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Old 02-12-2017, 11:54 AM   #1151
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Re: Cause and effect

It doesn't stop to astound me, how sure my mom is that she not only knows and determines, what happens in my life, but also that she can read my soul, that she knows and can control my feelings and thoughts.

Both things are so far from truth.

You never know what someone goes through, feels, does, if you don't observe it directly. And very often parents are a lot further from knowing their children, than from knowing strangers, plain because showing the truth to parents is often connected with a lot more stress than showing the truth to strangers.

My mom has so no clue about me and is so sure that she not only knows everything but controls everything in my life. It is hard for me to talk with her, because every glimpse of true me is painful to her. Every little bit of me that is not conform with her picture of me causes her to be in complete stress. And so I try to keep the picture she expects up.
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Old 02-13-2017, 11:46 AM   #1152
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Re: Cause and effect

Am doing kind of third neutral party counselor for a couple. They both are my friends. I mean I haven't done much more than listen and somehow suggest things that are common sense and rational.

Big success! A month ago there was a divorce on the table. Today is
a peace dinner with them both and at the beginning also me there. The guy moved out 3 month ago and now is moving back in.

Really really funny how things work. Somehow both calmed down with me. And I really have no idea, why the both were not able to discuss it out between themselfs. They are very similar. There was no real deal breaker in the marriage, but rather a perceived deal breaker. Both felt that there is no love any more from the other side. After pulling out of them, what exactly to they expect from the other side, it somehow magically started to work. Both were glad to deliver, the second they knew, what the other side actually expects them to deliver.

Somehow it was about the difference between the perceived expectations and real expectations.

I am really glad that it worked out.
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Old 02-14-2017, 12:59 PM   #1153
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Re: Cause and effect

Happy Valentine Everyone!


I did get flowers today
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Old 02-14-2017, 02:30 PM   #1154
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Re: Cause and effect

I don't know what is more difficult for me to deal with, when my mom is totally controlling and puts me down, or when she is nice and loving to me. In second case I can only cry and feel guilty for every time I made her life difficult, in first case I can get defensive, talk back, rant here.....

I am pretty difficult..... Or rather relation between me and my mom is difficult. We are so close that it is like without skin. Every word causes an emotional turmoil.
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Old 02-14-2017, 03:04 PM   #1155
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
not only: monkey see, monkey do, but also: monkey see, monkey want.

In my grocery store they have very nice kitchenaid pots and pans on offer. I don't need them. I have a fully stuffed kitchen, although my pots and pans are not even half as nice as this kitchenaid stuff. Part of my pots are inherited from my grandma. But they are perfectly functional. So I really don't need anything new in this area. And if I wouldn't have seen this offer, I wouldn't even think about that. But so..... I have seen them and this set of pots just doesn't leave my mind. And...... I know that if I buy them, I would be unhappy, because I bought them, and if I don't, it will take few days, until I forget this pots.
Bought a set of this Kitchenaid pots and pans. it is like this only instead of one pot there is a pan. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HMXC5R4?ref=emc_b_5_t
Actually surprisingly happy with it. No buyers regrets yet.
I mean I paid 50 Euros for it. 50 Euros are 50 Euros. It is not a world, but I have to work two hours to have that after taxes and all deductions. But I think it improves my quality of life sufficiently to justify it. I mean I do cook. And it is a lot more fun to make pancakes in a really good pan, than in an old scratched.
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Old 02-15-2017, 10:32 AM   #1156
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Re: Cause and effect

My life improved a lot when I stopped trying to change myself to satisfy someones expectations. It never worked. It never worked with men and it never worked with my parents: that are two groups of people whose love and approoval I tried to earn in the course of my life. There was no thin enough, successful enough, pretty enough, good enough, doormat enough, adventurous enough, rebellous enough, homemaker enough, sexy enough, dominant enough,..... to earn the love I craved for. The route to go for more hapiness was to stop craving the love and to stop trying to satisfy someone's expectations against what is actually my nature.
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Old 02-16-2017, 04:38 AM   #1157
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Re: Cause and effect

So I am out here for a week, since I am going to have internetless, yoga rich, food poor week. Am in a yoga retreat and one of the things here is reduction of the input from outside through no internet rule.
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Old 02-16-2017, 10:55 PM   #1158
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Re: Cause and effect

Good luck with the yoga retreat. I hope you get a lot out of it
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Old 02-20-2017, 11:33 PM   #1159
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
My life improved a lot when I stopped trying to change myself to satisfy someones expectations. It never worked. It never worked with men and it never worked with my parents: that are two groups of people whose love and approoval I tried to earn in the course of my life. There was no thin enough, successful enough, pretty enough, good enough, doormat enough, adventurous enough, rebellous enough, homemaker enough, sexy enough, dominant enough,..... to earn the love I craved for. The route to go for more hapiness was to stop craving the love and to stop trying to satisfy someone's expectations against what is actually my nature.
Great post
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Old 02-24-2017, 11:02 PM   #1160
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Re: Cause and effect

I am back into internet world.

