I take it, and everything is good, then I can renegotiate in 6 months.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:21 PM   #103
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Re: Cause and effect

Is there any question that you will accept this?
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Old 05-02-2015, 02:52 AM   #104
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Re: Cause and effect

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Is there any question that you will accept this?
Basically I am sure, that I will accept. But I will still use the time they gave me to think about it and let some other people read it. ^^

Money

slipslope's thread about high class escort, makes me so happy, that I am not desperate for money. I find this thread so fascinatingly horrific. Slip being obviously mentally ill and begging so desperately and at the same time so dumb and jumping through the hoops. Others merciless trolling him in a really mean way. How far can people go? How far would slip go, how far would EL D and Dominic go? And why it is so fascinating for me, that i can't stop read that ****?

But back to me.

I was not always so good with money. i mean I am still in a situation, where 500 K vacation seems VERY absurd to me, but now money doesn't stress me. And I was in a place, where 2 days after my pretty good salary had hit my account, there was nothing left for the remainder of the month. You can imagine the level of stress.

The key step in changing that, was that I stopped borrowing any money. Not to pay the bills, not for food, not for rent, just stopped. Not from the banks and not from family and friends. First two months was pretty tough. I remember living two weeks of free coffee and cookies in my job and being really really grateful, when friends invited me for dinner. After the initial months my level of payments sank below my salary and things got more relaxed. Now I am not rich, but debt free and money stress free.
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Old 05-02-2015, 10:47 AM   #105
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Re: Cause and effect

I read through the slipslope thread. I got a headache. Seriously, none of them are serious, are they? Every two or three posts, I kept saying to myself, WTH?, until I finally gave up.

It sounds as if you are in a good place, employment-wise. That's always such a big relief, isn't it? And, if you enjoy what you're doing, that's the best part of it. Nothing is worse than having to work, but hating or being bored by the job.
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Old 05-03-2015, 03:54 PM   #106
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Re: Cause and effect

With employment it is a pretty big thing. I spent at least 40 hours a week in my job, and I don't want to have this 40 hours filled with negative emotions. I understand that it is a job and the nature of it is, that it s sometimes stressy. But the basic emotion connected with job should be positive. I really hope, that it will be this way in Hamburg.

One of my biggest fears in this life is to piss away my time. To spend it for stupid things, negative emotions and then have regrets. It is somehow difficult. I regret being depressive, defensive, stubborn, anxious, ruminating, resentful. I regret to have spent time thinking about revenges, wishing ill to people. Not because revenge is dumb or so. Revenge in itself feels for me totally good. And it feels good when bad things happen to people, who have been mean to me. But I could have spent this time better.

Writing is a very funny thing. It makes things real. For example in this post, I wrote nothing very new/interesting/surprising. But I think I will be able better to let things go after that. I mean this, that I could have spent my time better than scheming out revenges, I knew also somehow before, but writing makes it more present/more real.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:14 PM   #107
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Re: Cause and effect

Ran across an article from pseudopsychology department: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-your-feelings. Didn't like it. Disagree with it in so many points. The central idea: "Share less in social networks/forum/internet/in RL. Especially not what moves you really. Just make more fun" But it made me think about which consequences sharing or not sharing has. I think sharing of your feelings/thoughts with strangers usually provides some relief, but does not change relationships much. You normally stay strangers. Differently with family and friends. There sharing wrong thing can destroy people.

