Today I got a really meaningful moment while playing at the tables. I was battling with very annoying guys for lobby. In my 4h session 3 different people at different softs were my compete with me for lobby and I lost with all of them. I lost because even though they quit me my mindset crushed, for a little bit. I let my ego dictate me how I feel during the battle. I was keep saying over and over again something like: "How, this stupid soon of a *****, who x/r Flop 20%, steal 100% with Cbets of 80/70/70 and 3bet of 35% can dare to play with me, doesn't he seem I crush him range over range? How can he even fight, she's so stupid" When I was stupid and I was one who lost.
When I don't get to deal cards it doesn't matter how well I am playing or dealing with anything. In his eyes I was a guy who open raise, call 3bet, call Flop, fold Turn like 90% it didn't look like great startegy. Same was with Cbet/Call Flop, Fold Turn. Check/call, Check/Raise, Bet/fold River. I was just huge nit who happens to overfold everywhere. He was doing everything great, maybe he even had hands, hard to say because most runouts was in his favour. I lost because I should just quit and rest, I should let him have lobby for one day and take it the very next day, but well there is the thing. I hate to give up, which is great but now I got played, not by someone but by myself. Today I had very aggressive opponents, for whole 4hours, for ~1800 hands I was under huge pressure, without rest, without breaks. And it's funny, how much I deserve everything I got. I ****ed up last month, even though I forget to count like 3.5k Euro withdraw from BR it was still bad month. I want to make it up so I push myself more. I push myself more so I go at the edge more often, one time I am fine the other I fall down. Today I felt down.
It was the first time when I was crying after the session. I didn't have tears but my voice was like person who was crying I was tearing my hairs out and was doing other ****. I hit the edge and it wasn't as bad as I though. Yeah I lost money, 1-3k euro, hard to say. Yeah I injured my hand, my leg, destroyed desk and keyboard. But I am alive, I am doing fine, all I had was just me shaking for 5min, 5 more minutes moaning, than I fight back. Ordered new desk, send email regards keyboard, ordered breakfast (my hand is not super useful, right now, even writing or moving mouse makes pain) so in like 10 min I was again in the game, fighting with myself, fighting for my goals and for my desires. Today happens something that I was always afraid off. After losing few BI in a row. I had a rage quit and was quitting table. During this time 230bb deep I faced 4bet Jam from crazy fish (or reverse bumbhunter) who went nuts everywhere and snapped him with JJ and lost to QQ. After that someone new joined on nl400 with full stack and donk/call, donk Jammed me with Turned Flush, vs mine Top pair Top3rd Kicker + OESD /GS + Overcard on drawy board. Those stuff hapened when I rage quited after next reg was fighting for lobby (5th or 6th) after I lost like 4-6BI to some ****** and was at the edge while quitting and I let my daemon take control but I took it all back in literally like 10 min. Know my mistakes, failed last month, world wanted to show me that there is not that easy to turn failure into win and I can get burned while doing it. I guess for the first time in my life I guess I kind of accept it while working on it. I am going to work on it, as I did, if not harder but I am going to keep in mind that I am paying for my mistakes and failures.
On the photo is not that visible but bellow my small finger I have like 3cm bump, that is going to remind me about those lesson for a while, whenever I am going to use my right hand:
Here is how my desk and grind room looks like after my little renovation:
Btw, just brilaint track:
http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=v..._Day_And_Night
Listen it with neighbors for over a week now.