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Old 03-27-2015, 07:20 AM   #51
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Re: Cause and effect

It is totally my dream job. It is in Hamburg. It is more responsibility. Basically it is to build an area for certain kind of calculations, including marketing and hire a team together and handle the resources. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to have it. It is absolutely my dream job.

But I am afraid that as a salary question came I was not well enough prepared, I said something like what I have now (I said a little bit higher number) and that I want the position and they could have me for the same. But it was not nice and smoothly said, I stumbled ad searched for words and it was not really good.

I am afraid that I fked up. And I so want to have this job. Good test for my magic, if I really always get, what I really want.
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:45 AM   #52
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Re: Cause and effect

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challenge one: from this second the next 24 hours no sugar including no bananas or grapes or honey melons, no chocolate, no cakes, no white bread, no pasta, no alcohol. Drinking only tea, coffee and water. No sugar in it.

Sometimes I loose it with food, commonly known as binge eating. My weight does not explode only due to a really high exercise load in the following days. I would love to normalize my eating. What I know is that cereals did always set a binge off. So I don't buy any and don't miss it. I still do eat whole grains, only not cereals.

Suspicion is that there are also other foods that do trigger binges for me. Sugar and starchy carbohydrates are suspects. And so I will try not to eat that for the next 24 hours and after I will see what happens and go from that.
complete fail. Started day with bakery and continued with sandwich at lunchtime. Second try starts now. Lesson learned from today: I should have some food which is sugar and starch free at home. So going now for a grocery shopping.

Quote of the day from Anna Achmatova a russian poetess in my translation:
Calm follows desperation and madness follows hope.
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Old 03-28-2015, 08:15 PM   #53
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Re: Cause and effect

24 hours without sugar or white flower/starchy food challenge ->fail again. Just ate a pancake. Did it because I obsess about feedback I will get beginning of the next week about my last interview. Plan for tomorrow sending 3 new applications to reduce this obsession and try again for 24 hours not to eat simple carbohydrates.

This week managed to increase my work-out time from one to 2 hours. That is still not what I would it like to be, but it is movement in the right direction.

God, I want this job. The thing is, that the interview was not about a job to which I applied. And they did not give me this info before interview.

They had already filled that position and they forwarded my application to another department. And this other position is a LOT better for me, than that to which I had applied. Initial position was 1 hour commute from Hamburg, to which they have forwarded my application is directly in Hamburg. Initial position was just to do calculations and the other one is basically to organize everything and to build there there the division for such calculations. That is what I already have done for my current employer, but it was never appreciated, not even with something so simple like "thank you for the good job". I like the job in itself a LOT. But I want more appreciation. And it would be so cool to have basically the same job with more money and in Hamburg.

I should really stop obsessing about it.
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Old 03-31-2015, 12:47 AM   #54
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Re: Cause and effect

Feel good. Not worried, not anxious, good enough, slim enough, pretty enough, nice enough. Really seldom state for me. No idea how comes, but it would be really cool to understand that.

I know that one of the components, which contributes to feelgood is working out and so that is what I am gonna do now.

Still no response from last interview, but am not obsessing about that now. I think sending another application out has helped.

Last edited by lapka; 03-31-2015 at 12:56 AM.
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Old 03-31-2015, 01:20 AM   #55
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Re: Cause and effect

Why you should not put poker on your resume and why I would not hire even a cleaning lady, with an attitude "I just want a job which pay the bills and nothing more".

With poker. i mean evaluate that objectively. Read through this forums. How many of the posters here you would hire? And especially would you hire someone, who is not able to understand, that poker has a negative shade in a society and to put it on a resume is at least not appropriate. The negative thing would be not playing poker, but not being able to understand which implications does it have in the society.

And with this attitude "I want a job, which pays my bills until I become a poker pro". I mean REALLY? Do you expect someone to hire you with that attitude? I have been involved in hiring process on the employer's side with my current employer. And one of the most important things, is if people really want to do the job. Such people are more likely to show initiative, to do this little extra, and plain to be happy at the work. And that is what I want from people with whom I am working. I mean who wants just to be around someone, who actually strongly dislikes to be at the working place and given a choice would prefer to go home.
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Old 04-02-2015, 08:44 AM   #56
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Re: Cause and effect

I am in the second round, with this job in Hamburg.
Feel completely empty. I somehow never had this good victory feeling.
Every success, every passed exam, every shipped tourney, every achieved goal feels always not "cool! let us celebrate!", but instead "I want to crawl under my blanket and just stop existing for a while". I do understand, that it is because the adrenalin rush subsides, and after you have given all for a while, and then you are there, just physiology of a human being is so, that it feels rather low.

