I find it hard to sit down and write. I have an inner monologue in my head a lot, asking questions to myself, about life, poker, what the meaning of stuff is. Most of the time I'm sat around being lazy. This year, this year has been no different.

What is poker, or what has it meant to me?

I think perhaps it'd be interesting (primarily to myself) to note down what poker was to me and what I achieved from it.

Early Days and University

I started playing poker a long time ago, realistically a decade a go. I think I won my first tournament on Ladbrokes perhaps even 11 years a go. This time a decade a go I was 18 and in my first year of University, I remember I played on two sites; Paradise Poker and Sporting Bet. Both were pretty excellent. I remember spinning up two separate 10k euro bankrolls from small deposits. I busted both and often had no money to eat or go out. Several times my dad would send me thousands of pounds (£s) in order to bail me out. University was, however, the best period of my life (at least in my short term memory), I believe I have trained my mind to block most of the unfortunate poker incidents out. I did actually experience poker success in Uni too, winning the Mansion $100k for a $24k score. I had lost that money playing high stakes online within 3 weeks. After University I got a job, or two, briefly. However, all my wages would go towards playing poker. I would often spin up large bankrolls from small deposits only to inevitably lose my wages and once again spiral into Depression.

American Salvation

I once had an attractive American Girlfriend. One of those ones that when people saw us out together they'd sometimes give an odd look as if to say 'why is she with that guy?'. This girl was attractive enough that I decided to move out to Orlando, Florida. I played poker full time now...Apparently. I played online, primarily on Interpoker. I made 3/4k euro a month as rakeback back then. Rakeback deals were good. I wasn't a rakeback grinder though, I don't think so anyway. I just played a ton of PLO100, would win several thousand euros and then lose it at mid stakes. That rakeback though, that rakeback paid for our lives. Our rent, our eating takeaway and sushi most nights of the week and our drinking of alcoholic beverages. My GF and all her friends were 20/21 at this time. Being able to afford alcoholic beverages made me kind of a stud (ok, not really, but it made me that weird nerdy BF who played some online game and thusly could buy other hot american girls, her friends, drinks). After and on/off 2 years in Orlando I started busting my roll faster at mid stakes, thusly I'd receive less and less rakeback. At one point the tables turned and my GF had to lend me $1000 to get me out of a pickle. She went on to cheat on me with a handsome Scandinavian and I thusly left America at the start of 2012 with my tail between my legs, single and busto; Probably a little more overweight too.

2012-2014 The Halcyon Days

My best period in Poker came out of basically everything going terrible in my life, that was the irony, that horrific life bad luck became poker based good look. At the start of 2012 my dog had died, my dad contracted cancer and I'd just broken up with my American sweetheart. At this point two good friends of mine, Andy and Jon, came up with a plan. They were going to back me at high stakes in Macau. I thusly accepted, moved in with a Norweigian maniac (BigBadBoss on Pokerstars) and that was that, I was living in Asia now, playing huge stakes a lot of the time. I don't think I ever really achieved a lot in Macau, I became a bit of a name in live poker I guess, everyone liked me, I tend to be friendlier at the table than most pro's. I banked about £60k profit in 2 years for myself and I won $500k in a night in mid 2013 that probably allowed by backers to break even or lose small over the 2 years of backing me. That BB graph tho...eek. I also went to American, Las Vegas, played $100/200/400 with Sammy Farha and played the main event (at the time a life long dream of 5 years, since those Ladbroke days). After a spell of losing hundreds of thousands of $s straight, one of my backers (Andy) sat in my flat in Macau, shook my hand and told me I'd be getting dropped. In reality it was about 6 months too late, he's a good egg. I wasn't broke but I was crushed. I felt that my time at the 'top' (the top being such a loose and ridiculous term when I think about it now) was over. I retreated back to the UK and moved back in with my parents. I wasn't busto but like I say, I was kinda dead. I did go out of Macau kind of with a bang, playing huge and playing hands terribly like this.. http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/15...k-hkd-1416454/ - why again was I frequently playing for $100ks?

