I am having a "swooning" moment myself. I met a woman here in my new town, and we have been dating for around a month. She's pretty much got everything I've ever been looking for: very smart and an intellectual equal, incredibly sexy (just my type), very kind and honest, and lots of chemistry. And she seems to feel pretty much the same way about me.

Needless to say it has been a little distracting from the poker playing, but I can't say I mind that much.

Ah, the giddy high of a new romance!

bump

I didn't really know where to post this, so let's try this thread! This ended up pretty long-winded but I'm counting on you ladies to be able to read it

Can the ladies of TTWS tell me why most ladies feel neglected if their men need their time alone? This seems like a universal fact based on both my own experiences and everyone's I've discussed this with.

Background story is that I'm moving in with a girl in a little over a month, and it's the first time for me. I've had girl roommates a few times and it's always been great, but I've always been extremely scared of the idea of moving in with a girlfriend and not just a female friend. EXTREMELY. When I look back at my previous relationships I can't think of a single one where I would have seen it as a realistic possibility for the near future.

I've had four serious and one half-serious relationship before this, lasting a year or longer, and the girl I'm with now is my absolute dream girl and we've been together for 1,5 years+. I feel like I have a lot perspective since I've been in so many different relationships and there's no chance I'd do this if I didn't feel very strongly for her and I didn't have faith that it could actually work out since we're just perfect match in every way.

However I'm already worried about how it's going to work on a day to day basis since I'm definitely a bit of a lone wolf and I go nuts if I don't get my own time regularly, a lot of it. I'm social/outgoing when I hang out with people, but I can't really take people in large doses, and having to see people too much makes me feel... I can't even find a word, but not good. I just want to be able to do my own thing and not see anyone (including my girlfriend), because I just need it and can't help it.

My gf's not clingy or anything but I'm almost certain that when we move in in a lot of cases when I retreat to have my own time she is going to feel neglected. And then there's that I have to start grinding at around 7PM or 8PM five nights a week (MTT pro). I usually get up around 4PM, so after a certain amount of time spent together I have to go to my office in the next room and close the door and put my headphones on to concentrate, and leave her alone in the living room for the rest of the night. Maaaany hours when your boyfriend is a few meters from you but won't say a word to you when he at least physically could. It has to be a tough feeling. While she's a smart girl and understands poker pretty well and knows it's my job, I'm still almost 100% sure that at times she's going to feel neglected, as if I'm choosing between spending the night with her and poker, since every time I leave I still have the option to stay. There's no way she'd ever make a number of it or probably even mention it but I'd really like to come up with a way to not make her feel bad.

So I guess my questions are: Where does this feeling of neglection for women come from when men need to be alone sometimes (with male roommates it's completely standard for the other guy to just tell the other one to **** off so he can spend some time with himself), what can I do to stop my gf from feeling like that in both the cases where I need to be alone to do nothing in particular and when I want to be grinding, and do the posters in the nicest forum on 2+2 have any first time moving in tips from a female perspective?

I'm also really interested to hear if anyone's past relationships have got screwed up because of moving in. Do you guys think it was because you did it too fast or would it have been inavoidable anyway? Are there any particular traits men should avoid to make it work for you? Another reason why I'm slightly scared about this is that I guess it's a universal fact that if you move in with someone and it doesn't work out, there's no returning to the relationship either because everything'd be so weird. I think it's almost impossible to find a girlfriend who'd be more suitable for me, and I'd hate to **** this up, so let me know what I need to take care of and how to behave.


edit: if this is the wrong place please point me somewhere, I pondered between this, creating a new thread here, 4L and OOT.

I think it's less the alone time that some women find rejection, and often the fact that the person who needs the alone time doesn't take the time to explain what they need (x amount of time alone) and why (that it's about you, and not about her or the relationship).

It's relatively cliche, but most people have some sort of rejection/abandonment issues, and withdrawal is usually a precipitating factor in that past rejection/abandonment. This is almost universal (after all, all romantic relationships fail until one doesn't), as is the silence withdrawal before the breakup, so a lot of people become anxious when their partner withdraws.

I'd just be completely upfront about how much time you'll need, and go out of your way to let her know before/after your alone time that things are still cool with you. Also maybe go out of your way to spend a lot of your time together focusing on what she needs in terms of affection/communication.

I think a relatively secure person, even if they need some reassurance that you're just being you, is going to be able to adapt to this unless their basic togetherness needs in a relationship are wildly different than your own. Discuss your expectations about how you'll spend your time together before you move it so that you're both clear on what the other needs. Many fights/feelings of distress are the result of lack of communication and compromise about expectations.

Best of luck.

I think one thing for sure CB, is that it may take her some getting used to your endless grinding schedule while being in the same place as her. Like, it's one thing for you to be alone in your apt grinding but another while she is there. She def might feel at first neglected. Hopefully she has an open mind and it sounds like she is intelligent so you will have her understanding that you are working and not just killing time on your computer...

Glgl and I'm happy that you are taking this next step in your life

IMO, it's all about communication and managing expectations. My sig other works from home (poker-related company) AND plays a lot of live poker. He treats the live poker almost as a second job. Even though I also play poker and we both have a lot of friends who play for a living, I admit that there have been times when I've said, "Do you *really* need to go out tonight to play?" We were both very independent people before the relationship, so it became a question of how to make sure the other person knew that even if quality time was scare, there was still a lot of affection / caring / support in the relationship. Those little things can go a long way.

