Survived refeeding. Looks like I'll be fine.

I'm doing mostly really well. Looks like I'll likely beat this thing.

Ha!

My younger sister is in town for the holidays and so I'm staying with my mother because my sis is staying there too and I want to spend time with her.

It's been a while since anyone saw me less than fully clothed in real light, but this morning it happened. I was under the impression that everyone else was either in the study or their room, and went to make tea in the kitchen wearing a very long tee shirt and underwear. My sister intercepted me in the hall.

"Where's the rest of your legs? You're so skinny!"

"Awwww, thanks," I gushed.

"It's not a compliment. You look gross."

"I'm fine."

"What the hell is the matter with you? Did you have any breakfast? Are you going to? I've seen you eat once since Tuesday."

"I eat plenty."

"Whatever."

I'm not gonna lie. I take a disgusting amount of perverse satisfaction in this even though I'm doing at least a bit better. Guess I still have a long way to go.

Seems like an appropriate spot for a video dump

http://youtu.be/BK30r_SIZ-g

http://youtu.be/LXXQLa-5n5w

http://youtu.be/XFkzRNyygfk

http://youtu.be/8PvJfxnCXtU

http://youtu.be/bgeLislRCko

http://youtu.be/TSBs-hiapo4

I read with interest about your interaction with your sister. I have come to the conclusion it's better not to mention how someone with an eating disorder looks with respect to their weight at all. A friend was fishing for me to comment and I told her she looked fine. Her response was - 'that's the second person today that has called me fat'. After a while she did laugh because she has some awareness of how her mind is playing games on her. She has an internal battle with this monstrous disorder that I'm hopeful she will win in time. I read that a third of people can be completely cured, a third are never cured and a third are somewhere in between.

An experienced psychotherapist described the idea of a 'healthy anorexic', someone that is in the group that is never rid of it but has learned to manage it and live a healthy life.

I feel for your sister, an eating disorder is very difficult for family. It just seems like crazy, dangerous self-harm. They can be angry, disappointed , frightened and despairing, often all at the same time. It just shows that they love you.

Anyway good luck, it seems like you have tackled this the right way by getting help and support and looking to beat it and put it behind you. You may have to be patient as it won't disappear completely overnight.

Thanks. Things are tough right now. I experienced some major personal difficulties recently and ****'s ****ing hard.

But I'm grateful for your post because I actually came in here to drop some before/after pics and now I'm not going to do it. That would be a bad idea.

Not sure how youll take this but here it goes usually people with these disorders have obsessivness in common I wonderd if I was bi-polar for a bit i would get mad at something from years ago and could not let certain things go which is a horrible trait especially when it comes to relationships.

You spend the day annoyed at your partner for the dumbest stuff but the events echo in your head non-stop. One thing that helps my obsessivness is channeling it elsewhere I know fitness is a good outlet a lot of people have turned too as its one of those never ending goals and can fit nicely in your routine.

In your therapy do you ever discuss having the impending doom feeling as if your world may come down any minute especially when happiest cause I would like to know how you deal with that as well as that feeling causes people to sabatoge themselves they figure bad things will happen anyways so I might as well control them.

As far as your poker life goes im very envious and I hope you recover better than before, if you can afford it a good shock to the system is visiting a less fortunate country for some perspective and youll appreciate your life more.

My mood disorder significantly pre-dates my eating disorder. By a lot.

Feeling of impending doom is normal by now.

Hello, I just saw this thread today and just wanted to stop in and say that I know you can overcome whatever it is that has done this to you. I know nothing of either of the disorders you are battling, so I'm not even going to try to act like I know what you are going through. I don't. I just wanted to hopefully provide a quick word of encouragement. These demons you face can be conquered and they will be. Stay strong and keep in mind that this is going to be one big roller coaster ride, just like poker. You will have days of run good, and weeks of downswing. But as long as you find the strength within you to keep playing, you will always end up on top.

Best wishes!

Thank you!

HiFi

I came across this thread a couple of weeks ago. I started to read it but couldn't finish. The emotions it triggered were too intense. I had to step away. I have a type of bipolar (for those who don't know there are different types) and I am an alcoholic. I have the alcoholism under control but the bipolar not so much.

I reread all your post's this morning, not the reply's most to them just make me angry. In many ways we are very different, I'm male, play online, etc. in other ways very much alike. The differences aren't important, but the similarities are. I too have a sister who manages to always say the wrong things. lol

I wish there was something wise or profound I could say that would make your journey through life easier or a magic wand to make it all go away. But we both know that's just not how it is.

I hope my post in a small way helps you feel like you are not fighting the battle all by yourself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

may 2016 bless you with more good days than bad.

PEACE

Thanks all. I'm actually in the hospital right now. No feeding tube (not necessary) but they're giving me ECT.

Wow

I thought some of my anxiety issues were debilitating enough for professional poker, but DAMN

Mental health issues suck as is, but they're so much worse when you also play poker. Poker is enough of an emotional drain by itself, and I think it really compounds when there's also something else going on.

ECT sounds so scary for a treatment plan

ECT sucks but it seems to be working. I'm home from the hospital so continuing on an outpatient basis.

in,

gl HiFi the evil witch

Thank you sir.

A close friend who I'd been talking to a lot about this just dropped a "just stop it and be normal and eat" at me and now I want to punch babies.

This has been resolved. Just a misunderstanding.

Just hugs. Can't really help you, but feel your struggles.

I think brain is one very interesting thing. How much can go wrong, if it is just a little bit off. Hope that ECT is going to work for you. I think stopping with poker or at least reducing it to the minimum is a good idea for your mental health.

Yeah I don't play much at all anymore. Once, maybe twice a week at the most. Probably won't ever play a ton again but definitely not anytime soon.

And thanks for the hugs, obv.

I play PLO too and am also recovering/trying to recover from a Long term illness. Often times it's tough but I've learnt 2 very impt things to cope. 1) Dgaf about what other people think at all 2) Take life easy and live day by day to its fullest without worrying about unnecessary things.

I hope you are well.

Don't you find this much easier said than done? Live everyday to the fullest and whatnot, but it's not that easy for some.

with some, genes come into play, and the mental block just crushes your suggestion.

in my humble opinion of course.

No doubt it's not easy to carry it out but I still try my best. There are times of course where my condition acts up and it gets very uncomfortable , next thing I know , my mind is drowning in depression thoughts and just can't help wondering on what's the point in living sometimes.

Bump.

All's well that ends well.