Zoom player on GG currently, previously played on stars, might switch back sometime when they ban me or f*ck me over, but right now I feel like GG>Stars.

Wanted to get to HS or MS but never beat anything higher than 10z.

Always super results oriented but at the time dont care about money too much.

Cant understand variance.

Main goal is not to tilt or let poker affect my life in any way negatively, so I do not absolutely count the money I have on acc or I have cashout from poker for day to day livings.

I will update this thread once a month, usually last day of the month sometimes maybe more often.


My PT4 cant track hands from GG dno why, I dont care too much too tbh, Imported like 20k hands it showed 8k, so I use oldschool notepad to track everything.

Start: Did not play for 3 months, deposited 50€ on GG before christmas, wanted to play 5z, lost 1st session, was BE 2nd session obv, no time to wait, straight to nl50z + nl5z and managed to win 50€, so I cashed out the 50€ I deposited and it left me 50€ BR for january and promise to myself only nl5z and no tilt shots, the money does not matter anyway, just try to beat the tilt monkey in the head.

Now I feel like im the monkey in charge of the bananas.

January:



All NL5z

Total winnings: +132.53€/160.86$
Money won: ~6.15€/7.46$
Winrate: ~0.22bb/100
Rakeback+Bonus+Leaderboard+other= +126.38€/153.39$
Total winrate: ~4.75bb/100
hands: ~67700

I had a goal that I get my BR up to 250€ and I will take nl10z shot until I fall to 150€ or get to 425€ (5bi shot for 25z)

I play in dollar tables because that what GG has but I see my BR in euros (bb/100 i tried to calc in dollars obv)

Today I achieved my goal, Br is 250€+ thats why I made the thread.

Sadly after being breakeven from like 19th january until 11th february I did a calculated tilt shot 50z I put myself stoploss -20bb or -1bi when I get obvious spot where I have to ship or until 10 minutes is over when I had to leave home, was lucky managed to win in those 10 minutes, +48.41€ so over 100bb+, was happy and sad at the same time, could have easily lost 50$... + I did something I should not do.. thats why stars is good, I have table limits always, sad that GG dont give me this option but who cares, I have to just be mentally strong not to yolo it.

Wont play couple of days probably.. When I start then from 10z, hopefully it will take faster than 6 weeks to get to 25z shot, but if not then who really cares, even if I win 50€ a month it's still good for me.

Jim Lahey at your cervix, pleased to meet you bud

The **** winds are blowin bobandy

The liquor is calling the shots now, Randers.


Anyway I said I will update once a month but decided to do a little update...

Months is going so and so.. Started it off at nl5z played 10 minutes of 50z, played 3 minutes of 100z, don't really know why, I guess I had a bad morning understood fast that I'm doing thing that I told myself I'm not going to do and luckily it ended up like 90€ or so, it was in the beginning of the month.. have not played r3tard ever since...

Ran like garbage, moved up to 10z, ran like absolute garbage but played pretty decently and then as you know in zoom games, boom +15bi in 2 days, something like +10bi in the evening and +5bi in the morning I guess I added the flipout luckbox tourney to the winnings (22$ or so) so basically yes, 150€ in 2 days, its more than 15bi, maybe in dollars like 18...

Took a day off to wait for the evening when I'm happy and shot 25z, did feel that 25z was alot nittier than 10z and more folds, alot more folds and less spewy spots... 10z seems like just come play solid and put the hours in and you can't lose if you don't tilt, 25z feels the limit where I really have to think more and stay focused... Played super good ran awfully in some key spots, because shotting with 5bi is so so luck dependant, feels like with the LB RB and other promos I am able to beat it... started the session at around 440€ ended something like 345€ and decided I won't go tits up til I fall to 300 because re grinding this 130€ can take 2 days or 3 weeks or who the hell knows...

Took another day off and started back in 10z, ran randomly, cant hold my hands, cant bink in run it twice or losing 90-10 when running it twice ( i do run it twice when my gut tells me to do, usually I always ask for run it twice when im flipping or behind and usually never agree to run it twice when I'm favourite, except vs fishes, I know they want to run it twice, ok lets go then)

Now sitting at something like 345€ so yeah, 80€ to go until new shot.

Anyway tried to do something I USUALLY dont do: study with solvers, watch videos and think through the spots in the videos where alot better players talk about their thought process, luckily, happily or whatever most the spots would have played out the same for me, because before I quitted in the september or october I tried to study alot. Coming to a conclusion if let's say all the regs are quite equally skilled then the mental game will be a winner, ive seen them regs crack under pressure, spew alot, some slightly loose calls and nitty folds etc, in the long run over millions of hands this is where the edge comes IF everyone is solid, which is also not true that everyone is solid imo... variance plays such a big part anyway so under 300k hand sample I don't even consider a sample... I used to think that 30-50k hands is a enough big sample... yeah maybe in 2003....

