Yeah I'm completely unfamiliar with the NJ schedule so perhaps my recommendations are untenable. I'm just saying in theory there are steps he can take to help manage his BR through a multi-SD downswing.

As an ex NJ grinder that has moced most of his action to ACR i would like to add some context. Yes if you want to nake $50-75k after taxes those higher end tournaments are a must but something must be considered. Liquidity every year on NJ sites keeps dropping akd the games keep gettong tougher. Last big tournament i played in NJ was mostly regs outside of stars and even those games were getting harder. Also the gtds keep dropping and prices keep rising one could question at what point they are even profitable for alot of players. It will only get worse.

As for OP i used to play the 1/2, 2/4, 2/5 games across all sites in NJ. Running bad or doen swinging can be extreamly stressful. My advice rely on your bankroll to get you through the bad times. Keep up to date with studying the game. Perhaps check out the new upswing MTT module which is really good or read through Matt Jandas new book. Make sure you are satisfying your body physically (exercise routine), spirtually (yoga), and mentally to reduce stress and increase focus. Finally if all else fails take a break step back and reanalyze why you are playing poker. From my own exp, and other professionals i have had the plessure to meet, if you are no longer having fun in the game its hard to expect your self to wake up every morning and grind let alone make optimal decisions at the table. So sometimes a break is in order to find ones self or establish balance to your life. Hope everhthing works out and GL.

You gonna love the game to continue, couldn't agree more, if you don't feel happy playing the game, even when you are losing or having a downswing, you are not enjoy what you doing anymore

I was a big gambler myself and I lost a lot of money and time, point is when I play poker, I feel happy and excited, even when I am losing, I always try to get better, the game of poker is getting much tougher each years, especially the higher buyin tournaments, it is very hard to reach the very top for millions like the good old days because those German and Russian or even Brazil team are crashing and dominate the high buyin tournament, American are no longer the favor, that being say, if you are not pushing yourself hard enough, if you are not tough enough, you stand no chance in this very competitive game


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I wanna thank everyone for the advice above. It means a lot that so many people take the time to write out long, thought out responses. I think I'll go back and respond to them all on another night.

Took the chip lead into the final table of the Thursday Thrill tonight and finished 7th with 5 paying. Zero bounties because I am not capable of winning all ins and pretty much slowly chipped up the entire way (1st was only like 7 starting stacks starting the FT).

Final table hands:

Checked back 62o vs the SB's open limp, called bet on 764hh flop, bet 1/2 pot on Qh turn planning to barrel river to bluff off 7x and 6x, bet big on 8x turn and was snapped by A5 no heart. He called turn with ace high and a straight draw on a 3 heart board with no flush draw and they gave him the off suit straight. Cool.

Same guy limps UTG a few hands later, I 3x JJ he flats, flop K99 goes chk chk, turn Q goes chk chk, river 7 he bets 1/2 pot. I actually don't think I'm checking back twice with strong hands very often in this specific spot so I think this is one of my best hands. I also don't think he's betting a queen for value and I think his Kx is either betting turn or checking river. Maybe he has some 9x but for the most part I think it's bluffs and 77 (I block the JT quite heavily here). I call and he has 77. I am just 100% these days to get punished for allowing 10% to get there on flop.

I defend BB with AT and flop goes check check on 862r. I bet the 9x turn since I think my range hits this board harder than his and I might fold out some better ace high, he calls. River 6 goes check check and he has Q9. Dude is checking back Q9 on 862 and I still cannot win the pot.

Finally the idiot on my right limps UTG once again and I shove 17BBs with AQ. Button isolates 88 and I lose the flip. I don't win these ever anymore.

The way I'm running just makes the game completely unenjoyable. It feels like winning is literally impossible. I'm getting exactly zero help from the deck despite the fact that I think I'm hanging in and making good plays day in and day out. And I'm not like running incredibly well to build the few stacks I do these days. I 4b jammed A5s against arguably the best MTT reg in NJ with 12 left and got it through. I won KK vs AK early in the tournament to lay the first cooler that held on someone in literally weeks. There were no other double ups; it was consistent chipping up without showdown and I honestly don't remember making any massive hands; it was pretty much just playing my range vs their range and realizing I'm going to get a lot of folds in certain spots and for the first time in weeks actually getting those folds. Winning literally feels impossible right now and the game is absolutely no fun when winning is impossible.

