I remember when i was 21 I was at a bar and under an unusual set of circumstances I was the "cool guy"; normally I'm not- Im naturally introverted
but capable of being very good socially and on that day I had nailed my performance of being an outgoing friendly guy- because by nature im quiet and scared . And this cute guy came up to me and started saying all this random crap about how he had tried so hard in community college but couldn't do it and how he didn't understand why he didn't have a girlfriend and was 27 and a loser. I remember thinking how creepy this is like just stop describing yourself as a loser and just say youre changing careers and studying at cc and get a girlfriend like i dont even understand what youre upset about and also theres a significnt girls who would want to date you right now like...goo date them lol. And also at the age of 21 even though I had dropped out of Kansas State I kind of thought wow youre so stupid to fail out of community college, like what is wrong with you?

Now in many respects I am that guy. So ill try to talk about my more insane thoughts less.

When i was 15 I had very bad skin condition of sebhoriac dermatitis and was 5'7" and had braces and Ive always been confused about my sexual orientation because Im a kinsey 4 or 5 in kansas at first I tried to be straight but then I tried to be just gay and still identify that way but seriousyl mostly attracted to dudes. but in truth im just a kinsey 4 or 5.
So during that time I would skip lunch or eat in the bathroom or a table away from everyone else because i was scared of how i looked and i had huge blotches and peeling skin all over my face and plus my mom would yell at me about it as if it was my fault. and so I had nerdy hobbies and a diary and would avoid people. I hated school because I was never that smart and i played magic the gathering- thats why i play poker. I was pretty good at that game and played against a lot of pro tour players. me and justin bonomo played a game at dreamwizards near annapolis for example when i was very young.
I always felt really insecure secretly about everything especially since everyne else in my family is much more successful than me. So around the age of 17 i lost my braces i grew to 5'9" and a half inches tall and attracted the attention of some weird gay pervs intentionally because i thought it was fun and because i lived in a world that was partially imaginary nd enjoyed the attention. So that started with a bunch of messages and then my parents found them and got really mad screaming you're not gay bryce!!! omg what the **** are you doing?!?!? for example one weird message in my inbox out of many was this old guy who was like 45 who wanted me to live with him.

So I ended up meeting this guy in a hotel room in overland par kansas and this was not my first gay experience but my second gay experience. I remeber walking in and this guy was average looking and like 35 and him just telling me to take off my clothes. and i did I was more nervous than turned on so i had i stood there bloodless as we began to make out and he gently messaged my anus with his hands and i really enjoyed the stubble on his face and making out with him so then i laid on the bed while he ran his hand gently over my half erect penis and began to lick my feet. after a while he began to penetrate me really hard and it hurt( not the next day tards just in the immediacy) and i ws somewhere between turned on and nervous and then he asked me if i wanted to come into the shower with him and i said no and left. he was ok with it and then pmd me later. I actually masturbated about it later a lot more than when it happened and it was kansas so i kind of was at this time involved in a couple parrallel universes ie instead of school and football and church i was involved in mtg and drug use and having sex with cl posters and gambling .


So generaly my thoughts on things are really weird and all the above is known/verifiable to be true. I wish i didnt have mental problems and i probably shouldnt talk about it too much. I later became a huge alcoholic and drink every day. So i will try not to talk about it too much.