Ever wonder what poker players really mean when they say those weird things at the table? Have no fear, lawdude is here. Here are some translations of common poker speech terminology. Feel free to add your own:

"I have it": I'm bluffing.
"My open ended straight draw missed": i called 2 pot sized bets against your set with bottom pair and folded the river.
"I can't believe you called me with Q8 offsuit!": I raised preflop with J6 offsuit.
"Come on, deuce!": I need a 7 or a Queen for a straight.
"Come on, diamond": I do not have a diamond in my hand.
"Black card!" (on a single suited red board): I have a flush draw.
"Why so much"": I have a hand that could not call a 1/8th of the pot bet.
"Chop chop": I am in the big blind with 72 offsuit and UTG and UTG+1 have folded.
"Do you have a jackpot hand?": I have a hand that has a miniscule chance of hitting a jackpot.
"Jackpot possibility!": There are two aces on the board, the pot was limped pre-flop, and nobody has an ace or pocket pair.
"Oh my I don't see how I can call this!": I have the nuts.
"Pot builder!": I have pocket aces.
"Live straddle!": I am a complete donk.
"Big Blind Special!": I am calling a raise with complete trash because I can't bear to lose the $5 I already put in the pot.
"I knew I should have called pre-flop!": I made a correct fold, but undoubtedly some fish would have called.
"Setup!": There is nothing wrong with the deck, and i have just lost 3 buy-ins in the last 3 orbits playing crappy cards.
"You are the worst dealer in the casino!": The dealer is the best dealer in the casino, and I just lost 4 buy-ins in the last 4 orbits playing crappy cards.
"I had to call! I was priced in": I decided to throw good money in after bad.

"Nice Hand." - You sucked out on me you idiot.

"Be careful." Also see "Do you want to check it down?" - Please don't bet too much because I have a mediocre hand I'd like to get to showdown with.

"He woke up with a hand" = I was playing overly aggressive and got burned

"I have 2 pair": There is a pair on the board and I have a pocket pair or one card that forms a pair with the board, but I am hoping that if I announce my hand as 2 pair I might induce you to muck your pair; also, there is 2 pair on the board and I have nothing.
"I couldn't fold this": I should have folded this and hit a one-outer on the river after I didn't.
"But they were suited": I was looking for an exuse to call a raise with T3.
"I haven't had a decent hand in 3 hours": I'm too drunk to remember I won a pot 25 minutes ago.

"Nice catch!" you called a pot size bet on the flop and my turn shove with bottom pair and got there???!!
---- see also: Nice Hand.

"Sorry Man."
I'm so happy I finally won a pot, I couldn't care less about who's chips I'm raking!

"Gambollllllllll": I am making a grossly -EV play.
"One time!": I am ignoring the six other river suckouts I've already had today and am looking for a seventh.
"This is my favorite hand": I am calling with absolute trash; alternatively, I am folding to a pre-flop four-bet with absolute trash.
"My aces always get cracked!": The last 5 times I had pocket aces, I won with them.
"Dealer, you always kill me!": I always make bad plays when you are dealing.

"You got dem pocket sebens?" = I read 2+2 too much
"Who's it on?" = I have a huge hand and am impatient to bet
"You have a set?" = I can beat a set?
"I put you on AK" = I'm looking for an excuse to pay you off with my underpair
"Let's play some real poker" = I want to be able to limp into every pot and hope, your raises are ruining my plan.

"lack ovah" (sometimes pronounced "wack ovah"): "i would like another one hundred chips that i intend to launch into interstellar orbit."

"let me buy you a drink": "in attempting to spew a minimum of eight big bets to you, i happened to catch my one-outer, thereby decreasing the number of chips you have in play by a factor of 20%. i would like to compensate you for your trouble by buying you a $3 bud light. (please do not order anything off the top shelf.)"

"deal me out.": "i would like to spend the next five minutes finding a toilet at which i may urinate. i will then proceed to ignore the sinks that are intended to wash the germs from my hands. i will then return to post dead money in the cut-off which you, being a loose-aggressive player who plays better post-flop than i, will raise in an attempt to steal. about one-third of the time, you will succeed in taking the chips, but unluckily for you, i have already covered those chips in my filth."

"service!": "i would like to order a cheeseburger from you and touch your boobies."

Adjunct to "deal me out": when I get to the urinal, I may or may not bother to aim my urine stream at the porcelain. It depends how engaging the conversation is that I am having on my phone while I urinate. Anyhow, it doesn't much concern me if my pee lands in the urinal, or the floor, or on the feet of the guy standing next to me.

"You'll have to pay to see." - I have nothing.

"He was gone 40 minutes! Pick him up!": He has been gone 10 minutes.
"Can I have that seat?": I have decided that since a player who is five times better than I am won in that seat, that I will too.

"This is my favorite hand": I have some trash which is:

A. suited
B. 2-5 gapper
C. cards below T
D. All of the above

which I have no problem paying up to 15bb to see a flop with regardless of effective stack sizes, but your 3-bet to 20bb is forcing me to play more correct poker and make a "good laydown". I will also make sure to:

A. Congradulate myself on a good fold after the hand is over assuming I would have whiffed
B. Berate myself for folding assuming I would have hit anything. I will take special care to berate myself ad nauseam in cases where the hand goes to showdown and I will have had the best hand

"I have to pay you off": I shouldn't be paying you off.
"Any two cards can win": I had about 4 percent equity pre-flop.
"Come on, floor, seat open!": I consider a full ring game with one empty seat to be shorthanded, and I don't like to play shorthanded.
"I called YOU, show first!": I know I have the best hand here, but I would rather waste 35 seconds of everyone's time slowing down the showdown so that I can obtain some information that I won't use anyway.
"I folded a 7!": I would have flopped trips if I had played my crappy hand, and I think that the importance of the rest of the table knowing that fact right at this moment outweighs the interests of the players still in the hand in being able to attempt to take down the pot.
"Action's on you.": Quit ogling the cocktail waitress' boobs and look at your cards!

"I'll show if you fold": I have a goot hand--not the nuts but a goot hand nonetheless--and I'm satisfied with what's already in the pot
"Dealer, who's it on?": does this slowpoke even know it's his turn? Let me indirectly tell him it's his turn
"caca hand! one TYME!!": I just want to gamble with this mediocre hand
"I kill myself": I played like an idiot and let you draw for cheap

"You bet the flop, I fold": Thanks for slowplaying top set and letting me hit my gutshot straight and win a huge pot!
"Do you have the ace?": I have the ace.