I know my attitude is negative right now but try going through a $9K downswing when just about everyone with the slightest clue is out of town and you're left with players trying to chop 9 ways in a $250, offering everyone "$500 each." Everyone is lost and I'm sitting here watching my bankroll disappear. It's demoralizing. I'm just so over it.

It won't last.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-KSrdwCN7s

Can't get that to post itt for whatever reason.

Thanks man, really appreciated your original post as well.

When I think deeply about it I know things aren't really that bad. I just started watching season 5 of Orange is the New Black and there are a bunch of reasons I like the show. But I think one of my guilty reasons for enjoying it is the way I feel sucked into it and can really imagine being locked away in prison. Being told when to eat my meals, being told what I can and cannot have, being almost stripped of my dignity. And then I think about my current situation and am just excited about it.

I've mentioned here before that I start to feel depressed in other aspects of my life when a downswing is prolonged. I think that might speak to a deeper issue that I'm still trying to work out in life. I don't think it's necessarily a deeply rooted problem that is a big cause for concern. But I do think that there are things I need to work on about myself that don't necessarily have anything to do with poker.

I heard something recently about my generation feeling that they need things to generate happiness. If we're feeling sad we look for something to make ourselves feel happy. We find the friend that's closest and most accessible and try to find that quick fix. It's why we're so much more likely to cancel a previously made plan; our relationships are superficial so if something better comes up, we go do that, in search of that feeling of "happiness." But that isn't true happiness. True happiness is really being okay with who you are and what your situation is, regardless of the ebbs and floes of it all. True happiness is knowing that it's okay to feel sad once in a while and knowing that it will pass. True happiness is having that inner satisfaction at all times no matter what is being thrown at you. I don't think I have that right now and honestly I'm not sure specifically how to get there.

I know that running helps me. Whether I have a good or bad run I feel happy about the fact that I'm running at all and I'm ready to go the next day. I'm happy with my family and the way they love me and the way I love them. But I'm worried when I think about my friends and how often they cancel on me and how I often just feel pure disrespect from those I hope would be closest to me. I worry about poker since the toughest of downswings seem to take away that happiness. If I was truly happy with what I'm doing I would just be happy I get to do it at all, regardless of results. I'm worried about my dating life, in the sense that all of my friends either seem ready to get married or desperate to hook up on a superficial level, and I don't think I really feel interested in either of those avenues.

I guess all of this is part of being in your mid 20s and trying to figure it all out. But I definitely feel way more put together when poker is going good and I'm making a lot of money. The money makes me feel like I will have time to figure out all of the above stuff. It makes me feel like if the roommate situation continues to be ****, I'll have the means to move out and try something new. It makes me feel like I can travel and meet new people. It makes me feel like I can escape more easily to AC or Parx or Foxwoods or Vegas and get a change of scenery while I continue to work. It makes me feel completely comfortable and not rushed about getting back into dating; if I'm single forever but enjoy what I do and can support myself I'll be fine with that, and being a successful poker player is a pretty interesting talking point whenever I meet someone new, so I wouldn't feel too anxious about meeting people if I really wanted to. But being an unsuccessful poker player is basically just being a loser without a job, and I start to feel like that's who I am when the downswings go on!

I'm not going to figure out a quick fix for all of these feelings, but as I've been doing for the past few years now, I'm going to continue to reflect and contemplate on all of these ideas. I'm never going to settle for just accepting negative feelings as reality. I'm going to strive to find true happiness and not just a superficial feeling of satisfaction. I'm going to find a way to feel as happy as I do when I'm on a massive heater even when I'm losing for weeks on end.

I loved reading this post and seeing how well you can explain what you're feeling, and the bolded part is so damn true I needed to quote and bold.

Keep up the grinding and get through this, dude

Hang in there OP....I have enjoyed following your blog here for a bit...mostly the running stuff that I find most fascinating as it is something I am not familiar with at all.

I will warn you, there is much delusion in the minds of poker players, so be very careful how you generate your assessments and develop your overall perspective as it relates to what you are feeling right now/your overall life situation. It is very easy to develop a bias or get stuck thinking a certain way based on a very short-sighted or mis-interpreted series of events...

You seem to be very self-aware, which is very important trait that many players lack...so my advice is simply to focus only on what you are doing each day to better yourself as a person and as a professional...and not waste any time or mental energy bothering with what others are doing. Being able to make brutaly honest self-assessments, and then consciously commit to the time and tasks needed improving a little bit each day is harder than most people realize...and is required if you want to really grow as a person/poker player.

Good luck and have fun.

