I'll show for X dollars.

(amount to call)

I mostly reply that I rarely show. BTW I rarely show if some folds except in the case where a opponent I play with a lot and I respect folds a big pot and shows their cards. This happens about once or twice a month.

Fold and carry on or Call and ship the chips over here.

Lol, I like that response

A simular situation is when someone asks " do you want me to call ?!?" . It's often the question of real time waisting hollywood types. A dude who fits this description asked me "do you want me to call ?!?"(I shipped my remaining $50 into about a $300 pot otr) to which I replied "I want you to hurry up, that's all I want ! NOW HURRY UP !!" I did it in a jokey kind of way and everone laughed including him. Anyhow incredibly he stopped pissing about after that and played with an agreeable flow. It's nice when it all works out

This wouldn't really ever happen against a good player.

Not true at all, sometimes even good players try to get a read with this question, especially if he thinks you may be a fish/beginner.

"fk off"

I just yell **** like

"TWO PIGS IN A BLANKET"

"THIS CHICKEN AINT CROSSING THE ROAD"

"DONT YOU DARE THROW WATER IN THAT GREASE FIRE"

they kinda freak out.

Like this;

'Define, show. The Greeks believed [insert pseudo-philosophical rantings here]'

I say yes I'll show, and if they fold I still muck. People don't ask anymore

"No."

'pay per view'

I'd pay your rake to see that