A longer post about yoga retreat will come next days. Sadly for the blog without pictures since I really had left all my gadgets at home, but good for me because I was really present in experience and not somewhere in my mind planning the TR. Today only so much: I am definitely going to repeat it and for longer time.
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Old 02-24-2017, 11:19 PM   #1161
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Re: Cause and effect

How are you feeling currently after getting tech back into your life?
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Old 02-25-2017, 10:05 AM   #1162
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Re: Cause and effect

I am going to try consciously to try to reduce my hanging around the internet. It is somehow like a swamp. I mean it is without a doubt useful, but my quality of life is better with less of it in my life, than I am used to.


Yoga retreat.....

Three things were hard for me first two days: no internet, no coffee and sleeping in a dormitory. Last time I shared my sleeping room with more than one person was when I was teenager. It was also no possibility to ask for a separate room, because the whole thing is kind of alternative, not so commercialized, and so they don't do fulfilling extra wishes. I also came to them solely through my yoga teacher in my normal yoga class.

Day regime

Get-up at 5 in the morning. Then two hours of yoga outside, then breakfast.
After the breakfast everyone had choice: either just sitting around and thinking, library ( They had actually pretty interesting library. A bunch of history and philosophical books. ), or helping around. With helping around the choice was kitchen, garden or animals. I have done one day of everything. Some people wouldn't like it, but it is very much my thing. I like food and not only eating it, but everything around it including growing and cooking.

To take care of animals was most interesting for me, because that is something I definitely don't experience in my daily life. They had four cows, a bunch of chickens and two cats around . It was feeding them, cleaning the place from manure, picking-up all eggs and manually milking cows. I had previously only once in life milked a cow as a child in Kasachstan. And the cool thing is that they cover their veg, milk, eggs and meat consumption from that. But food is a separate point.

After that was lunch and two hours of siesta. I could sleep or read or just sit around without any additional stimuli. I slept every day. After that was again 2 hours of yoga and then dinner. Dinner was the only cooked meal of the day. After the dinner was again basically free time until bed.

Food

Food was a lot slimmer than I am used to. In this week I ate meat only once. The breakfast and lunch were kefir-like drink (basically fermented in a special way milk) and nan (special kind of indian bread). Dinner was cooked veg, some kind of lentils or peas or beans and once in this week we had chicken. The cool thing was that milk, meat and veg for the whole is produced directly there. To get same quality of groceries in a store is somewhere between impossible and **** expensive.

It was interesting how people react, when they see how the head of the chicken is chopped off. Few didn't eat it afterwards. I think that the whole thing is also in Germany somewhere in a gray zone. I think that there are a bunch of regulations that actually prohibit to kill animals for food without special training/facilities.

Physical results:

I am two kg lighter and feel a lot better. I am sore in every imaginable place, but it feels good. I tried first time in my life a headstand. Have still to work to get there, but before I was to scared to hurt myself. The teacher in this retreat somehow showed, how I can do it with keeping constant control over my body position.

Psychological results:

That one is difficult to put in words yet. I am still digesting the whole experience. I think that to bury feelings into subconscious is actually a very good and legitimate way to deal with certain experiences. I mean if you have a choice to get uncontrollably violent or to stuff your feelings deep down, it is clearly a better alternative to stuff down. But it comes always at a price: addictions, issues, inability to connect with others. The situation in this retreat leaves to the psyche no other choice than to go to this graveyards of feelings. All tools that normally help to keep things buried are not there. And additionally there is no new stress/problems. So the psyche can use its resources to deal not with something immediate, but with what was left from the past there.

For me was definitely good. I am now less anxious, less obsessed, more relaxed and normal.
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Old 02-26-2017, 10:24 PM   #1163
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Re: Cause and effect

Dancing dancing dancing !

Just came back from a dance party. Am totally exhilarated and happy and JUMP JUMP JUMP!

I am now into swing with dancing. Was my first electro swing party. Swing is a dance and has nothing to do with swinger clubs. Here is some inspiration. I have to work to get there. I don't look even half as good as this. But FEELING! I am totally high on dancing!

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Old 02-26-2017, 10:40 PM   #1164
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Re: Cause and effect

The internet really is like the swamp.

On an unrelated note, I would love to dance w you.