My mom doesn't know many many many things about me and at the same time she is completely sure, that she knows me better than myself. She repeated this weekend that I am extension of her ego. We got into discussion if I moved early enough or to early out from my parents. I was something like 22-23 and in my opinion moving out a lot earlier would have been a lot better for myself. She argued that at least staying with my family has protected me from drugs and alk. SHE HAS SO NO IDEA. And it costed me so much to bite my tongue and not to tell her, that I did drink every day in highschool before going home, because it was so unbelievably unimaginably tough for me to be basically only social contact for my father. My father exhibits a lot of asperger traits, he is completely non-functional in any social setting. Our immigration from Kasachstan to Germany made all the issues worse. He never managed to get into work in Germany. I was then about 19-20, and i didn't understand much about social incompetence/ asperger and correlated issues. I thought that he is right and people are unfair to him. Instead developing my own social life, I got home from the university and remainder of my day belonged to my father. I felt that I must be support for him, cheer him up, be his communication partner. I was so dumb. And I drank every day because I couldn't bear this daily conversations of many hours without alk. It helped me not to tell him, how he is destroying me. I am until today surprised that neither he, no my mom never noticed, that i was drunk every evening. And I understood only many years later, how lucky I was, that I didn't get dependent. This habitual drinking stopped basically immediately, when I moved out.

It was so tough last weekend not to share that with my mom.
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:07 PM   #108
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Re: Cause and effect

Nice post, did have to look up the meaning of alk (lolme). I read back a bit and Im not sure if you told us your (approximate) age other than double the average 2+2er which can vary per person you're speaking to. I was just interested. Have you had longer relationships or have those been unsuccessful so far ? Do you feel like that part of your youth when immigrating had a big influence on how you feel about relations ? I enjoy your posting in OOT btw!
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:11 PM   #109
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Re: Cause and effect

Awesome blog. Subbed.
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:49 PM   #110
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Re: Cause and effect

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Nice post, did have to look up the meaning of alk (lolme). I read back a bit and Im not sure if you told us your (approximate) age other than double the average 2+2er which can vary per person you're speaking to. I was just interested. Have you had longer relationships or have those been unsuccessful so far ? Do you feel like that part of your youth when immigrating had a big influence on how you feel about relations ? I enjoy your posting in OOT btw!
OK, may be not double of the OOT average. Age is a funny thing. I actually would like to be older than I am. Probably because for me age till now associates with more mental stability, better physical shape, being more fit, having more fun, being more confident, also having better sex than in my distant youth.

I had two longer relationships, both somehow didn't work out for " till the death us parts". First guy totally did sweet talk me into that. He was very excentric, had numerous piercing and wore in the summer often military boots, heavy biker jacket and a flower skirt he borrowed from me. Imagine that in connection with irokese and heavily pierced face. I mean I ended in this relationship solely because I was unexperienced, shy, dumb, and he showed the initiative. We had not much in common and he had a big gap between talking and doing. Talking took significantly more room than following through. But all nerdy guys, who would have been a 1000 times better fit, just were sitting on their behinds and doing nothing. And I was raised so, that the man has to make the first move. Unsurprisingly some years later this relationship was no more. I don't regret it, because I learned a lot of things from him and I feel comfortable in many very different environments partly because of him.

Immigration is a very defining thing. How relationships function, what is normal between men and women varies from country to country. Even if you compare USA and Western Europe things are different. Even if you stay in Europe: I can compare Germany and UK, it is slightly different.

When we came to Germany, I was 16. The idea of sex outside a marriage was a "NONONO" for me. I thought that men have to show the initiative, be strong shoulder and do all courting, women have to look modellike, cook well, and be so that a man alone from womans presence immediately gets a boner. I mean imagine - the STANDARDS To some extent I am still this way. Once I went with three other guys in the lab. We had to discuss something. And there was only one chair in the lab. One of the guys sits down and just continues to talk. I mean... with three guys from Kasachstan, the situation would never have happened. The chair would be mine. And I still somehow am unpleasantly surprised if a man takes the only chair in the room, when there are women present.

Moving out was for me a big struggle, because in Kasachstan you move out from you parents only when you get married. The apartments and houses are to big luxury to be used by singles.
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Old 05-07-2015, 04:37 PM   #111
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Re: Cause and effect

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Ran across an article from pseudopsychology department: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-your-feelings. Didn't like it. Disagree with it in so many points. The central idea: "Share less in social networks/forum/internet/in RL. Especially not what moves you really. Just make more fun" But it made me think about which consequences sharing or not sharing has. I think sharing of your feelings/thoughts with strangers usually provides some relief, but does not change relationships much. You normally stay strangers. Differently with family and friends. There sharing wrong thing can destroy people.

