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Old 02-12-2017, 11:54 AM   #1151
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Re: Cause and effect

It doesn't stop to astound me, how sure my mom is that she not only knows and determines, what happens in my life, but also that she can read my soul, that she knows and can control my feelings and thoughts.

Both things are so far from truth.

You never know what someone goes through, feels, does, if you don't observe it directly. And very often parents are a lot further from knowing their children, than from knowing strangers, plain because showing the truth to parents is often connected with a lot more stress than showing the truth to strangers.

My mom has so no clue about me and is so sure that she not only knows everything but controls everything in my life. It is hard for me to talk with her, because every glimpse of true me is painful to her. Every little bit of me that is not conform with her picture of me causes her to be in complete stress. And so I try to keep the picture she expects up.
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Old 02-13-2017, 11:46 AM   #1152
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Re: Cause and effect

Am doing kind of third neutral party counselor for a couple. They both are my friends. I mean I haven't done much more than listen and somehow suggest things that are common sense and rational.

Big success! A month ago there was a divorce on the table. Today is
a peace dinner with them both and at the beginning also me there. The guy moved out 3 month ago and now is moving back in.

Really really funny how things work. Somehow both calmed down with me. And I really have no idea, why the both were not able to discuss it out between themselfs. They are very similar. There was no real deal breaker in the marriage, but rather a perceived deal breaker. Both felt that there is no love any more from the other side. After pulling out of them, what exactly to they expect from the other side, it somehow magically started to work. Both were glad to deliver, the second they knew, what the other side actually expects them to deliver.

Somehow it was about the difference between the perceived expectations and real expectations.

I am really glad that it worked out.
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Old 02-14-2017, 12:59 PM   #1153
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Re: Cause and effect

Happy Valentine Everyone!


I did get flowers today
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Old 02-14-2017, 02:30 PM   #1154
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Re: Cause and effect

I don't know what is more difficult for me to deal with, when my mom is totally controlling and puts me down, or when she is nice and loving to me. In second case I can only cry and feel guilty for every time I made her life difficult, in first case I can get defensive, talk back, rant here.....

I am pretty difficult..... Or rather relation between me and my mom is difficult. We are so close that it is like without skin. Every word causes an emotional turmoil.
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Old 02-14-2017, 03:04 PM   #1155
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
not only: monkey see, monkey do, but also: monkey see, monkey want.

In my grocery store they have very nice kitchenaid pots and pans on offer. I don't need them. I have a fully stuffed kitchen, although my pots and pans are not even half as nice as this kitchenaid stuff. Part of my pots are inherited from my grandma. But they are perfectly functional. So I really don't need anything new in this area. And if I wouldn't have seen this offer, I wouldn't even think about that. But so..... I have seen them and this set of pots just doesn't leave my mind. And...... I know that if I buy them, I would be unhappy, because I bought them, and if I don't, it will take few days, until I forget this pots.
Bought a set of this Kitchenaid pots and pans. it is like this only instead of one pot there is a pan. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HMXC5R4?ref=emc_b_5_t
Actually surprisingly happy with it. No buyers regrets yet.
I mean I paid 50 Euros for it. 50 Euros are 50 Euros. It is not a world, but I have to work two hours to have that after taxes and all deductions. But I think it improves my quality of life sufficiently to justify it. I mean I do cook. And it is a lot more fun to make pancakes in a really good pan, than in an old scratched.
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Old 02-15-2017, 10:32 AM   #1156
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Re: Cause and effect

My life improved a lot when I stopped trying to change myself to satisfy someones expectations. It never worked. It never worked with men and it never worked with my parents: that are two groups of people whose love and approoval I tried to earn in the course of my life. There was no thin enough, successful enough, pretty enough, good enough, doormat enough, adventurous enough, rebellous enough, homemaker enough, sexy enough, dominant enough,..... to earn the love I craved for. The route to go for more hapiness was to stop craving the love and to stop trying to satisfy someone's expectations against what is actually my nature.
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Old 02-16-2017, 04:38 AM   #1157
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Re: Cause and effect

So I am out here for a week, since I am going to have internetless, yoga rich, food poor week. Am in a yoga retreat and one of the things here is reduction of the input from outside through no internet rule.
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Old 02-16-2017, 10:55 PM   #1158
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Re: Cause and effect

Good luck with the yoga retreat. I hope you get a lot out of it
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Old 02-20-2017, 11:33 PM   #1159
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
My life improved a lot when I stopped trying to change myself to satisfy someones expectations. It never worked. It never worked with men and it never worked with my parents: that are two groups of people whose love and approoval I tried to earn in the course of my life. There was no thin enough, successful enough, pretty enough, good enough, doormat enough, adventurous enough, rebellous enough, homemaker enough, sexy enough, dominant enough,..... to earn the love I craved for. The route to go for more hapiness was to stop craving the love and to stop trying to satisfy someone's expectations against what is actually my nature.
Great post
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