Glad you enjoyed the retreat and took something away from it. Hope things are well with you.
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Old 02-27-2017, 09:08 AM   #1165
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by buddyWEISER View Post
The internet really is like the swamp.

On an unrelated note, I would love to dance w you.

Glad you enjoyed the retreat and took something away from it. Hope things are well with you.
tx buddy.

It is big compliment with dancing.
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Old 02-27-2017, 09:33 AM   #1166
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Re: Cause and effect

Carnival in Germany.

it is very different to Rio de Janeiro. The weather is cold and so there are less hot girls dancing samba and more everyone just pretending they are crazy. People dress-up and go to parades and carnival sittings. There is some funny stuff like parodies about politics, but most stuff..... is not my thing. I don't like typical carnival music and somehow..... Don't know.... Just not my thing

Example of typical carnival's music, that I can't stand. I feel like every second I listen to it is wasted. But a lot of Germans are at least perfectly fine with it.


Carnival has interesting historical roots. It is kind of end of winter, end of lent festivity, where it is allowed to make fun about usually serious things, like church in the medieval and politics now.

https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnival
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Old 02-27-2017, 10:57 PM   #1167
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Re: Cause and effect

I am in total agreement about that carnival music being hard to listen to. I lasted 30 seconds and it was tilting me totally and I have a reasonably broad range of music I like.

It's nice to see you back but I can understand your desire to cut back on internet time and it is something I am currently doing also. It is like a swamp, drags you down and gets really murky at times. Swing dancing looks much more fun!
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Old 03-01-2017, 07:40 AM   #1168
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Re: Cause and effect

I am grateful for my body. Although I mistreated it many times in my life, it still works surprisingly well. I vow to be better to it.

For not being depressed. Depression just sucks big time. I mean I still have my issues and phases, but it is nothing compared to depression.

For the ability to transfer the decision making part from the emotional me to the rational me. It is big thing that I learned from poker. I feel tilt and frustration, but I don't act on it.

For being able to connect with people be it on the internet or in RL. It is pretty important. I mean even here, that I know that if I really can't do it any more or am completely lost, that I can write it down and get some input on the situation.
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Old 03-02-2017, 11:20 PM   #1169
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Re: Cause and effect

Depression is a constant battle. It is good you have progressed to your current mindset.

If you feel something is unhealthy for you, like the internet, I think you should trust your instincts, they seem to be working pretty well for you.
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:14 AM   #1170
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Re: Cause and effect

Health insurance musings

inspired by a thread from OOT

I get less than 50% of my salary in my account. The 50 +x% goes to taxes, health insurance, unemployment insurance, social security and few smaller deductions. Health insurance costs 14 % of my salary. Employer pays about 50% of it and other 50% are automatically deducted from my salary. I have no deductibles but the insurance doesn't pay for everything I want. For example fertility treatment isn't paid.

Is it good or is it bad?
For me ..... I would be now many many many thousands richer, if I would pay everything with my medical care by myself. I feel resentment when one of my friends, who got pregnant with 22, never worked a day, gets her anti-alcoholic rehab paid by the health insurance into which I pay in. Especially when she describes, how they have there basically wellness holiday in this rehab.

But..... On the other side, I am happy, that if I think that this lump or this mole might be a cancer, I don't think for a second if I let the doctor check it. I just do it. And I am really glad, that even when I lose my job, I basically can't end-up without health insurance. (there are some really rare cases when you end-up without, but you have really to f-k up many many many times the decisions with health insurance)

So, I don't know which system is better.
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Old 03-03-2017, 12:46 PM   #1171
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Re: Cause and effect

They don't break down what percentage of my taxes go towards health insurance so I just pretend it's free.
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Old 03-04-2017, 06:54 AM   #1172
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
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They don't break down what percentage of my taxes go towards health insurance so I just pretend it's free.
Where are you from? I always thought that you are from USA#1. Apparently I was wrong.
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Old 03-04-2017, 03:22 PM   #1173
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Re: Cause and effect

Fourth hour of a tourney and I am not even in the money. Why I am doing that to myself? I am tired and bored out of my mind, but have a decent stack: 32k with blinds of 150/300. So it makes no sense to give-up by now.
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Old 03-04-2017, 04:06 PM   #1174
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Re: Cause and effect

Complacency kills
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Old 03-04-2017, 06:35 PM   #1175
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Re: Cause and effect

ended in the money, but my hourly in poker is far below minimum wage

I know it already..... I know me..... I know that the first hour or two, it is actually fun. And that is exactly why I started to play this tourney. .......

Ohhhh, boy......My brain remains a part of me that somehow often acts against my will
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