My mom doesn't know many many many things about me and at the same time she is completely sure, that she knows me better than myself. She repeated this weekend that I am extension of her ego. We got into discussion if I moved early enough or to early out from my parents. I was something like 22-23 and in my opinion moving out a lot earlier would have been a lot better for myself. She argued that at least staying with my family has protected me from drugs and alk. SHE HAS SO NO IDEA. And it costed me so much to bite my tongue and not to tell her, that I did drink every day in highschool before going home, because it was so unbelievably unimaginably tough for me to be basically only social contact for my father. My father exhibits a lot of asperger traits, he is completely non-functional in any social setting. Our immigration from Kasachstan to Germany made all the issues worse. He never managed to get into work in Germany. I was then about 19-20, and i didn't understand much about social incompetence/ asperger and correlated issues. I thought that he is right and people are unfair to him. Instead developing my own social life, I got home from the university and remainder of my day belonged to my father. I felt that I must be support for him, cheer him up, be his communication partner. I was so dumb. And I drank every day because I couldn't bear this daily conversations of many hours without alk. It helped me not to tell him, how he is destroying me. I am until today surprised that neither he, no my mom never noticed, that i was drunk every evening. And I understood only many years later, how lucky I was, that I didn't get dependent. This habitual drinking stopped basically immediately, when I moved out.

It was so tough last weekend not to share that with my mom.
So much of this article is meh to me.

People post on blogs for all sorts of reasons. I'm amazed at some of the things I've read.

However, sometimes I read a post (like your first one in this blog), and, even though I had not one single clue what you were talking about with regard to magic, my sense was that you were a genuine human being, with a great understanding of the human condition. You've since proven my assessment correct.
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:45 AM   #112
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Re: Cause and effect

I have to make a phone call now, which I completely dread. I can't influence the result much. A bank had put a wrong date on a bill. The date is definitely wrong and I am right, but that won't help me much if they decide that they want to have this money by the last week. So I am basically at mercy of the bank clerk, who works my case. The scary thing is also, that I have no idea, what is gonna to happen, if they decide that they want the money from me by last week. And I hate this feeling I have now. This uncertainty makes me feel like I am having a death waiting for me.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:37 AM   #113
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Re: Cause and effect

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I have to make a phone call now, which I completely dread. I can't influence the result much. A bank had put a wrong date on a bill. The date is definitely wrong and I am right, but that won't help me much if they decide that they want to have this money by the last week. So I am basically at mercy of the bank clerk, who works my case. The scary thing is also, that I have no idea, what is gonna to happen, if they decide that they want the money from me by last week. And I hate this feeling I have now. This uncertainty makes me feel like I am having a death waiting for me.
JOJOJO!. Done it. Was absolutely no problem. They just admitted it and they corrected it and had been totally nice and friendly. And I really made myself crazy before. That is one thing, which I would like to change in me. I want to be able to deal with small uncertainties in life better. I mean I understood it also before I made this call, that that is not a question of life and death. Whatever they decide to do, they can't kill me. But nevertheless the feeling was as if they can.

One thing that helped is this idea, that if you have to eat a frog, do that as a first thing in the morning and eat the biggest frog first. I dreaded this call so much, that delaying to do it, was totally waste of time. Every minute I delayed it was wasted, because I felt really anxious, and like this call is the only thing that matters.
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Old 05-12-2015, 04:54 AM   #114
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Re: Cause and effect

I love it how we build stuff up before doing it and then it turns out to be no hassle at all . Well done.
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Old 05-15-2015, 02:36 AM   #115
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Re: Cause and effect

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I love it how we build stuff up before doing it and then it turns out to be no hassle at all . Well done.
I am a champ in making myself crazy over basically no problems.
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Old 05-15-2015, 03:30 AM   #116
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Re: Cause and effect

Why I am actually writing here?

The magic question is answered. I came to the conclusion, that it is impossible or very difficult to have an experiment, which would show with some certainty that some kind of magic works. Basically every time I feel some magic happens, it is some subconscious use of information I have or ability to put my brain in a certain state - basically execution of emotional control with certain tools.

