"Nice catch" you drew out on my 72 suited that flopped top pair after I limped preflop before taking 2 more bets to the face.

"Deck Change": I've gotten stacked twice in the past twenty minutes not due to poor play, but because we have been playing with the red deck rather than the lucky blue deck.
"Give the Deck a Wash": This room uses automatic shufflers, so I can't ask for a deck change for superstitious reasons.
"Seat Change": I'm sure playing J3 sooted will work better from the #4 seat than it has from the #8 seat.
"Raise It Up": I'm going to raise on the button in a $1/$2 game to $7 when four players have already limped in because I'm sure that will get the pot heads-up.
"How Good Is Your Kicker": I have top pair with Ace-deuce.
"Two Pair": There's a pair on the board and I paired the lowest card on board OR there is two pair on board and I have an Ace or King in my hand.
"Same Bet As Before": I want to give you even better odds than I did on the previous street to hit your draw on me.
"I Couldn't Fold That Hand-It's Just a Cooler To Lose": I called with two pair on a paired board with four to broadway and four to a flush.

that's really funny

.

"I want to see that hand": If I could engage in elementary hand-reading and range analysis, it would be perfectly clear what that guy had, but since I can't, I decided to slow up the game to obtain information that I won't use.

"I'll see your bet.": My poker experience is limited to playing Follow the Queen.

"I'll see your bet and raise": My poker experience is limited to playing Follow the Queen while drunk.

"Coffee and two waters, please.": I'll be here all day and only want to tip once for service.

"Floor!": I need someone to explain why I can't win without the best hand.

"Red deck on Table 1.": "Seat 1 just shoved the ace of spades down the rake hole."

"Protect your hand, sir": it sucks that i mucked your hand that you wanted to play, but really, putting your cards out beyond the betting line with no protector and not responding to my 4 inquiries as to whether you want to fold while you are busy checking out that girl at the 4/8 table is basically asking for it.

How do you raise with 78?: I'm a total passive tool who can't see past raising only premiums, and was totally caught off guard by you hitting your hand and your deceptive playing.

STROODLE: I have only played live cash a handful of times, and still find straddles as new and interesting things.

I call that bluff:
A. I have the nuts
B. I'm actually totally convinced that no one plays real hands.

C'mon, what's the hold up? (coming from the man not playing): I'm convinced one day I'll win the BBJ, and I want it to be some time soon, as I'm old and will die some time in the near future.

I had to call, I had a draw to the nuts!: I hit an inside straight and feel it necessary to explain myself at the poker table because I know I didn't have the right odds to call, but did anyways because of my horrible gambling habits.

Can't fold two pair, it's usually good!: please take my monies all night long!

"Short buy!": I've decided to lose my money in clumps of 10bb rather than 100bb; also, the ATM machine declined my withdrawal and this is all I have left in my pockets.
"Did the lady come and scan the cards yet?": my wife expected me home an hour ago but I want to make sure I get 50 cents of additional meal credit before I leave.

"I have jackpot hand, I call": I can't lay a hand down regardless of the price I'm getting.

"Come on, you guys both have the same hand!" (said in a heads-up limit pot during a raising war by someone not in the hand): you may or may not have the same hand, but I'm too impatient to wait 45 seconds or a minute while you properly bet your hands out to the cap / put one of you all in and therefore am going to pressure one of you to call even if it causes one of you to miss some bets.

"Thank you." [said by a dealer after pushing a $940 pot in appreciation of the $1 toke] == "What a frickin cheap bastard!"

(kidding dealers )

haha, At a charity room 1/2 game I actually had a dealer sarcastically say "gee thanks" after I tipped her 1 dollar for a ~400 dollar pot. She proceeded to complain to other players, who agreed that it was insulting to tip just $1 and that it was "like tipping a waitress a penny". I stayed silent and pretended not to hear them talking **** about me right in front of my face. Guess who's never getting another tip from me?

/derail

Throw a second $1 chip, say "here's my two cents then", proceed to never tip again?