2014 SNE is pointless and Australia is fun

At the start of 2014 I'd left my live in Macau at the end of February, I was back at my parents house and I deposited $20k on Pokerstars with the plan to make a run at SNE. Two things happened, my eyesight worsened and I didnt think playing online poker was particularly helping it and I realised that SNE really sucks, in my humble opinion of course. I also could never avoid jumping into 25/50 Zoom every time Gus sat or even like MammasaidTko. Grinding 6 hours of zoom everyday at $1/2 to lap up VPPs and then go through bi weekly real money swings of playing huge, weeeellll, it's not that good for the mind. I went pretty busto and gave up the SNE grind and flew to sunny Australia. Primarily to playing $1/2/5 and live in Sydney. Within 2 months I was playing $400/800. Aus was pretty fun, I spent too much time, as always, in the ****ing casino. Same as Macau. I mean one thing that is pointless if you're always gonna remain busto, is spending all the time playing poker. Doesn't even leave any memories. Anyway in Sydney it was fun, I'd win $50-100K every few weeks and then lose it again quickly after. It culminated in me getting into a private game in Sydney that had a bunch of gangsters running it and playing in it. I won $191k one night in a 25/50 game. I eventually got paid out for $70k of that and was scammed out of the remaining $121k. With that I decided to leave Sydney and probably not return again.

So seriously, what did I get from Poker?

Well now it's 2015, this year I stared the year winning like £125k pretty fast, live felt good. Since, I've been doing it all back in back in either through degenerate gambling or through just losing at poker. I haven't been winning at live poker since Vegas and thusly I'm pretty busto again. I created this PG&C in the hopes that I'd perhaps change my ways and let's be honest, I really haven't.

THIS IS THE CRUX. THE POST HAS BEEN ABOUT WHAT POKER HAS DONE FOR ME. THE ANSWER IS REALISTICALLY NOT A LOT. I REMEMBER PLAYING $100/200 3 HANDED WITH JAYP-AA IN VEGAS 2 YEAR A GO, WE CHATTED ABOUT OUR LIVES IN POKER. I TOLD HIM ABOUT AMERICA AND MACAU AND STUFF AND HE SAID 'WOW, YOU'VE HAD AN AMAZING LIFE BECAUSE OF POKER'. AT THE TIME I THOUGHT 'F**K YEAH, WHAT A LEGEND I AM'. THE TRUTH WAS ALBEIT ACROSS A FEW DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD ALL I'D BEEN DOING WAS PLAYING POKER, NO MEMORIES, JUST POKER.

SO I GUESS THE ANSWER IS THAT POKER PROBABLY NEVER REALLY GAVE ME ANYTHING, HOWEVER I CAN'T BE SURE OF THAT. WHAT I CAN BE SURE OF THOUGH IS THAT I NEVER GAVE POKER ENOUGH...AND THAT'S SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

TL;DR

CLIFFS: It's probably worthwhile reading this.

Great blog, mate. I respect your honesty and frankness.
Bit of a cliff hanger at the end there - I hope that whatever decision your reflections leads to you'll keep us updated. GL

enjoyable read, keep the updates coming

Poker has about as much meaning as most other jobs, i.e. not a lot. I think you should be looking for meaning in your personal life and treat poker as a means to an end. The good thing about poker is it allows you to have a quality of lifestyle far less capped than most people (even if you aren't achieving that cap) and I guess that is what you have achieved, and can achieve, from poker.

So far this week has been a really good one poker wise. So I was pretty low at the end of last week. I've been running bad online and live and had been questioning my role in poker and what poker meant to me. Since Vegas I'd lost £25k in live poker and ran $40k below EV online, breaking roughly even.

I wrote a pretty sad post at the back end of last week. Was feeling pretty low and felt sad to write it out. Trakk's post was a really good response though, it made me think about just making money and not putting all my self worth in how I'm viewed as a poker player.

This week I've been putting that into action. I decided to play some low stakes, such as £1/3 Holdem, £1/2 and £1/2/5 PLO deep stack. Understandably the games are extremely soft and feel easy money. I've been winning consistently and fee l motivated and balances, which is awesome. I've been putting in a lot of work 'in the lab' as they say. Watching a ton of RIO vids and going through posts and Hand Histories. Making extensive notes and really thinking my way through all the spots, small and big.

Tonight I jumped back into a higher stakes game, I felt good about myself and my game from having a well planned out and productive week. I won good in a £5/10 that turned into a £5/10/25, playing solid and running well @ showdown. It puts my week @ +£10k and has definitely been my best week for a while in many ways.

During tonight's game, it was mainly regs and we're all friendly or friends. We decided to start doing some random punting and a hilarious spot opened where a few of us chose random donks in a £2/5 NL and then crossbooked them against one and other. So say I'd get seat 4 and my buddy would get seat 6. I.e If my guy won £200 and seat 6 lost £500 then my buddy would pay me out £700. It was pretty funny, some of the guys gambled higher cross booking @ 3x and stuff. Was so funny to sweat, constantly running to their table when there was a big sweat or sending beers to the other guys horses to try and get them drunk and more likely to spew off. My guys ended up £200 and my friends guy ended up £350 so I won £550 off him, that was a nice bonus

Other than that my week has been good off the table too, hanging with my girl and keeping fit. Even did some tasks I always put off like going out to buy clothes and stuff.