Writing here is for me one of such tools. I don't write for an audience, I mostly write to calm me down. First step in this is to pin-point, what is it exactly that triggered an onset of anxiety. It is difficult enough. Then to admit that here on a public space. Anonymity helps some in this. It helps to read, what other people write in different threads. It gives somehow a feeling that I get at least a small glimpse in how other people are, and somehow it gives more trust. That is although I am completely aware of the internet thing, and of that a personality presented here can be completely different from reality.

What leads me back to reality thing. Why it is so difficult to admit some things about myself? I have certain picture of me, certain attributes, like honest, reliable, cool, control freak, interesting, stress resistant, anxious, mentally not so stable, intelligent, socially not always getting things, insecure....... It is my reality of me. Admitting anything that does not fit into this attributes is basically to destroy this reality and human brain does not like its reality being destroyed.

And now, although I didn't admit basically anything in this post, I am less anxious, than when I started to write it.
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Old 05-15-2015, 08:06 AM   #117
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Re: Cause and effect

Good therapy, IMO. Fear of embarrassment or shame creates tremendous roadblocks.
Writing things down and looking at them on paper gives us evidence that we do have control over most things, and facing the things we can't control, while uncomfortable, won't kill us. Well done.
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Old 05-17-2015, 03:38 AM   #118
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Re: Cause and effect

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/...t/20-questions

How many "yes" do you have?

I have three: number 15, 17, 18. I used to have all 20 "yes". To go from 20 "yes" to 3 "yes" is the hardest thing I have done in my life. And I have done a number of hard things.
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Old 05-17-2015, 06:22 AM   #119
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Re: Cause and effect

Congratulations on dealing with gambling problem. Was it poker that hooked you?
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Old 05-17-2015, 08:01 AM   #120
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Re: Cause and effect

Must feel nice Lapka! I do think that the list is kind of messed up for a (professional) poker player. If you replace the word gamble with work I'd probably get around the same amount of yes tbh (I had only 6!). Thats why I think its extra important to keep tabs on your gambling behavior as a poker player, its just quite the fine line between being responsible and being a gambler...
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Old 05-17-2015, 08:29 AM   #121
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Re: Cause and effect

I had a very short episode some weeks and about 1000 $ long of roulette in my youth. The episode had predictable outcome. And somehow it was enough that I never ever touched that again.

More than a decade later came poker. It escalated as fast and as bad as it can be. I mean I haven't peed in a bottle , but I think all other things I have done. I played to long, to high stakes, no BR management, with money I could not afford to loose (and clearly lost it ) and done a ****load of other stupid things. Whenever I read that poker is not gambling , I can only laugh. It scratches the same itch in the brain that roulette or slot machines do.

And the worst thing was, that I wanted to continue. It gave me something (still does ). It is a coping mechanism to deal with other problems, and I absolutely didn't want to give it up. I also understand why suicide is so high in gambling addicted population. It is not financial problems or so, it is this impossibility to support this addiction and at the same time the inability to cope with life without.

So I had to find a way to get things under control, to claim my life back from poker but at the same time to keep it in my life.

If you read more on 2+2 you see many many places, where gambling addiction comes-up, often disguised as love for the game or also very direct like in tbab's thread or in degen thread in BBV. I was and am surprised that it isn't more the topic how to deal with that. I mean what can someone do besides going to GA. I definitely don't have the SOLUTION, but may be it can help someone and for all the things myself to continue to deal with that, just to write it down. I mean I still have this itch in my brain. I know that if it takes over then I am back to square one.

Part 2 follows. ^^
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Old 05-18-2015, 03:56 AM   #122
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Re: Cause and effect

So I was sitting with my laptop after about 36 hours of continuous play, my salary completely gone, rent not paid, no food, utilities not paid. The main thought has been that it can't go on like that. It is not me. I am to smart to have so ****ty life. I completely realized and accepted, that I am a gambling addict. I also completely clearly understood, that I want to continue gambling. I also knew that I am already then beating the FL up to 0.5/1$. I had a PT and did look at the data. That meant, that at least I have a form of poker and stakes, which I can play without loosing money. The question remained how to keep the addict under control.