Anyway. Second round is end of april. I need again to prepare well, because second round is not yet completely there.
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Old 04-03-2015, 05:56 PM   #57
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Re: Cause and effect

I really want
learn to cut me and those around me some slack, have more fun, be more easy going, be able to let it go easier (at all ), have more joy and less adrenalin in my life.
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Old 04-04-2015, 02:40 PM   #58
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Re: Cause and effect

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I really want
learn to cut me and those around me some slack, have more fun, be more easy going, be able to let it go easier (at all ), have more joy and less adrenalin in my life.
Actually probably I don't want to slack. I do find slacking boring. Tried today consciously to do nothing, and that is a total hell. But I want to be more relaxed. More not making things happen, but letting things happen.

Back to my "no simple carbohydrates" challenge. Until now I have not managed to go for 24 hours without. But the next 48 hours I probably will. In Germany is easter holiday, so all shops are closed. And I don't have at home anything sweet or starchy/white flowery/potatoes....So just not a single simple carbohydrate at home. I am not big fan of mcdo or takeaways or pizza ordering. So I will see if not having sweets available helps.
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Old 04-05-2015, 08:37 AM   #59
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Re: Cause and effect

Current projects:
- To get this new job in Hamburg
- To become more fit and build some muscles. I am in a VERY seldom state. I basically don't want to loose any weight. 62 kg HOHOHO! Just redistribute some of it into muscles.
- To normalize long term my relationship with food and my body
- To do a little renovation work in my appartment. That is as part of this whole feng shui staff.
- To become happy

Today:
Have worked out, ate normally (until now managed to avoid sugar and bread and such. Not having that in house has helped).

Reorganized part of my closet. Donated some, had put all things I didn't wear for two years into storage. I have really difficulties with throwing things away. Exactly like my mom. Have found two of her dresses from the 1960, when she was young. They are so beautiful. Now I am thinking of where I could wear them. They are more cocktail dresses, but I so want to wear them just so.


Have to: reread the email from my potential new employer. Read some pdfs about salary negotiations. I mean Hamburg is cool, but I want to be completely sure, that I don't get paid less than my male colleagues. That produces a lot of resentment in me in my current position. Think about what exactly is my game plan there. How do I want this division to function, what do I need for that and what is my plan for the next interview with them. Prepare a corresponding email.
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Old 04-05-2015, 01:20 PM   #60
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Re: Cause and effect

Have you read the book the secret? It had a lot of good information about the universe bringing you what you want. You have to think it into life.
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Old 04-05-2015, 01:40 PM   #61
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Re: Cause and effect

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Have you read the book the secret? It had a lot of good information about the universe bringing you what you want. You have to think it into life.
Nope, but just browsed through the info about it in google. It is indeed kind of what I thought, when I started this. Definitely will look into that. I do believe that it works, and I also do believe, that there is always a rational chain connecting the thought and the outcome. There is somehow, not always understood, but very real connection between the thought and the reality outside. It is somehow clear, that the thoughts do define, how we act, and that in consequence changes the reality outside.
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Old 04-05-2015, 02:17 PM   #62
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Re: Cause and effect

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Nope, but just browsed through the info about it in google. It is indeed kind of what I thought, when I started this. Definitely will look into that. I do believe that it works, and I also do believe, that there is always a rational chain connecting the thought and the outcome. There is somehow, not always understood, but very real connection between the thought and the reality outside. It is somehow clear, that the thoughts do define, how we act, and that in consequence changes the reality outside.
Great book deff. Worth the read. I believe the universe can and will give you the things you think about most in due time. Closely related to cause and effect. Most people think or take it as a joke and it will continue to never happen to them because they will never believe it could happen.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:16 AM   #63
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Re: Cause and effect

No one can make me so fast so upset like my mom. She knows all my buttons and pushes them relentlessly. Just now she wants to have passwords to my bank accounts. I know. The answer should be: "not gonna happen". I totally get, how crazy that is. Now that I write it out it looks even more ridiculous.

Her reasoning is, that she wants to help me to manage my money, because I am now busy with getting new job. And as I said "no", she pulls the card , that I am killing her and her blood pressure rises and if she dies tomorrow it is my fault.