Like many I watched some WSOP coverage. It was reasonably shambolic I think by the tournament directors not to speed up play. I think although McKeehan played obviously extremely good and dominated, him winning probably isn't great for poker. These things probably don't make a great deal of difference to be fair but if I was an amateur watching mckeehan with his clinical style with no charisma or personality wouldn't have me itching to jump into a $10k any time soon.

I'm not whether I'll continue to play higher again or just cherry pick the games and continue to enjoy the relative ease of playing lower and printing. I also plan on playing the £2k gukpt main at the end of the month and hope to transfer my tournament success from the online felt to the live arena.

Nice update! Very important in poker to feel prepared / on top of your game before jumping into games. Makes losing a lot easier to deal with as it was the right decision to play in the game, rather than a 'ehh might as well play this 0ev game and see what happens'

great thread so far man. gl

Nice thread fella

Glad I stumbled across it. Hope things work out for you and you have a nice end to the year and good start to 2016.

Nice thread i like your honesty

Beaten, battered and bloodied I scraped my remains off try side of another high stakes game road.

I've taken a few shots live again (yes, as depressing as it is £10/25 is now a shot for me in my life) and unfortunately it continues to not work out. I must have savagely pissed off the poker gods at some point but since Vegas I've found an inability to win all in pots in big live games. For anyone who has played poker and live PLO they will tell you that this is a big problem, particularly if your goal is to win/make money.

I walked away from the ring again tonight upset but with my head held high again. I don't think anyone is pushing a bigger edge in the £10/25s right now than myself, perhaps with the exception of Stars high stakes reg Flong who has been playing more lately. I spent my evening playing solid and with edge but alas, as has been the case for the past 4 months, since Vegas, I was unable to hold in my all ins, the most laughable being losing twice on 742dd with 9865dd vs AA32 no diamonds and KK73 no diamonds, that was for £10k.

So I guess I go back to the blueprint and print off some poor low stakes souls again for a while and prepare for my next shots, table selecting the best line ups. I'm good friends with high stakes beast and poker end boss Andy Moseley. Andy is kind of like an agony aunt to me in this moments of pain and believes this grind low and sporadic shot taking approach is the greatest line in the current climate. As a mechanic of building large rolls via poker I should probably take on board his advice and march forward.

That's just how it is sometimes with shot taking, sometimes you're Ronda and the deck is Holly Holm. Gotta take that head kick and move on.

I'm quitting online poker for a long period of time. I've had on and off eye issues for the past 2 years and whenever I've grinded later I've been left having pretty bad double vision problems in the days after.

Lately I've been sports betting a bit again, I see my sports betting small like a heroin addict smoking the occasional joint. It's probably not a great idea. Funnily enough the NFL has been the only place I've been printing lately. So far I've been able to cap myself at £100-200 a bet but one can only imagine that a leopard doesn't change his spots and sooner rather than later I'll do in a lot of money on a hot headed sports punt. One can only hope I fade doing so.

Gl to all the grinders out there; Doyle wasn't lying, this **** is a hard way to make an easy living.

ewwwwww. Meant to win both here at least 80%

Goddamn you Doyle and your insightful ways.

Unlucky bro, sure you'll grind your way back up to the big time soon enough!

Yeah wanted to cry a little bit after this one. Turns out 66.8% but sucks to lose twice in a biggie. Tbh the hilar hands the two blokes turned up with, I gotta be happy games like that still run in 2015.

I like your PG&C mate, one of the few I read.

haha, i bet. This is why i steer well clear of PLO although you make a good point, the game quality looks way better than any holdem game. Clearly i'm doing it wrong!

It means a lot that you follow my thread. Yours is my favourite for honesty/self reflection - something that seems to be lost in most PG&C's (probably mine sometimes too). Not to mention obviously a lot more balla than most!

Funnily enough, i was going to PM you when i first started reading this thread. I felt it would be cool to ask you about your mental game leaks but i deciding against it as it could've come across pretty weird/out the blue...

I hope you get to take another shot at higher stakes again soon, and can make it stick! glgl

Thanks Ben, kind words. If anyone ever wants to ask me a question, be it about gambling addiction, mental game issues or about PLO games (admittedly I don't really want to discuss much PLO strat) then feel free to inbox me.