I relate to the mid 20s and everyone settling down. Weird point of life for sure when you're used to doing what you want and friends are busy with date nights etc. I think you said you have a degree in education (apologies if not), but maybe look into substituting or tutoring on the side next year for some risk free income and a resume builder.

Hang in there, it's the journey and not the end which makes life so fun!

And remember,

Happiness = Expectation-Reality

If reality is not going so well, you can still be happy by adjusting your expectations. Are you playing this game to make money or have a fun being challenged? Hopefully it's the latter.

quoting again just to bold.

I've never seen that line before but I love it

Long time no post! Really enjoyed reading all of your responses to my last post.

Thanks! I really enjoy writing and have wondered recently if I should try to take it up on a more serious level. For now I'll stick with this thread.

Thanks Stella. It's certainly easy to be results oriented in life as well as poker, putting too much emphasis on what has happened recently rather than what will likely happen longterm. I try to make sure my mind is fresh regardless of what's been going on but it can be tough sometimes.

It's funny, of our group of 5 friends in college, 3 of us had longterm relationships of 2 years or more that either started or ended while in school, with mine being the most recent to end last May. Of the other 2 who didn't date at all in college, one just got out of a relationship and the other just started one. So there's only really 1 of the 5 of us who are currently dating someone and it's the last of the 5 we would've expected . So as far as worrying about friends going out on dates while I'm stuck at home or whatever, I haven't really even ran into that problem yet, although I'm sure I will soon if I don't start dating again soon myself.

I do have a degree in education and subbing might be a good way to go for several reasons. It would give me something to do during the day. It would give me that guaranteed small income. And it would build the resume' which would give me more peace of mind for not panicking if I need to stop with poker as the full time job.

Interesting formula. I like it but I do worry that setting your expectations low can lead to performing at a worse level than you're capable of. But if you are able to perform your best in all aspects of life regardless of expectations then that is a pretty cool idea.

I'm definitely playing the game for both of the reasons you cited lol. I love the challenge but also want (and need, since it's my job) to make money.

Monthly Update

I've played very little poker in the last 2 weeks. My birthday coming around on the 7th plus the downswing had me making every excuse in the book for why I wasn't gonna play. I ran the AC the morning of the 13th, 18:48 on very little sleep good for 2nd place. My buddy who might be in sub 15 minute shape right now ran with me the whole way and offered to let me win when we were a half mile from the finish but I told him I wanted to earn it so he took off for the win.

Later that week, Saturday the 17th, I ran the Hegedus 5K that I wrote about earlier in this thread. I hoped to break 18 minutes but unfortunately ran 18:48 once again, this time finishing 5th. A high school kid who must just be a beast broke 16 minutes for the win, my brother went 16:20 for 2nd, and then 3rd and 4th were also high school runners coming through in 17:50 and 18:20 so realistically even if I'd ran what I wanted to, 4th place was about the best I could have hoped for.

On the Thursday the 22nd I headed to Seaside for a long weekend with a bunch of friends and had a great time. We all drank a lot of alcohol and by the time we were ready to go at 10AM on Sunday the 25th I was very hungover. The drive home was pretty miserable and I had committed to a 5K, the first "official" race of mine for the Garden State Track Club, at 6:15 that night. Did my best to sleep it off but felt pretty ****ty as I drove to the race. Ended up running 18:42, which seems decent all things considering, but the difference with this race compared to the other 2 was that I finished in 82nd place! When the field is that big it's much easier to run faster since there's always someone you can cling onto and run with if you start slowing down. But I just didn't have that gear after the weekend I had and found myself getting passed the whole race. With over 1000 runners in the race though they handed out "top 100 finisher" beer glasses which was pretty cool.

Monday the 26th I decided to take it easy and just go on a 3 mile run and then put in a small session. Took 2nd in the Party $55 for $600 or so for a small $80 win on the day. Ran 3 miles again on Tuesday and felt exhausted so just played the Super Tuesday on my laptop while watching some TV. Busted 2 bullets in it and called it a day. Wednesday I elected to get up early and go on a run, hoping to get into a habit of running early so that I can relax the rest of the day and feel fresh for my night sessions. By noon I was feeling sick, and by 3PM I was just not getting out of bed. I felt awful all day, did not sleep well, had a tough time getting up Thursday, and thought there was a real chance my streak was going to end that day. Wednesday had been my 80th day in a row of running. But by 5PM my appetite had come back so I got some food, waited a couple hours for it to digest and for the temperature outside to go down a little, and then set out for a 3 mile run. At the 2 mile mark I felt like I was going to die but stuck it out to finish the 3. I took a shower and when I got out I was shaking uncontrollably from how cold I felt so I put on a ton of layers, got under the covers, and tried to sleep.