What did I learned when I marked 8-9 hands and analyzed them?

I made 1-2 mistakes postflop AND the other 6-7 spots would never ever happened if I had played my preflop ranges right, from all the liquor and weed obviously my part of the brain that can remember stuff doesn't work really well anymore, even though basically for months in the summer I had "studied" the preflop charts but still calling too loose OOP or 3betting a bit loose. whatever. anyway my conclusion is I have to either start learning and memorizing the charts one by one, just a bit everyday or play them opened on the other screen... well you cant have like opened 20+ charts and clicking between them takes time and is suspicious for your gameplay too, even more in GG where they ban you for every slightest mistake, so probably should do like CO vs UTG 3bet, SB vs Co 3bp, and BTn vs SB 3bp, just 3 charts a day or so... but then I felt like in the end I still have to remember them and I will go the legit way, I will start to slowly re learning them and obv marking and hoping that I can use a solver not to just see that every mistake would not have happened if it wasn't for preflop....

My laptop is pretty weak and I can only solve 3bet pots or there is no ram, and lately the computer has gotten even weaker and I cant get the solves if the solve needs like 5gb ram.. sad but what can I do, I don't have the money to buy a decent laptop and I wouldnt cashout my roll too, probably from 50z++ I have to do it no other way around...

I am pretty happy with my mental game, my ability to mark hands and really analyze them not just have 200 marked hands and never check them, and I'm happy to see when watching bluffthespot youtube or similar that my thought process is close to MMAsherdog when reviewing those hands, if its 10z, 50z or 500z, so pretty happy about it... just the progress is so slow and I can't wait til i play some limit where I can cashout finally something...

What the future will bring? I don't really know... I just keep going with my own pace, will check that I won't burn out and that I constantly atleast try to study, even when its 1-2 hands analyzed over like 2-3 days, consistency and not tilting is the key to win the money in poker in 2021 when everybody is pretty solid imo. I hope the games won't die or atleast not to the limits I plan to reach (slight winner in 100-200z would be a dream, 500z+ would be really what I want but I try to stay realistic with my goals.)

If anyone has good tips how to improve my game with computer what can solve only up to 4-5gb RAM solves, let me know.

Currently up around ~150€ this month, but everything can happen, Will make update how it really went on the last day of the february or first day of march. Hopefully I can reach 25z fast, because it would take alot of time to grind it to the 50z shot, which I aim at 1500€ BR (my games are in dollars), almost like 50-60bi needed for it or even more...

Hard with GG is that I don't have HH and I don't HUD the vpip numbers really don't tell anything, I have to memorize the regs name and their AVG vpip to have any use of it, some days some guys all I see is 16vpip the other day they are 28vpip... but al i know is that they are regs no other info, when I see a really good exploit or misplay I try to make notes but let's be honest Ive done like 4 notes in 100k hands...

Hopefully I don't burn out and I can reach 25z before summer with healthy BR like 750-1000€

EDIT: forgot to mention that the anxiety and mental mood swings and fear are coming back a little bit, I didnt have it in 5z or 10z at all, but in 25z I'm feeling bad when I lose even like 4bi(100$) because it is big money for drunk trailer park supervisor also I feel sad the next morning and depressed after losing, not wanting to get out of bed and go to gym etc. Feeling like "What If I fail again? What If one day i just spew it in 200z or 500z and all my hard worked months are cleared in a second, or even worse what if I never beat 25z/50z/100z/200z? will i keep playing in 10z pool for ever and just take it as a little few hundred bonus every month? I know I can't take it, I know I wan't to get to the limit where I can invest 1k$ a month from my winnings or have a vacation or buy ***** balenciagas or whatever... what if I never learn how to study properly or what if the games are so reg infested that no one will wil, what if they regulate poker even more, what if what if (insert 100 bad scenarios)... this is the thoughts I did not have when I did not play... but what I did not have when I did not play too? hope... grinding it up is basically the only way out of monetary misery for me, not maybe for you or them but for me I see poker the only hope to live a good life someday in the future... but what if...."

February:



Feb:

Total winnings: +233.17€/281.55$
Money won: +98.17€/118.54$
Winrate: ??
Rakeback+Bonus=Leaderboard+Other = +135€/163.01
Total winrate: ??
Hands: 42250

Stakes played NL5z, 10z and 25z, (under 100 hands of 50z and 100z combined also, feeling so bad that I did it and so grateful that I won when I did)

Pretty happy with the month, except my dumb lil brain played like 100 hands nl50z and 100z... Happy that I won this month, when I'm really humble then I feel like everything over 100€ is good, when I'm bit greedy and moody I feel like it's nothing and I ever wonder if I can get more than that... but to be really honest, I am happy with this month, I hoped for around ~200€ even tho we should NEVER make monetary goals in poker but what can I do, I still like to secretly do it.

Happy that I got my first 25z shot this month already which I unfortunately failed but I was not too sad about it, I was happy I got it and happy that I moved down even before the stoploss I did put for myself.