So kinda had a crazy week in live poker. Had primarily been planning to play relatively small-ish all week, however hasn't really gone down that way. It started with me having my longest ever session in the middle of the week. 34 hours. I didn't smell great at the end of it. Basically I started playing some £1/2deepstack that converted during the night to £2/5 PLO that was short handed. I'd spent the night being down pretty much all of it. One guy in the game is kinda a Reg who definitely can play well but will basically never leave when he's losing. He was losing and I was fairly sure he had £10k or so in his cage so I figured it was worth grinding it out. That game ran into Weds evening and I ended up misplaying a few hands that led to that particular guy quitting and I decided to stop and book a modest £1.2k loss. I didn't fee too bad tho, I was pretty card dead for like 20ish hours and played solid for basically all of it, just couldn't make anything happen.

I was on the cusp of going home when a really good, basically must not miss £10/25 kicked off. I played that for 12 hours and it was a really action game, loads of big pots and stuff. Best games have been for a long time. I played decent and basically just cracked the hardest problem of having a few hands hold up in all ins and that led to me booking a £6k win.

We were back at it again tonight with a pretty similar line up at £10/25 and again the action was pretty fast and furious. I managed to get AAxx to hold on AQ5cc vs KKcc in a 4bet pot for a bunch and again managed to book another win for £6k. So, two £10/25s and £12k profit, definitely an improvement on recent results! I was happy with a lot of my river decisions tonight, I was thinking really clearly and made what I believe were a bunch of great decisions that can only happen when on A game.

In between the that slog fest on Tuesday/Wednesday and Friday I went out on the Thursday night. We went to some mist exhibition that was all about sense and perception at the welcome collection. It was my girlfriends choice and it ended up being really fun. I'd highly recommend it. Definitely a nice change of pace to just boozing and it's definitely these sort of things that one should be exploring occasionally at least to make the most out of London.

All in all I guess I've gotta be pretty happy with the week, a 34 hour session isn't something I'd do often and isn't really something I'd recommend but as live poker players these things happen from time to time. I think I played good solid poker all week and it was nice to finally be on the shiny side of some big all ins.

Hopefully this recent action will continue into next week and onwards. There is a good chance that it will I think with the GUKPT kicking off next week. Would be deceeeeee to end the year on a mid 5 figure upswing, so hopefully I continue to run solid in all ins.

Peace out.

Sup Phil, been following this thread for a while. Glad to see you are doing well. Feel kinda sad i missed the 10/25 this week. If you dont mind me asking, who was the spot and are they going to be there next week?

I will probably be travelling again this week but will be in time for GUKPT but hopefully it continues to run.

Also i truly get where you are coming from with all the degen stuff, I am in a similar boat. I know its going to bite me eventually but its definitely super hard to stop and just focus on grinding. Those props I lost the other day have me reflecting a bit as well just because of how stupid it is. The value isnt huge but its like, whats the point.

Jeremy

Sick stuff

Glad you're doing a bit better results wise now and it seems like the mental game may be improving too?

glgl

Hey Chris, how's it going papi? You still grinding a bunch?

Results have definitely been better recently. Currently I'm continuing to put up probably my best results since pre Vegas. I think I'm roughly at +£20k for the past week. I think it's one of those where if I find myself reflecting on the pure £ amount it's like '**** yeah', solely because in general £20k weeks aren't that normal in the Vic (due to the game usually being a £5/10 w £400min) but realistically it's a weeks PLO where £20k represents 8 buy ins. Therefore in reality it's a solid week and that's kinda all it is.

Games continue to be good, action has been pretty fiery this week regardless of the faces in the line ups. It's festival time here in London with it being the GUKPT main and I think that's what has probably prompted the boost in traffic and action. I guess these £10/25s will continue to run now until the end of the main event and that'd be nice and it'd also be pretty swell to continue to run good in them as like I said, I expect there will be a drop off after the GUKPT concludes.

In relation to mindset. I think my mental game and general mindset has been better lately. Primarily in regards to 2 things. 1) I've been working on it, trying different techniques and 2) I've just been really focused and I kind of appreciate the spot a little more now. 1, is obviously fairly self explanatory but with point 2 I'm referring to a number of things. Appreciating that these 'bigger games' don't run that frequently, when they do its a pleasure, it's fun, it's an opportunity and it's good to be in a spot to take on that opportunity. Also as I get older and especially since I've started dating someone with a 'normal' job, I've realised that being in a job spot where the worse that happens during bad spells is to drop down and play easier games where you still earn a bunch of money, at least in relation to the norm, isn't such a bad thing. One last point to build on would but that I discussed these spells where we get bigger games running with a frequency with a good Reg and buddy of mine called Chiggs. He was basically saying that during these spells he goes into full on lockdown mode of just gym and poker. That's where all his focus is until the games go back to normal. I think Dankness wrote a good piece on this at the start of the thread also. So that's been my approach too, just been waking up, getting in the lab making sure I'm keeping my mind sharp, and then heading into sessions confident and focused. Not focused on '****, if this goes bad then it's another x amount of £s down the drain' but just being like 'OK, this is a good spot, I feel good, I'm playing good and whatever happens, happens, especially results wise'.