I woke up Friday the 30th with very little energy after waking up a half dozen times the night before. I needed to drive home to my house in Hamilton because my parents took a trip to Canada and my brother and his girlfriend planned on joining them, meaning our dog would be by himself if I didn't get home. It took me so long to get ready, I was having such a tough time packing and carrying my stuff to the car. I had to keep sitting down to catch my breath but eventually got everything into the car. If my dog wasn't relying on me there's a 0% chance I would have tried to drive but once I got going I started to feel a little better. I got home and realized that trying to run would definitely just make me feel so much worse like it did the night before so Streak #2 came to an end at 81 days.

Yesterday I just hung out with the dog, made sure he got some exercise and got out to take him on a walk. I also went to get some medicine (finally) and have been taking DayQuil and NyQuil in hopes of feeling better. I still feel pretty awful right now but I have at least a little bit of an appetite and don't feel like complete death. My throat is so sore that even drinking water is uncomfortable but I'm forcing myself to do it. I'm hoping to feel up to playing the Sunday majors tonight but I'm not gonna force anything. I think my mindset as far as approaching poker has been getting better the last couple weeks, just putting everything into perspective and getting ready to start giving it my all again, but unfortunately getting sick is putting me out of commission again. Gonna just keep taking medicine and hope this thing goes away!

Why the hell are you not playing the woosop main?

Going through biggest downswing I've ever gone on pushed the scale to not going out to Vegas. Hopefully next year.

I'm Still Alive

Will try to do a better job updating blog going forward. Ever since the end of May I've had very little motivation to play, had some fun life stuff go on, got sick for like 2 weeks and felt like crap, started questioning my sanity. All the usual stuff. I got a little extra stressed out from having to pick up my own healthcare, thinking about life in general and the risk it really is to play poker for a living and not have experience in other jobs, etc. All the stuff I've talked about on here before was hitting me pretty hard.

A Change of Perspective and a Fun Week

I hung out with my friend Kyle (different kid from my roommate) this past week and felt like I got a fresh perspective on things. Kyle is 3 years older than me and was on the cross country and track teams with me at Ramapo. Not only was he an extraordinary athlete but he's just always really upbeat and crazy high energy. For perspective on the type of guy and athlete he is, he attempted to break the world record for fastest half marathon ever ran in a suit. He missed the record by 30 seconds, running 13.1 miles at around 5:30/mile pace, but is set on trying to get it again sometime soon. He also was incredible with including us freshmen in everything when he was a senior and it really led to my college experience as a freshman just being so enjoyable. One of our friends who was on the team with us, a year younger than Kyle and two years older than me, got married on Friday. I didn't quite make it onto the guest list but Ken (our now married buddy) gave Kyle a +1 so he took me lol.

This past Wednesday, 2 days before the wedding, I went to a group run with the track club I joined. I was still not feeling 100% and had a tough time with 6 miles at pretty slow pace, but after I recovered we got a group of 4 to go play 2v2 beach volleyball. I forgot how much I love playing volleyball! There's something seriously fun about being able to just dive all out for a ball knowing the sand is there to catch you. After the volleyball game I headed back to Kyle's place and we hung out for a while. Kyle rents a house along with 5 or 6 other people. The house is fine and they have a big backyard. Kyle always does well with making the best of every situation so he seems to thrive in the environment. But as I was falling asleep in that house Wednesday night, I started to think about just how cushy I have it in Fair Lawn. Three people in a big old house, only $800/month for rent, my roommates let me have the whole upstairs, and there aren't any major issues to worry about like stealing or my roommates being *******s or anything like that. The little stuff that bothers me is frustrating, but I realized I was just lacking perspective! When looking for other places to rent, everything is either more expensive or looks way less comfortable than what I have now. There are pros to other spots, like being closer to my hometown or AC or Parx or whatever, but something about being in Kyle's house and realizing that my friend, who is 3 years older than me and NOT the oldest person living in that house, is sharing the rent with a group of 6, just really made it click with me how lucky my situation is.

