Bartender without 401k and poker player at 44. This will not end well

Yes, he makes me laugh and he is a great friend. However, this isn't a marriage as far as I'm concerned, unless marriage means one person supports the other's decisions indefinitely whether the decisions are sound or not. Yes, he would make a great roommate if he actually contributed to chores on a regular basis. I don't actually make more money than he does; he works only enough to pay his half of the HOUSEHOLD bills and the rest goes to cards. I have my own bills I pay myself. Trust me, if he actually worked 50 hours a week like I do he would make MUCH more than I do. The difference is, my job has the potential for raises and promotions whereas bartending does not.
My original question was is this is a reasonable life-plan for him and whether I can make decisions or plans based on this, and I think the answer to that after 8 years of no progress is negative. I agree I need to speak to a professional, either a counselor or an attorney.

Nice to see you still around.

As I said earlier, have you said all this to your husband? If you havent, you need to. If you don't feel comfortable doing it alone, get to couple's counseling.

I have to say I completely disagree with those saying it is not possible to win money playing live tournaments. I agree it is very difficult but I know personally a number of people who make a lot of money as predominately live tournament pros. Obviously whether this is or can be the case here is doubtful from the sounds of things.

Thank you for the update, rivercard007. Good luck going forward.

I think she needs to answer my question as to if she has said any of this to her husband.

Decisions being sound of not is subjective. If he is paying bills and never asking you to borrow money because he ran out, he is probably doing quite well.
You describe him as being busy with poker all the time. That is a good thing. If he were just playing every now and then and getting drunk in between, there would be reason for worry. You describe him as a serious player though who is successful at least to some degree.

So he is paying his half and building more bankroll. He definately is doing great. He should of course contribute to the chores as well. Although i know from personal exprience how difficult it can be for a man to see an equal need for chores to be done in the first place. If i think it is enough to clean the toilet every two weeks and vacuum the living room every month is enough, then it is hard to do my half if you think it needs to be done every 2 days.

You first said he spends ALL his time on poker. You are only talking about the bar tending work here and not seeing the poker as work maybe ?

Poker does

Well yes, i guess so. Maybe so should he. People are different. Some people need lots of certainty and think those who don't are irresponsible, others like more freedom, have the confidence to handle the uncertainty and things those who are worrying about their 401 are ignorant sheep. The free spirits can quite often be very succesfull in life. Surely theres also the degenerates who fall into addictions and end up in the gutter, but you absolutely dont make it sound like your husband is one of those.

Life is full of opportunities. If in the future poker doesnt work out well enough anymore to pay his half, he can always still get a job, or start a bussiness, or whatever. If you grow old and you dont have a great 401k, there are plenty of places in the world where you can buy a house or a boat for 20-50k and then live like a king off 300$ a month. I am i guatemala and there are many old people here doing just that. They seem more happy than the average pensionado i see in our culture. Thats how i see life and if a women cannot see it that way, she is not the right woman for me.

Short story: See the difference in how people aproach life without simply thinking yours is the right one and his the wrong one. With that overview, see if you can make it work together dispite your differences. If not, you are not made for eachother.

He should focus on his job. Either get a better one or work more hours so he can have enough money to contribute to savings and have enough left over to save up for a serious bankroll, which is somewhere in the neighborhood of at least $10k if he's doing live play. By doing tournaments, it sounds like he wants a quick fix and has even squandered it after winning a few times. I mean, what was he trying to prove with the vacations and the most expensive ring possible? There's no point to it if there's no consistency behind it, ya know what I mean? It would be very different if he paid for it all with his job instead.

He should stick to cash games for starters. A tournament shot should only cost you 5% of your bankroll and they aren't worth it after all the fees usually. Also, how high is the rake at his cash games? Alot of casinos now charge 10%, which is pretty much unbeatable and criminal. Home/bar games are the way to go if you can find a good structure.

He could always play online somewhere like Bovada. he'll see far more hands and can start with a full bankroll for only $100 if he's willing to start small. It's a good test too. If he can't beat those bottom games, then he's not a winning player.

Re: Speaking to your husband. As he is aspiring to be a professional, aren't you worried he will stumble onto this thread?

If ur man drove across rivers to work lottery tickets all day, u would already be done wt it

based on info itt, ur man is never seein 100k+ imo

Poker economy is based on male ego

but to say ur mans future would be more stable may not be true

Wow, I'm disturbed by a lot of things that I read in this thread, but I'll pick a few.

1. Most poker players are not addicts, that's a load of crap. I was a full-time player for a while. I now play live once a week (sometimes twice, sometimes not at all) because I'm in a family caregiver situation. I want to play more, but the last time I checked I don't have any poker withdrawal symptoms. When that's over I will go back to spending 50 hours a week playing and studying poker. My job was poker, now it's caregiver. Neither is an addiction.

I'm the opposite of an addict. I don't take any nonperscribed drug, not even aspirin or any other painkiller. I have never had a cup of coffee or an alcoholic beverage. If I go to a casino it's to play a poker tournament--nothing else.

2. The husband is handling poker exactly right. He's making a contribution to his family income. He is, according to his wife, putting the rest back into poker. That's called building a bankroll, that's what he's supposed to do.

