Hello,

I used to play pretty high stakes and lost my whole roll trying at shot at the nosebleed (~$500 000) ; its been more than a year now, i haven't played poker much but i still find myself not able to "mourn" the money I have lost. It's like it's still mine and i want it back. I cant manage to accept that its gone forever. I know it but there is still this idea inside me i can get it back by playing poker.

The truth is after losing that money i felt exactly like Matt Damon in Rounders. I had to stop or i would lose everything else, perhaps even myself. Except, i didnt lose 30K i've lost 500k, and as a student its a great difference. Above all for a philosophy student because that wasnt money earned to buy common goods, but money to buy my freedom. Money to be free to do what i want whenever i want.

Nowadays, i feel like im struggling mentally and financially. I wanna get back to poker to make a little money but i still have high expectations of myself having been a NL2K and 5K regular. I cannot manage to play those stakes but i find myself trying to get back over there. I dont want to. I dont want to live this very intense life anymore. But its still in my mind. I havent accept the fact that i have to move on with my life, move on with the idea of playing 5K NL again, move on maybe with the idea of playing poker again.

I feel ashamed also, don't know if you know the video of Steve jobs giving a speech at Stanford uni but i feel like he had been when he was fired from his own company. I'm disappointed in myself and i feel I have disappointed some of my poker friends.

I'm feeling guilty too. Guilty for having lost that much money in a very short time. Because it's my own fault, i could have move down in stakes after losing a few hundred k but i didn't.

There is a lot of bad feelings inside me, shame, guilt, i don't know how to get rid of them. Well, i sort of know, i have to move on, get over it, rebuild myself and create a new identity which wont be poker dependent.

Anyway, maybe some of few i've been where i am right now and if you have some advise for me, please do. Maybe you've been through an identity crisis too, because i think that's what it really is, i need your help to get back on my feet mentally.

Few years ago i busted a 100k roll playing 5knl and i had to redeposit a montly amount off a few hundred $ a month when my salary came. Starting at 50nl/100nl i kept failing to get back to 1knl (where i felt i belonged), because of my 4 bi bankrollmanagement. At some point in time after maybe 7 months i managed to hit 1knl and rebuild my roll, but that was in 2007-2008 when games where so much softer. So i kind of get where you come from and i also get the feeling you probably have that you feel so incredibly stupid loosing live-changing money.

I think it def is not the way to go if you want to do it rationaly.

The most important thing by far is that you will have to accept that you are not a high stakes reg anymore. You are just like every other player playing 25nl aspiring to get there, you only have the (huge) advantage of your experience. So you will have to start thinking again as a low-midstake player and climb the limits again. And while climbing you will also make yourself cash out considerable parts of your winnings. Never again you want to be able to blow your poker account, having to start all over again.

Ones you've settled for the idea of being a low/midstake grinder i advice you to do one of the two idea's below.
- Play on one limit only and revise your limit ones every month. You can only increase your limit if you make a substantial cashout too. Maybe force some limit restrictions on yourself by making a bet or in the software. With your skill level (i guess) and your experience you should be going up in stakes really fast if you put in the volume and don't take unrational shots.
- Agree with one of your friends (you mentioned high stake friends) for a stake. For example play 250k hands 100nl and 200nl, and after these hands you split the winnings in halve. In this agreement you can agree on not ever playing higher and he can check up on you and it will be easier way to force yourself into keeping the grinding mode for a while. After these hands you will be left with a big enough bankroll to start playing 200nl/400nl and can slowly make your way up again.

Unless you are a multi millionaire, how could anyone "get over" losing 1/2 a million dollars, pounds, Euros?? In fact you should never "get over" this lesson, but try to use it as a guide to future behavior. You have been a BIG loser, don't let it happen again. It won't get any better if you continue the same patterns either. Get another career and play a lot of decent stakes poker for fun!

@Joeri Thanks for the Advices I dont want any stakes though, remember what damon said to his grinder frind "no thx, i'll just lose it all"

@Bene, well its just money... i know some people here lost alot against isildur1, im thinking jungleman for instance who made a very nice come back. Im not Jungleman though and i have not that inspiration of being a nosebleed player anymore (at least conscientiously).

People get over losing their grand mother, their father, their mom all the time, from my point of view it's the same. Its a question of mourning, though i would think its easier to move on from losing $500k than losing your mom or your dad (if your relationship with them is good of course)

Anyhow, of course im getting another career, i was never a full pro, i always had a foot in the poker world and another one at college. Now im a full time student, but those feelings are still there, sometimes i just wanna jump back into the game and i've already did it a few days ago as i needed some money.

It's very strange when you stop for a while, the more time i didnt play cards the more i didnt want to play again. The feeling of getting back was too unpleasant. However, i feel i have this skill i'm not using and its a waste, why not play msnl or ssnl? It would help me alot for financial purposes. I cant though because everytime i open the lobby in my mind as said joeri i dont consider myself as a msnl or ssnl player. Im wrong of course and i know im wrong but its there.

I really distanced myself from the community though, i learned about black friday like a month after ahah. I wouldnt go on 2+2 anymore because i wanted to move on. I got myself back in shape, im working out 4 days a week, got 12 hours of classes, i thought it would go but here i am making a thread about it. Even if im physically in good condition, mentally i'm not.

The more i think about it, the more i think i need a new hobby, a new passion, a career i can focus on as much i've focused on poker like krantz and what he is doing with his documentary and microlimits animations. As poker was with me for a long time, losing all this money was like losing a part of my identity, there is a hole i have to fulfill

Close your eyes and imagine.

You don't sound like you are in that much trouble. When I said "don't get over it", I guess I really meant "never forget how bad it can get" and use the experience to avoid a repeat down the line. Very best of luck to you sir!

THC+ Its always sunny in philadelphia .

I would assume a large part of your difficulty is

1. Uncertainty
2. Ego


My advice below could serve to rectify those two things.

Make peace with the fact you are not getting that money back. Really do this. Don't even play poker again until you have done this.

Reevaluate your current financial and life situation.

Make sure your lifestyle reflects your current financial situation, assuming the worst. Do not try to be more baller than your non-poker friends. This is bad for many reasons.

I would suggest spending a significant amount of time pursuing something besides poker (in addition to poker if you want). Poker should not be a disproportionate amount of your success/failure ratio during this time. If this something leads to money it can also serve as a hedge if you do not pursue poker professionally. You could also so something as simple as volunteer work.

This will likely make money seem more valuable to you and give you a sense of greater security, which you really need to not tilt. It will make you not do stupid things at low/midstakes or feel like you MUST win a large amount in a short period.

I went through something similar and for me at least the earlier I would have understood these things the better.

PS Poker is not what it used to be. There are a TON of guys in the same situation as you, its just not widely talked about. There are also a TON of regulars making $60-$80K a year and will likely make that or less for their lifetimes as poker pros. Its just disproportionate the amount of people posting on 2p2 saying they are ballers because poker players are so ego driven.

If you don't consider yourself a ssnl/msnl player, prove it to yourself by setting a winrate goal and achieving it. You might be surprised.

crying

I always stop playing 100/200 until I grind back up to having 250k online.

cry myself to sleep then cut myself in the morning

i am pretty much in the same situation as op, and i found this post to be really great.

and also in the afternoon, other whise the morning cutting will be for nothing

grind nl 50