Outside of the cash grind I will be doing my bi-annually donation to the tournament circuit at the end of the week. It's the £2.2k GUKPT Main Event and word of mount suggest it should be pretty soft and worth while punting. I also think with it being at the Vic and me establishing myself as a Vic Reg this year it'll just be fun to battle it out for the biggest crown on the GUKPT calendar on home turf. 1st should be a tidy sum too.

If I bust the GUKPT main then my girlfriend is throwing an awesome thanksgiving dinner on Saturday (she's American) so busting or going through is a win/win situation, which when you ya really think about it, isn't too shabby, isn't too damn shabby at all.

Authors note: Sorry Fred, no car crash this week pal.

ffs disappointing . ps you are bi polar

Subbed, good thread mate.

GUKPT Main

So earlier this year during a chilled Sunday watching NFL I was fortunate enough to ship a bigger $55 on stars for a $33k score. With this yearly bink coursing through my veins I decided that I'd punt the £2.1k Main Event that was running @ the Vic today. Word on the street was that the tourney would be soft so that made it appetising and the fact that it was being held on home turf (98% of my yearly volume has been @ the Vic) it just kinda felt like a must play.

I won't do a Pads style breakdown of hands and whatnot mainly because a) it would be embarrassing for me and b) outside of a few all ins I didn't really remember any hands. I was definitely too spewy at the start of the day. I 5bet jammed A2hh vs this Spanish pro who is apparently really good called Adrian Mateos and he called off about 40bb-ish with KK. I hit an A and so that was cool. I also got 40bb in pre with JJ vs AA and binked a J in another spot where apparently I had shovelled in too much pre. So it was safe to say I was running pretty good early on.

In the 2nd half of the day I played much more solid. Had QQ > TT for like 30bbs and then had AQ > QJ for like 15bb. Unfortunately after that our opening table broke, which was super soft with the exception of having Charlie Carrel and Jason Wheeler on it, and I got moved to a table with 3 guys I basically play poker with everyday and they're all very good, solid regs. Anyhow, I made it to the end of the day with about 65k. I think that's 10-15k above average and from the 127 entires 59 remained and I was 17/59 that made I through I think. Back on Saturday for day 2 so not too shabby, the dream is alive. Looks like the numbers will be pretty big too so I would guess there will be something pretty juicy up top.

After surviving day 1 of the main I felt like I was still operating at a high % hustle so I stuck around for a bit and won £1k or so playing a semi soft £5/10 PLO.

I'll be grinding cash hard tomorrow and then back on Sat for the start of day 2. One timmeeeeee please.

Glgl.

Nice! GL fella.

Solid start! Shame I couldn't play - a lot of our group are playing today. glgl

I won the GUKPT Main Event!!

....oh wait, no I did not. My love and tendency to reshove and 5b the small suited Ace caught up with me when I eventually jammed A2ss for like 32bbs on James Akenhead (big contacts to him he went on to take 3rd) and he 3b called it off with AKdd and held. So that was me out, some point on day 2, £2125 less rich. The tournament was really fun though, it was cool to have it on home turf and to see so many familiar faces around and so many people I'd happily see go deep. My knowledge of MTT fields is pretty poor but I think this one at £2k a buy in is pretty darn good value. They smashed the guarantee and the prize pool was pretty chunky, two of my boys went pretty damn deep so was fun to rail them on their runs on the live stream and whatnot.

Outside of that cash action continued to be pretty incredible until the end of the series today. I won about £7k over Friday and the weekend playing £10/25 primarily. I met the odd 2p2'er in the games and I also played with what I consider my new hero. Some tourney guy called Ludovic (some sort of French last night but he's Scottish). Guy had a great attitude and primary just seems like kinda a boss. He also brought loads of action to the game and of live poker had more guys like him it'd be way better and way more popular.

With the GUKPT festival coming to an end I'd imagine the games will probably go back to normal and the action might die down a ton. That's kinda sad. I think I won roughly £30k during the GUKPT week and just beforehand so it was nice to be on the right side as the stakes for bumped up for once. Overall I've been happy with my play lately for sure so long may it continue.

With my GF being American I was able to celebrate thanksgiving on Saturday. She cooked up an unbelievable meal and so I can boast I've sunk a top class turkey meal about a month before I should have!

Run good y'all, peace.

Ludovic Lacay (sp)?

Grats on the nice Cash results over the festival!