Thursday I came home to Fair Lawn and got ravaged in an online session before heading back to Kyle's place Friday afternoon to then head to the wedding. It was really cool to see my buddy Ken get married, to hang out with some of my other married friends who now have kids, and to also hang out with Kyle and a couple of our other friends who are older than me and single as well. There was something comforting about having a good time with a bunch of different people who are all in different stages of life but still able to all enjoy the same event. Ken's sister is actually pretty close friends with Kelsey, and a lot of the girls Kelsey is friends with were friends of mine even before we started dating, since they were on track and cross country with me. Ken's sister brought 2 of her friends with her to the wedding and it was nice to see them and talk again. I realized that when Kelsey and I split up I sort of lost another subset of friends who Kelsey and I were both friends with but Kelsey was closer to. Having an excuse at this wedding to just catch up and see how everything was going with that whole group was nice. I danced like a maniac throughout the wedding and then headed back to the hotel a little after midnight.

The next day (Saturday/yesterday) the 4 of us staying in the hotel room got up and went to Top Golf. If you've never heard of it before look it up, it's a pretty interesting concept and was a lot of fun. Kyle and I then hit up a couple of Kyle's friends and played some more 2v2 volleyball before heading back to his place and creating a makeshift slip n slide to cool off. We played some Kan Jam and horseshoes with Kyle's roommate and his brother before I headed back to Fair Lawn. A couple of friends were at our house along with my roommates so we all hung out and drank a bit before I eventually passed out around 5AM.

I eventually got up a little after noon today and we all headed out to brunch at this really nice place in Ridgewood. I got some steak and eggs and it was awesome. We then headed to Ben and Jerry's before going back to the house. It was around 4:00 at that point so I went upstairs and watched a Run It Once video, the same one I've seen a bunch of times with Phil Galfond where he just talks about exploiting MTT players by raising flops, and then eventually fired up my session. My mindset was a lot better to start this session then it has been in past sessions during this downswing, which had hit just under $13K and had decimated my BR to a shade over $17K. That being said my mindset was good on Thursday and I snap busted everything, losing the 7 biggest pots I played! I checked after the session Thursday to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and the odds of losing all 7 of those hands was 0.3% So I'm not running great at the moment

Sunday Session

Good mindset to start the day and I didn't have to re-enter any of the majors. In fact I had over 5 starting stacks in all 3 of them at one point before bubbling the Stars 50K and finishing a pretty disappointing 12th in the WSOP 40K after having a big chip lead for a while. Fortunately the Party 40K was very kind to me, leaving me in contention down to the final 5 at which point I 3b shoved AQ and ran into KK only to flop an ace to stay alive and move into 2nd place! I finished 2nd for about $5500 for my first 4 figure winning day in 2 months.

Tougher Mindset

Even before the result from today, something about hanging out in a different spot all week had my mind thinking more clearly about everything. I realized how vital it was to stop feeling sorry for myself. About how I run in poker, about what my living conditions are like, about not being with Kelsey anymore, about not having a steady paycheck. A lot of that stuff is on me anyway, and the stuff that actually is just bad luck I need to start sucking up. In reality I just need to stop thinking so much about everything. No more breaking down "how unlucky" I am in poker. No more dwelling on being single; if it's bothering me that much then I need to actively start trying to date people. If I don't want to do that it's fine but no more feeling bad about it. I don't have a steady paycheck but I also can wake up any time I want tomorrow; that's the trade off. I just want to be tougher going forward, and my problem in the past is that I've tried too hard to figure out my problems. Instead I need to just be tougher. I don't need a solution for everything that sucks, I need to just acknowledge whatever it is exists and then let it exist and not let it bother me and not feel uptight when I don't have an immediate solution.

Motivation Going Forward

I'm feeling motivated to grind again, and I'm feeling even more motivated to put in the work away from the tables so that I feel confident while I'm playing, even when I'm losing. The lack of confidence is what makes downswings so hard. If I know I'm making good decisions and just running bad, then I feel fine about losing. But when the doubt creeps in about how I'm playing I just feel awful. So I have a schedule set for tomorrow that will allow me to get my run in, watch some Run It Once videos, get the dog some exercise, clean my room a bit, etc. I need structure in my life again to start feeling like a real person instead of just a mindless piece of crap who wastes time during the day and plays video games at night! I need to start taking myself more seriously and not just laugh off all the stuff that needs improvement. The roll is back to $22.5K with the 2nd place finish tonight but there's lots of work to be done to get it back to the $30K it was when this downer started. I'm sure that if I really work hard and take my job seriously again, I'll get there before I know it.

So you going to go after Kyle now??

lol that was the joke at the wedding...we matched and the table card said "Kyle and guest" so we acted like a couple all the way through.