3. There needs to be a lot more transparency and communication in this family. Does she understand the importance of building a bankroll? Has he explained it to her? Is the problem really his income, or is it how much time he spends playing poker? If he's as good as I think he is maybe he should dump the "real job" and pay poker full-time.

I handle all of the poker money, but my wife can look in the envelopes or at the online records whenever she wants (she likes counting the money). She handles all of the family finances and I have full access to that information. We talk about how much it will take to fix the car the same way we talk about whether I'll be able to play poker this week.

A lot of people are seem to make this "What if he (or she) plays poker all the time?" issue a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

They need to have a talk and put all of this on the table.

Wow, I'm disturbed by a lot of things that I read in this thread, but I'll pick a few.

1. Most poker players are not addicts, that's a load of crap. I was a full-time player for a while. I now play live once a week (sometimes twice, sometimes not at all) because I'm in a family caregiver situation. I want to play more, but the last time I checked I don't have any poker withdrawal symptoms. When that's over I will go back to spending 50 hours a week playing and studying poker. My job was poker, now it's caregiver. Neither is an addiction.

I'm the opposite of an addict. I don't take any nonperscribed drug, not even aspirin or any other painkiller. I have never had a cup of coffee or an alcoholic beverage. If I go to a casino it's to play a poker tournament--nothing else.

2. The husband is handling poker exactly right. He's making a contribution to his family income. He is, according to his wife, putting the rest back into poker. That's called building a bankroll, that's what he's supposed to do.

3. There needs to be a lot more transparency and communication in this family. Does she understand the importance of building a bankroll? Has he explained it to her? Is the problem really his income, or is it how much time he spends playing poker? If he's as good as I think he is maybe he should dump the "real job" and pay poker full-time.

I handle all of the poker money, but my wife can look in the envelopes or at the online records whenever she wants (she likes counting the money). She handles all of the family finances and I have full access to that information. We talk about how much it will take to fix the car the same way we talk about whether I'll be able to play poker this week.

A lot of people are seem to make this "What if he (or she) plays poker all the time?" issue a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

They need to have a talk and put all of this on the table.

The OP needs to stop being so negative, and allow her husband to make money so he can eventually play the baller stakes. This nag, nag, nag approach and constant bitching and selfishness really drags the mood down, and is a leading cause of divorce. She needs to get her man heads up after a stressful day and put in a large sample size. That way his game will improve and the OP won't only be thinking about what pleases her.

This! Numbers don't lie. He should be spending just as much time studying the game and reviewing hands as he does actually playing. If he watches a lot of poker on tv then ya u should divorce him

this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. She needs to live in reality

A lot of this is irrelevant, and it has nothing to do with poker, because you could insert any part-time hobby/activity into the equation, and it would have the same or possibly worse result. The bottom line is: are you two a good fit? It doesn't sound like it, and that isn't your fault, or his fault, you just have different long-term goals. You want someone with a more stable long-term plan, he probably wants someone who doesn't care that he's a bartender and spends all of his free time playing poker. You both need to move on.

One thing I am really curious about though -- how did *you* stumble across this site? Unless I missed a post where you, yourself, are a poker player or greatly interested in poker, it seems an unlikely place for someone to just happen upon.

Well, it is a #1 result for "poker forums", so someone who is a reddit'or or likes message boards in general is actually quite likely to stumble here.

Get him a job as a dealer.. Prolly get some bennies, and get to learn his player base better so when he does play he can win the monies....

I still have to say that I don't see a problem here.

1.Your husband is doing his bit to pay the bills. That is what either spouse who makes a significant amount of money should be doing.

2. As he plays he is building his bankroll. That's what a poker player should be doing.

It's hard to know how to parse the issues are here. We don't know how much money he makes, how much you make, or what percentage of his income comes from poker. More personally, we don't know if your husband always liked to do a lot of things alone and you knew what you were getting, or this is something new.

A lot of poker players convince themselves that they are successful players, but your husband is getting it done. He is building his bankroll, which means he's a winning player. He is taking care of his family.

If poker is at least partly responsible for feeding your family, I have trouble understanding it being a major issue.

tell him to find more balance in his life, to not play poker as much and to find something else that he can fall back if poker doesn't workout. College or some other thing that may be beneficial to both of you. Remember to tell him that its not all about him but you have to have a say in your lives , talk it out and work it out. good luck

OP,
The problem is that you really don't know his financial condition. Thus, you don't know yours. You have no real idea of what he wins or loses. Newsflash: If he's taking out loans, it's possible you are jointly liable for those. I could never sleep at night not knowing.
(not a lawyer)

confused ????

so if he was a realtor working long hours, nights ,weekends, holidays ,showing houses but never got a sale would this be different ?????
playing poker long hours for no profit is no different

is the real issue the time spent or the lack of profit ?
would you say the same if his time spent was as a realtor instead of poker ?

I don't think we'll ever hear the end of this.

Stop pos

I did it for a purpose and my edits are, quite often, commentary on my posts. Gives more of my personalities a chance to speak.

I think the thread should be locked as I don't think OP is coming back to it.