I would shy away from phrasing things like, "you know this is my job and I have to do this" because it could make your partner feel like a nag. "I" language is always better than "you" language.

+1 to pretty much everything the prior posters said.

I just want to share this story, which is both poker and boyfriend related.

My boyfriend and I usually try to avoid each other at the cash tables, because he gets very, very angry when I beat him (I don't when the reverse happens, but I don't remember it happening in quite some time). He can't seem to separate poker from our relationship. It's very weird.

Anyway, the last two times we played prior to yesterday, we ended up at the same table because they started a new table. Both times were generally fine, so when it happened again yesterday, I didn't think much of it. I don't go out of my way to play with him or against him, but we hadn't played a significant pot against each other in some time.

$1/2, I have the BTN, b/f is in the HJ. A guy who likes to make baby raises pre to juice the pot makes it $6, b/f calls, I call with 64o, BB calls. 4 to the flop.

Flop is 753, two clubs. Checks to me, I make it fifteen. B/f is the only caller.

Turn is another 3. B/f checks, I bet $30. He calls.

River is the K of diamonds. No flush. He checks again, I bet $50, he calls. I win with the straight, he shows a 3 and claims he also had a draw (so I assume the flush draw).

Afterwards he starts mouthing something to me but I can't make it out, so he looks irritated and says to never mind. Many hours later when we leave, he asks why I kept betting into him when we were in pots together. I said it was just one pot (true), and that I'm not going to soft play him because it's unethical. He says it's not, and that I'm an idiot for giving more rake to the house.

So yeah, I'm never playing at a cash table with him again. For some reason I'm a bad person because I bet, but he can bet or call or whatever and that's fine and it's all my fault.

This is really pretty minor, but his inability to admit how hypocritical he's being (why was it okay for him to call but not okay for me to bet? so he wants me to just check it down until he hits a flush or a boat and then what, he's not going to bet himself? Come on!), and he sucked all the fun out of what should have been the pleasant end of the evening.

I finished up $850. He lost $450. Maybe that had something to do with it, too. Interestingly enough, when he won $500 the week before, I was happy for him.

Sigh. Men.

Just wanted to point out the error in blaming all men for the non-sensicalness of your one particular man. It wasn't women to blame when I was a dumbazz and married my ex who was a horrible horrible human being. It was my fault for choosing such a flawed example of the subset.

I won't say anything further on the subject tho

I have to admit. I see his side...unless he was going to bet if he made his hand.

He just wanted to check it down, right? It's heads up cash game. I don't think that's unethical. I also don't think it's hypocritical to call but not bet. Calling is passive, and he's got a hand he doesn't want to fold, but he doesn't see the need to juice up the pot or get into it with you.

Yeah, I have a problem with him calling you an idiot. Maybe I am spoiled(which I am) but anytime my BF and I fight we have NEVER called each other names out of respect to each other. I have been in your scenario before where I have out played my BF(who isn't that great in poker) and his pride and ego got in the way. We were able to talk things out like we always do but he told me maybe it is better we don't play together because he is very competitive and takes things waaaaaaay too personal. Maybe it is because we both came from abusive relationships prior to this one but we really steer away from hurtful words if we can.

That would make sense until you realize that he has berated me before for calling bets against him when he's betting into me when it's just us. So clearly he has no problem with betting against me and trying to win, only when I do it. I'm 100% sure he would have bet had made a flush or boat OTR.

But he's really a great guy all around. Just a few flaws, like all of us, and a lot of his seem to come out in relation to poker. I just won't play with him ever again. Ever.

The boy is insecure . . . and I would like to emphasize the word "boy". You have done nothing wrong in this story (as presented). I would suggest that your b/f has some issues.

That is probably a good idea if you want to keep the relationship going.

Then that's different. That's just being immature and whiny.

I'm not going to break up with him (we've been together five years in July) over something this silly, but I'd also have a lot more fun if I didn't have to worry about offending him by beating him when we play poker.

Everything's fine now anyway, I just wanted to vent.

Get a new boyfriend imo

I'm kind of dating (ok, we're dating but not assigning the label yet) a reg in my main casino now. He's always so kind as to inform me when a juicy game is going on. So it's implied that I should return the favor if my game has a couple whales who keep rebuying.

The problem is, I don't really like playing at the same table as him, because I would rather avoid the chance of getting in a significant pot against him. Obviously, neither of us believes in soft playing. For example, we still 3-bet each other with garbage on a regular basis when we're at the same table. And I have to admit he's the better player.

How do I explain to him that I would rather not have him at my table if possible?

don't wuss out, if u guys can handle a poker war, u can survive marriage

If u feel he's the better player, just play nitty vs him to avoid marginal confrontations

To the girl who got asked out by her workmate, definitely don't ignore him thats the worst thing you can do. Its also equally just as bad to ignore a guy you like if he has rejected your advances. Best thing to do is to pretend nothing happened and still be friendly. Unfortunatley a lot of guys I know have done this at one time or another. Most do it in their teens and learn from it and don't do it again but for others it takes longer. Hopefully both of you will find other partners and be happy.

BF sounds like an idiot.

If the situation had been reversed, would he check it down?

Soft-playing between friends or significant others NEVER ends well. Ever.

It's a poker game. Just try to beat each other normally, and it shouldn't ever be an issue because after all it's poker, and the goal is to win the other player's money.

When people have soft-playing arrangements, it always leads to arguments.

Well, after spending three weeks in Europe we're pretty much broke anyway, so no poker for the foreseeable future.