Best of luck. The variance is just insane. I will repeat my earlier suggestion that if you want a more steady stream of income, you should start playing cash games at a higher frequency, live and online.

Thanks, and you're definitely right. I think I just fear hopping into online cash since I feel underprepared for it and like I should do a bunch of studying on it before actually playing. As far as live goes, it just sucks that I live so far from AC right now, but I do enjoy live cash and have pretty decent success with it with the smallish volume I have put in.

Getting Tougher, Setting Schedules

I know I went on about it a lot in the last post but something about hanging out away from my house for a week or so and actually having a good time just has me thinking differently about things lately. The realization that living anywhere else would probably be more difficult than living in the house I'm at now was really good for me. There's a bunch of **** around the house that annoys me but whining and getting annoyed by it is ridiculous. I just didn't have any perspective to realize it was silly to get upset until I started really thinking about moving out. I've also realized that just sitting around the house doing nothing in the day has been slowly eating at me. I don't feel like a real person, and using the excuse that I have to work at night is dumb. Not having any of that interaction with other people all day eats at me. So I think the solution is to set up some sort of schedule each day and do my best to stick with it. There aren't any consequences if I don't, but I won't feel good if I'm just sitting around, so I have to stick to the schedule for my own well being.

I set the alarm for 9:30 this morning, was out of the house by 10, and drove to a park and got my run started around 10:30. I ran Monday and today and each day I decided to go for 30 minutes, rather than a specific distance. Monday I went a little over 4.1 miles, today I got it up to around 4.25, or 7:03 pace. The goal going forward with running is to get into racing shape. The problem is I'm still not sure what distance race I want to be in shape for! 5Ks are always good to train for but at some point in my life I want to run a marathon. I guess I can look to be in good shape for a 5K, and then whenever I decide I want to run a marathon I should be close to being in good enough shape to do it anyway.

Poker

After a nice Sunday and the first good day results-wise I've had in a very very long time, it was back to the painful status quo Monday and Tuesday. In the interest of bettering myself and having a tougher attitude, I'm not going to dwell as much on the negatives in this thread anymore, but I will at least give a little overview of the goings on of each day. Monday I had the chip lead the entire Stars 10K (legit had like 100K at 800bb from a 10K SS) before busting 10th, shoving 75K with A8o over a button open at 3Kbb from a guy who'd opened 4/4 buttons and had an 80% fold to 3b. He called with 77 and I lost. I played the nightly WSOP 5K for the first time in forever (it's a 15r now instead of a 10r and I have no idea when they changed it lol). One tabled it for a long time and had a chance at a day saver with like $1300 up top, but ended up busting 9th. Lost about $500 on the day.

Yesterday was just another day of having a decent start before hitting one of those stretches that is just hard to believe. Lose flip, lose 80/20, lose another flip, and all of a sudden in 5 minutes a really promising session is down to 2 tables. Luckily both tourneys I was left in had some real money up top, the Stars $250 and the WSOP $30r. The 30r on WSOP is now an 8K because their software is so bad that people are starting to stop playing on it. Like that tourney has been a 10K for 3 years and they've had to drop it down because it's not getting anywhere near the 10K. The software freezes on me 5-6 times per session and I have to close it out and open it up again. As Norm pointed out in here though it's tough to just stop playing on one site when there are only 3 so I just put up with it. I guess I'm part of the problem

Anyway, I got into a flip for the chip lead with 12 left in the 30r and lost to bust 12th for $200 with like $2300 up top. To be fair in the Stars $250, I got A2 in vs TT for 25K each (starting stack) at 2400bb and binked to double. I chipped up steadily after that and was over 100K for quite some time. We got down to 12 left with the 9th place mincash being $580 or so and I r/c'ed 77 on the button at 3600bb vs a 70K jam from the SB. He had 33 and I did not win, leaving me with 40K. Shortly later lost KQ to QQ for my last 10bbs to bust 12th out of the money with $5K up top . Lost $1200 on the day. It's all standard variance but it just really sucks when you're working hard to get out of a hole.

Going Forward

All of the above being said, this is really the first time I've found myself working hard in recent memory. I feel more like I did in February when I changed my attitude and started working hard and knowing things were going to turn around, rather than complaining about short term variance and not finding ways to chip up without showdown. I'm going to be tougher going forward, going to complain less, and I'm going to get out of this funk I'm in. I realized recently with my bankroll shrinking like it did that my options were soon going to be to figure this game out again or to get a real job. While the latter wouldn't be the end of the world, I don't want this ride to end just yet. I love the game and I know I'll start to love this lifestyle again if I'm making money and finding productive things to do with my time during the day. It's stressful and it sucks to downswing in poker. But every job is stressful and has ****ty aspects about it. There's no path is life that is just easy and stress free all the time, and honestly that's a good thing. It'd be boring if everything was just handed to you. But I have to stop focusing on the negatives and start focusing on what it is I can do and what I have in my control to make them positive. I'm optimistic that this is going to turn around sooner rather than later.