I feel totally helpless, like there is no reasonable way out. God, that puts me in emotional turmoil again.

And I know exactly what drives her to make such requests. She said herself once, that I am an extension of her ego. All my hints, that that is unhealthy are just ignored. And she behaves exactly in this way, as if I and her are the same person. That is killing me. I don't know what to do.
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Old 04-07-2015, 04:09 AM   #64
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Re: Cause and effect

Managed to go 48 hours without sugar and starch. But had today for breakfast a twix bar. . Am totally OK with that. But the next thing would be to go for a week without. A week starts now.

Am in rather bad place. It is so difficult with my mom. I would give an arm and a leg to see her happy, but I can't give up my autonomy, especially because she would still be unhappy. There is no good way out. The only reasonable thing for me to do in the situation is winning emotional distance. And I don't know how to do it. I need some actionable steps towards that. So.... first step is to see, if internet indeed knows everything and what google will suggest to do.
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Old 04-07-2015, 06:16 AM   #65
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Re: Cause and effect

Liked "the Gambler" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gam...282014_film%29.

And I never worked at a job, where you can get write-ups or so. I mean I can show-up in the middle of the day and just surf a lot in the internet. I just have to get work done. And I think it would be so laughable if my boss would start to tell me how I have to do it. It would just immediately kill all the motivation. I do, what I do, because I like it, and not because I need to avoid getting write-ups.
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Old 04-08-2015, 06:03 AM   #66
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Re: Cause and effect

Gogogogo me,

I need to sort through a lot of paperwork and somehow find a system, so that I don't have to repeat that in 3 months. I HATE that. I would so like to outsource this work. But even if I hire someone to do this ****, I still need to sort through myself. I need to do it, with some insurances and a lot of things connected with job change. Whine whine whine. Motivational kicking of myself.

First microscopic task is to sort through one special shelf. On this shelf I put everything I get in paper, with what I don't need to deal immediately. It is SCARY shelf.

Me poor bunny.
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Old 04-08-2015, 04:58 PM   #67
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Re: Cause and effect

What is the purpose of life? The endgame? The ultimate goal?

Have read through http://www.bwater.com/Uploads/FileMa...Principles.pdf. Obviously I agree with most things in this text. He says also something like "You can get anything, but not everything in life". I totally agree. But how to decide what you want. How to choose this anything without regretting it later?

My mom called me. I know that she gets anxious, if we don't talk even one day. And I know that she will not survive the next ten years. But it still suffocates me this necessity to talk to her every day. But I do it. And most of the time I manage to stay calm and nice and chatty and pretend and control my tone and do so that she is more happy after we talked. It breaks my heart and rips my soul in pieces even to think about her. I have a picture of her, when she was 22 in one of this pretty cocktail dresses. And if I see her now I can think only how cruel time is. I have no idea, which kind of magic could help with that one.

Last edited by lapka; 04-08-2015 at 05:14 PM.
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Old 04-10-2015, 11:28 AM   #68
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Re: Cause and effect

Have to send out at least three new applications. Until I sign the contract for this Hamburg job, I have to continue to look further.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egregore that is what came to my mind when I read OOT.

Tried to take some pictures today inspired by FranFran and Yakmelk. Realized that I havn't touched my camera for so long, that battery is completely dead. So on the to do list for next days bu a new battery and do something with camera.
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Old 04-10-2015, 12:04 PM   #69
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Re: Cause and effect

I think your blog is pretty interesting, especially wrt your goals. Is your apartment clean right now ? I personally feel like the state of my living area is reflective of the state my mind is in. I also think my mind is partially reflective of the state my living area is in .

Why do you think that about OOT if you dont mind me asking ?
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Old 04-10-2015, 12:54 PM   #70
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Re: Cause and effect

The Secret basically just borrows stuff from older magic traditions and sprinkles on with candy.

Chaos is best imo.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_magic
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Old 04-10-2015, 02:52 PM   #71
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Re: Cause and effect

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I think your blog is pretty interesting, especially wrt your goals. Is your apartment clean right now ? I personally feel like the state of my living area is reflective of the state my mind is in. I also think my mind is partially reflective of the state my living area is in .

Why do you think that about OOT if you dont mind me asking ?
My apartment is significantly better than it has been in the winter. It still far from perfect with organizing and such. And it is totally true, at least for me to, that the state of my apartment reflects the state of my mind.