Not too happy about the volume, didnt check how many hands I've played before today, I thought it was more like 70k but lol 45k only, I had many off days and weekends when I didn't play and it's okay, as I said in first post the most important thing for me right now is not to tilt, have great balance with real life and don't burn out and get too obsessed, so I can say yes I did almost everything perfectly.

BR now at 415€, from 425€ I'm thinking about another shot and stoploss at ~300ish..
At the same time I'm worried, what if I fail another shot and spend the whole month grinding it slowly back, is it worth it? maybe I should up my BR before shot? but why.. I know it's good for my happiness and mental game to slowly close these +150, +200, +150 etc months, but let's be real, I still want to play for the real money and keep going up the stakes rather than stay 10z grinder part time for life. I feel like variance have been on my side just before the 25z and right after the 25z shot, the 3-4-5 weeks before it felt like unreal ridicilous lol BE run where money didn't move up or down too much. I feel that I played almost perfectly by my own standards and did alot of great folds, great calls and overally was thinking in every major spot instead of just clicking buttons what I've done all previous years.

Goals for March is up my volume, hopefully around 70k hands but I won't check how many hands I played before end of the month, it is what it is, if its 40k okay, if its 90k, great.

Another goal is to keep marking hands where I'm absolutely not sure what to do.

3rd goal would be to not tilting and closing every session when I feel the tilt in me, to be honest I absolutely closed everytime all sessions when emotions got to me, so probably I can keep on going like that.

Will keep playing 10z until my bankroll is over 25z and the leaderboard for the day is over, for example if tomorrow morning I win fast 30€ I still play the whole day 10z til the leaderboard is over for the day, even when I'm risking losing stacks and falling under 425, it's best for my discipline to do so.

GlGl everyone and I hope I can break through to 25z in March, atleast I will do my best.

Next update will be maybe in the middle of the month when I'm already in 25z or who knows...

Sad to say but my mental game is not ready for NL25, took a shot at 425e, ran it up to 496e and fall back to 377e, absolutely devastated, super tilted, snapping at everyone IRL, feeling like I want to get to a fight with everybody, cant respond to normally without raising my voice etc.

Did one very bad call for my last hand of nl25 lost 425bb 3bet pot, 116bb of it was 100% my fault, no one is raising 200bb stacks on the river without nuts, called down with AA when I knew it was a set. before that hand I knew if the LB is over for the day I will grind to 525e before I take another shot in NL25, 4bi is ALOT of money for me and 4bi IS NOTHING in zoom games.... sadly my BR is now at 377e, so maybe month or two to grind hardcore 10z and try to get 7-13$ LB atleast 15 days this month.

I wish poker wouldn't affect my mental state, well NL5 and NL10 doesn't but as soon as I move up and the money really means something to me + the doubt that can I even beat the limit, then I can't handle losing, I feel super good when I win like 2 buy ins in NL25, because 50$ is alot of money to me, but when I lose 4-6bi I'm completely off, feeling like I take the all the BR to nl200z or roulette just to get back even and see my BR growing but thank god my mental game is reached the level where I don't do it anymore.. I have busted I think 50+ bankrolls over 15 years grinding it up to 0->500$ ad then bust it in NL1k or NL500 or roulette etc. and btw NEVER I had heater or ran good when I took those shots, always went broke, always, variance never smiled at me.

I just feel completely empty now. 377 to 525e grind takes alot of time and 2 hours ago I was at 496e.. I just can't handle losing.

I just want to live right and do good and give positive vibes, but as soon as things don't go as I planned I feel anger and I feel that I want to hurt people just so they would feel how I feel inside. I feel like if I'm suffering you have to suffer.. I know it's not right way and it's idiot way to think but I just write what feelings I have.

Most people start going to gym or start martial arts to have a good, healthy fulfilled life, I started because I wanted to be stronger and to dominate people, so no one could tell me nothing, so I could win fights, so people would listen when I tell them something.. I did the right things for the wrong reasons, I never even wanted to compete in boxing, I just wanted to be good enough so I could smash people when I need it. it's ridicilous how much evil I have inside me when things don't go as I plan... idiotic.




But if we are now realistic I guess I have played 7000 hands in NL25 and I've lost around ~162$ total that's like 6.5 buyins? I don't feel the 25z is that tough that I can't play it atleast breakeven and collect LB/RB everyday. alot of doubts in my mind, so hard to force myself to grind 10z for a month or two now.. the things why I took a break for 3-4 months are right back as soon as I lose a bit in the stakes that I have no proof I have ever beaten before.

I might just cash everything out and invest in crypto and rebuild from 50$ from NL5... I don't know... I just want to play nl100+++ but I can't keep myself together when I lose 6bi in NL25, i dont know anymore what to do.

I keep this thread just to express my thoughts and my progress.. take care all, I now go and meditate and have cold shower and go to work...