It's been said before but working on learning to grind cash or sngs or whatever is profitable on nj sites would be hugely beneficial for you, both for evening out variance and for boosting your overall hourly. Those times when you are 1 tabling a $15r or really 1 tabling any tournament are a huge drain to your long term hourly. Being able to load up something on the side would be very helpful towards the tail end of your tourney sessions.

Sorry to hear about the rough run. It can be a super stressful way to make a living. Have you looked into what kind of yearly expectation you can expect/can be achieved as a nj tourney grinder? The lifestyle is great but if you can only expect to make an EV of 30-40k/yr it's prob not worth the stress/the late start into normal work unless you value the freedom very very highly. With the tourneys/games available is people having consistent 75k+ years possible and are there any people doing that?

First Win in Over Two Months!



Alright alright so it's for like 3 buy ins at my usual game but dammit we're taking it!

Took 2nd in both the Party 10K and 5K on Wednesday, profited over 2 grand on the day, bankroll has gone from an all time professional low of 17.2K before Sunday's session to 24.3K now. Think I will go back to the plan of withdrawing any money over $25K to start putting money back in the bank. Sort of a shame that I had it to 30K with plans of attempting to grow it more and then hit this wild downswing but that's just how it all works. Feel like my head is back on straight and I'm working harder at doing the away from the table work which has immediately paid dividends. I find myself really really looking for spots and pushing every edge. When I have less than 20 big blinds I tell myself that I'm not allowed to be upset if I bust since I've allowed myself to get short enough for variance to be a very major factor in how I do the rest of the way. I actually had the chip lead starting both of the heads up matches so 2 2nds is disappointing but obviously quite good from an overall standpoint.

Main Event Thoughts

Yesterday I took off and went to the bar with my roommates and watched the main event on their TV. For the 2nd time in 3 years I very personally know the chip leader to start the final table of the main, and for the 2nd time in 3 years I don't even know if I'm rooting for him. Scott Blumstein and I were actually pretty close friends for a few years and then 2014 we had a pretty nasty falling out. The Scott I knew is how most people know him, a really nice guy who seems to genuinely care for his friends and has a good heart. But man did he flip a switch when we got into an argument that escalated and said some really nasty things to me that made me really question who he is. Overall I think he's probably a good guy who got carried away when he felt he'd been wronged and we both acted immaturely. I guess I'm cheering for him but it's a bit weird since we haven't really spoken since then. We actually played basketball last year together during one of the Borgata series and won a couple of 3v3 games together lol but again we didn't talk much. If you search this thread I have a post in here somewhere describing us playing 3 handed in one of the NJ 10Ks while I was in AC.

Probably the funniest thing about all of this was Joe McKeehen was involved in me and Scott's falling out. Scott knows Joe quite well also and he couldn't believe how lucky Joe has been his whole career. In 2014 Joe was just coming off of getting 2nd in the Monster Stack for around a million and it drove Scott nuts. When Joe made his run in the main in 2015 I was cracking up thinking about how Scott must be losing his mind now that Joe was going to be main event champ. Scott even made a Twitter account @due904 that was a parody of Joe and got a lot of attention. It was actually pretty funny to be fair. AND HERE WE ARE 2 YEARS LATER lolll. Poker is insane.

Second Place Barrage

Can't seem to get a win in any real tourneys but not complaining as I've been playing and running quite well to continue racking up the 2nd place finishes on Party:



Not yet included in above chart, from last night:



Past Week

So we're up $8500 in the last 7 days, erasing about 2/3 of the total downswing from the last 2 months. I feel focused when I play and confident due to watching probably 5 or 6 RIO videos in the last few days. I feel that I have huge potential in this game when I work hard. But my problem is that I've always been incredibly lazy with just about everything I do. If I start taking myself seriously and continue to watch videos, discuss hands with peers, and really try to be the best I can be, I can see good things happening in the future. I want to be successful and hopefully this downswing was the wake up call that it's time to really start treating this like a job. Gotta put in the hours, not just playing, but honing the craft.