Next project in this area is, that I have a small mold problem. And to improve that, is a big piece of work. I mean it is removing wall paper, removing upper layer of wall itself, finding and removing the actual cause for the mold, because if it is not improved, mold will come back and then putting special antimold surface layer and wallpaper onto this part of the wall.

It is funny feeling with OOT. It consists of the individuals, but the interaction of this individuals results in the dynamic, which in turn influences the individuals and makes them behave differently, than they would as just individuals. And then, like always online, the question is, what of the posted stuff is just trolling (conscious or also subconscious). And some threads have interesting facts for me, like this "Emotional support animal". I am from Germany and I have never encountered even such idea until I read this thread. At least for now I do find OOT interesting.
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Old 04-10-2015, 03:01 PM   #72
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Re: Cause and effect

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The Secret basically just borrows stuff from older magic traditions and sprinkles on with candy.

Chaos is best imo.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_magic
THANK YOU! Many promising references. And especially I agree with this idea, that belief is a tool. I will definitely read more on that.
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Old 04-11-2015, 07:12 AM   #73
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Re: Cause and effect

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My apartment is significantly better than it has been in the winter. It still far from perfect with organizing and such. And it is totally true, at least for me to, that the state of my apartment reflects the state of my mind.

Next project in this area is, that I have a small mold problem. And to improve that, is a big piece of work. I mean it is removing wall paper, removing upper layer of wall itself, finding and removing the actual cause for the mold, because if it is not improved, mold will come back and then putting special antimold surface layer and wallpaper onto this part of the wall.

It is funny feeling with OOT. It consists of the individuals, but the interaction of this individuals results in the dynamic, which in turn influences the individuals and makes them behave differently, than they would as just individuals. And then, like always online, the question is, what of the posted stuff is just trolling (conscious or also subconscious). And some threads have interesting facts for me, like this "Emotional support animal". I am from Germany and I have never encountered even such idea until I read this thread. At least for now I do find OOT interesting.
For me personally it helped a bunch to hire a maid, she comes once every 1 or 2 weeks and just makes sure everything is up to a certain standard which makes me feel fine and also motivates me to keep it clean.

Especially since you're making some money it can be super beneficial to hire people to do stuff for you (like the mold or cleaning), unless you've made it a personal thing and want to do it yourself obv. Good luck if you're going to do it yourself though, doesn't sound too impossible but doesnt sound easy either .

I kind of like OOT myself, have been hanging around there for almost 2 years now and I really enjoy the diversity.
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Old 04-11-2015, 08:23 AM   #74
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Re: Cause and effect

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Especially since you're making some money it can be super beneficial to hire people to do stuff for you (like the mold or cleaning), unless you've made it a personal thing and want to do it yourself obv. Good luck if you're going to do it yourself though, doesn't sound too impossible but doesnt sound easy either .
I thought about this. But I am somehow totally hesitant to let a complete stranger in my personal space. I would feel obligated to clean before the cleaning lady comes, so she doesn't see my mess. And from my bringing-up, there are no such things like cleaning ladies and so. I lived until 16 in a part of world which is now Kasachstan. So basic attitude is, it is my job to keep my household to the standards. But probably I will end with some help, when I move to Hamburg.

On the work-out side: I have a good friend. Young guy, actually pretty nerdy and not so sporty. But in the last month or two he started freeletics www.freeletics.com. And now he slowly but surely gets better than me. And if I can't stand something, is if someone overtakes me. So I done in the last week three of his work-outs. Not gonna happen, that he can do something, that I can't. So I had this week three big work-outs between an hour and two and two runs each 30 min. And my whole body aches. I mean all exercises were pretty basic, like push-ups and sit-ups and burpees, but it hurts.
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Old 04-11-2015, 07:05 PM   #75
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Re: Cause and effect

Looks are important. Not necessary conventionally good looks, but interesting looks, looks that convey a certain personality, healthy looks.

Just got teased by this nerdy guy, who is doing freeletics. He can do pull-ups. Me not. Not a single one. So he totally held a monologue, about how I am weak woman, and he STRONG MAN, and I will always remain weak woman. But at the same time he gave me additional motivation: the day i am able to do a pull-up, I can come over, show, that I indeed can do at least one and he will cook for me and we will have star-trek night. That is a really good positive motivation. He is a really good cook and film evenings with him are always fun.
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