I just stopped borrowing any money. I mean it was three days after my salary has hit my account and it was gone. Not a single bill was paid and no groceries in the house. The strat before that day was to ask my parents to pay most important bills and borrow some $ from colleagues for food. This time I didn't do that. I had some difficult conversations with my landlord and lived for some weeks from free cookies and coffee at my job. And I remember how incredibly thankful I was, when my friends invited me for dinner. ^^ It sounds bad and it was bad. I clearly remember playing plain hungry. But at the same time it was good. It gave me back at least a little bit of my self worth. I am a responsible grown-up, who drove herself in the ****, but at that point I was at least dealing myself with the consequences. And not a single of the consequences was lethal: having to fast a little bit was rather good for my shape and worst case scenario with housing was that I am gonna to end on the streets, what is bad but not deathly. And after this period in time my stress resistance grew into basically HUGE. I mean if you dealt with that ****, you deal with pissed-off boss or client a lot calmer, with more control over situation than before.

And it worked. It works complete miracles for your poker game, if you know that having or not milk tomorrow depends on your placement in this freeroll. And since I just didn't have any money at that point to play anything higher than I should, BR management happens automatically. So I played a ton of free rolls and nano stakes at that point in time. And I kept my gambling addict in check by basically not having any money to do dumb things.

One thing, which I want to add here. It would never worked, if my family would try just not to give any more money. It had to be my decision.

In Part 3: What I am doing now, since I have money to do dumb things.

Last edited by lapka; 05-18-2015 at 04:06 AM.
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Old 05-18-2015, 04:28 AM   #123
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Re: Cause and effect

Just read your first post or two and since it's late and I'm trying to fall asleep will try to use your method of pretending to be a fairy or little princess anything is worth a shot thanks for the offbeat suggestion Lapka!

I am picking out my dress now.....
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:58 AM   #124
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Re: Cause and effect

So how to keep the GA under control, even when money is there.


I have triggers. I think every addict, for whatever has periods in time, when the addiction naturally declines, and periods usually triggered by something, when it totally goes through the roof. I have written down a long long list of things that do trigger me and do my best to avoid these.
Dealing with my ex is a big trigger, so I do my best to avoid him. Thinking about my life is a big trigger, so I try to minimize it and keep myself busy. Looking at my balance is a big trigger, so I automated all the payments, so that I login into my bank account not more often than once a month........

If I feel this urge to play 50/25 $ FL , what is dumb thing for me to do , I never say an ultimate " NO" to myself, because it would lead only to a complete uncontrollable blow-up. I say "OK. then you have to have it. But may be first, you could work-out, or go-out, or do XXXX (XXXX has to be something, what you basically like to do), and then when it is done "Yeaa, but you need to sleep first, you need to XXXX first" and usually this addiction call can be delayed in time, until it disappears. I basically very carefully evaluate, if may be it is a good idea to do something different before. It is similar like in AA or GA you don't think " never again", you think "day at the time".

I do still play poker. It has normalized somehow. Invested time now is may be 4 hours a week. And I don't think all the time about poker.

Interestingly, I am basically never triggered, if I loose at the table. It was different in the past. It evolved in time how I react at the tables. I had chased losses badly. I am not sure, how that subsided or why this specifically this point stopped.

Another thing I have is that the max money I can get my hands on short term is 1000 $. Everything else is automatically locked away in CDs. This way i limit the max damage, should I ever loose it again. A similar step, which is planned for the next year is to buy an apartment. I could buy one small with cash now and it is nice to know, that even if I loose it again at some point in a future, homelessness isn't threat any more. And it is similar to the CDs lock-up of a big amount of cash, in a difficult to access form.
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Old 05-19-2015, 06:40 AM   #125
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Re: Cause and effect

Just been reading this thread Lapka. Its very impressive and humbling to say the least.
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