Playing Bad While Downswinging and How to Fix It

The biggest difference I notice when I'm playing when I'm downswinging compared to when I'm playing well and focused is that when playing well, I'm deeply thinking about ranges. Specifically what I'd be doing with every given possible combo I could have on each street, and how my range does compared to villain's range. I know this is wildly simple and is how the game is clearly meant to be played, but when I'm downswinging the critical thought goes out the window. It's easily my biggest leak, easily has cost me probably tens of thousands of dollars in the last few years, and it doesn't seem like it should be that hard to fix. I just need to study to have the tools and the confidence to make the right plays, and then the proper mindset to follow through and actually think about these plays while in game.

Borgata Main

I was sort of considering playing the Borgata $2700 1B tomorrow but I'd have to sell off a bunch and make the 2.5 hour drive so I'm leaning towards no. If anyone is seriously interested in buying me for that event then shoot me a PM or a message here and maybe I'll change my mind, but for now I'm probably staying home. The bankroll is back over $25K meaning I can start withdrawing again if I feel the need, but if I could run it back up to $30K before doing that then that would be pretty cool. Big Sunday today, another good session could see me completely wipe out the fail of the last 2 months. But results don't matter, we'll be focusing on decisions, and I hope to play my best today. Already got a 40 minute run in today (5.65 miles, 7:04/mile) and I feel pretty good. Might get some food and take a nap, watch a video, and try to start the session around 5PM.

Always good to read Dan. I'm good friends with Scott, have been since meeting him at TS when we were too young for AC/Vegas. The mirror of Scott's run vs Joes run in the main is def hilarious, but 7200 person tournaments, just whether we see the insane god run hot or if it happened more on days 1-5 (probably a lot of both). Although it's more beneficial to win a 30/70 for millions of dollars, it is not in any way more LIKELY, than a 30/70 for pennies. Everyone has their upside and downside, Scott is no different, he can be opinionated about things that even have objective answers... everyone does it from time to time, it's what makes everyone their own person and fun. I've said things that probably make him question if I am actually a real person or some malfunctioning robot, I've wondered similar things about him from time to time.
But he's a good dude and I'm glad you could somewhat cheer for him; wouldn't hurt shooting a message saying congrats, also obv probably doesn't make a huge change in life path for either of you if you never talk again... but you never know

It seems like your ABI is in the 100-150 range, I would really try to remove all the mentioning of X$ lose here, Y dollars on the month. 10k swings at a 100ABI with avg player fields >100 is going to happen. There aren't a lot of mentions of chipEv or $eV, these are important stats. I don't mind if I have a -2k day... if my chipEv is lookin swag. If I make 2k but I see that I actually ran way hot and should have had a losing day, I make sure to look into whether it was coolers or mistakes. Tournaments are brutal (I don't touch em!!) but if a 6k swing is going to be gg Dan, the transition to other games needs to be started. With that in mind, I also was kind of curious what your HU training or play is? So much of MTT variance (by magnitude, not frequency) is all about 1st vs 2nd, gotta make sure to find the gold medal when opportunity presents itself.

I played a bit NJ recently when I was at borgata, spin N go seem like they could be a decent filler, games were good. Would help with volume and could help HU and short handed play a lot, but I also understand that "MTT variance sucks!!" Probably doesn't want to hear about a SNG game that is mixed with a slot reel.

The happiness = expectations - actual is perfect for all situations, expectations maybe is used too much as a positive tool now to make obvious the meaning.
Expectations are 100% set by us, and unless you beleive in "the secret, power of attraction!!!!@@@!@" most the time actual can be influenced by us but mostly still up to things beyond our control. This in no way implies setting low expectations, it is setting expectations in line with reality. Don't set expectations for things you can't control (I don't EXPECT to win this tournament, I do expect to play my A game the whole time... if I don't win the bird, but I played great, I am happy).
If I get A2o, for example, in vs A8s, I can either expect to win (with a lot of chops) 23% of the time. I can also expect to win 100% of the time. My happiness in the latter will be miserable because I don't meet expectations most of the time. Clearly this was a 100% random selection of hands to compared (fwiw, absolutely loved the play)

Best of luck, 100% respect your decision to not play main, it's tough to not play when you see people winning millions, but it seems obvious you are way +ev in that bird, so if you have doubts it's not because your A game isn't there, it's obviously because there is a doubt of maintaining a game, which you outlined well... feel like that admission itself is really incredible, apply that to all situations in poker, the down swings, the variance, be just fine.