Very interesting read! I like how your mind works, subbed.

Are you playing at Bovada or at other sites?

Update:

<warning whiney/ranty blog update>

Poker Update: Took a shot at 10/20. In 5k hands I ran 25k below EV. Yes that's $5/hand below EV. For what it's worth, I won 7k paper there in those hands and I definitely ran awful as far as set-ups go. Probably not going to even bother playing it again despite me feeling I'd definitely be a long-term winner there. Just super tired of running awful every time I play higher. The only way I'd play again is if I could pay someone 250/month to correct my EV line - which would give me more confidence knowing every flip I lose doesn't matter. Sadly, I doubt anyone would do this despite that being 2.5k/EV a year for them.

The plan is I'm going to take a few weeks off and just chill instead of trying to pressure getting it back. Not going to lie I totally ruined my bankroll doing this and it's back to probably 2/4 & 5/10 for foreseeable future. Pretty unbelievable run of cards, thought I turned a corner this last year but old habits die hard (I was previously -450k below ev lifetime, which I love to whine about). For some reason this recent run is kind of bothering me, which reflects poorly on my emotional control. Definitely killed all my motivation/momentum as far as poker goes but I'll use that extra time to work on other areas.

I've always been very careful with shots despite having edges just cause I do feel it's like playing with fire. Losing hurts more than winning, and flips all of a sudden matter immensely. It's good to think ahead and think about what you'll do if you run in the bottom 0-10% percentile of a shot. If it'll affect you (and your motivation) it's probably better to just skip it in my experience. I'll remember that for next time (maybe later 2016..)

Life update: Still travelling and will be doing a 10-day meditation retreat in the next couple weeks. It's 10 hours a day/meditation with no talking (Vipassana). Super excited to do this and if it's insightful I'll write up a TR. Also booked a vacation (week long hike in February with the girlfriend in a sunny part of the world!). Beginning to work-out more & eat a little better so I'm gaining momentum there.


Goal update: I plan to still write out 2016 goals but I'm planning to do that post-meditation cause I think it'll be better.

Finance update:

Oil hit 29$ barrel and I bought my last tranche of Baytex. No more $ to spend on it so it's wait & see time. I have roughly 38,XXX shares with an average cost of $3.4Xish. It's a highly leveraged play; if oil doesn't rebound I'll lose 80%+ of my investment (if not all). But if oil rebounds to 45+, which I believe it will this year, then I should be onside and begin making a profit on this trade. Plan is to hold it & not sell out if it goes up a bit. It got **** on this week with Iran & China news, but all the negative sentiment really makes me feel this is a good spot as far as stocks go. It's a bit like catching falling knives with how people are viewing energy stocks right now, but let's see what happens (currently 2.36 or something, so I'm offside around 40k for the moment haha). Also for what it's worth, stock variance doesn't bother me one bit at all - I invested the whole way down in the '08 '09 crisis. It's more a matter of whether I think it's a good bet given the information I have (which I believe it is). Lets goooo!

Fishtankz,

In the past I've revealed my SN and had people find me in chat (Even though now I turn off chat for all games) However, I now prefer to be anonymous (as far as SN's and sites go).

Final note: the next post will be positive I promise! Just had to rant a little for therapy reasons

Good luck in the meditation retreat that you will do . I think it will be hard but it will be interesting to see what happens . And if it makes you feel any better 450k under EV is something that is ****in' mind-boggling !

I was thinking of doing the 10 day sitting too let me know how that goes.

what symbol is baytex? I'll probably buy some too just to gamble

I am also going to buy some Baytex(BTE) just because I believe that OP knows what he's up to.OP do you know if they have enough cash to not go bankrupt assuming oil dips below $20? Company would go to all senior bondholders right?

I am also interested in Hornbeck Offshore Services(HOS).Do you like this company?

What online trading platform would you use for a newbie?I am Irish/American citizen fwiw but living in Ireland for past 24 years.Trying to find the lowest cost site to trade stocks. Includes taxes, yearly maintenance fees etc...

Subbing

ugh BTE down 16% today.Might just jump in tomorrow and hop on the(fingers crossed) gravy train to recovery.

If you have % of a portfolio (something you can emotionally lose) I really do think BTE is a great spot. There are other ones. HOS (Hornbeck) is alright... but it's not going to have the bounce that a Canadian stock like BTE will have.

My only regret is I jumped back in a little bit too early, but to be honest that's pure hindsight. It is next to impossible to predict/time the bottom. I'm offside about 38% on my average buy price but I really do like my spot. This 38% doesn't really bother me because long term the upside ROI will be 250%++++ assuming oil doesn't stay sub 40 through 2016. Iran news just sank it further and oil is @ 28. I've put in about 140k and I'm contemplating selling other parts of my portfolio so I have liquidity and get more if it hits sub 1.8 or so in a month assuming the thesis stays the same (which I believe it will). This is the first time I've actually been excited about stocks since '08 because I think this is a spot.

Put it like this: Hornbeck is safer and is still a good bet in my mind. Baytex is a better bet (imagine doing a % decision tree where you think oil will be in a year, then multiply that out by expected stock price and Baytex is best). Another added bonus is it's a Canadian oil stock - this matters because Canadian stocks have their costs in CAD, but sells in US dollars. When you convert it back you get an exchange rate boost due to our dollar getting absolutely crushed lately.. I'd only buy Canadian over American for this reason alone (and I have exposure on both sides of the market)

The other ones I like are: Crescent Point, Cardinal Energy. But once again, I've done a lot of work on Baytex and believe this is the best bet. If you can stomach volatility I really do think it's a great spot to buy an amount you feel that won't kill you if it goes down (which can happen).. This is obv a function of how much investing power you have and how much risk you're willing to take, but even something like 5-10% of your portfolio would be a great bet in my mind. DON'T sell it just hold when it spikes (and it will have spike days).

Trading platform I personally use Scotia iTrade. Trades are $9.99, fees are low (it might be because I have a bigger portfolio though) and I don't do much trading (more long-term investor; Baytex is the only thing I've done in the last few years outside of adding to ETF's).

Good luck if anyone else gets some (but seriously, ONLY put in what you can afford to lose.. this is not a guarantee or anything, just in mind a great bet [albeit risky])

edit: Yeah it's down to 1.99 on the CAD side.. pretty nuts. My exposure is already quite high, but I'll post when I buy more (if it doesn't go up in the next 2 weeks - I'll probably buy then... If I didn't already have all my exposure I'd snap buy now and live with consequences. And yeah didn't see your Q,, but if oil goes down to $20 (and stays there) we're screwed.. any baytex stock is worth toilet paper (as with a ton of other O&G companies)

Yea i'm going to put in an amount that if I lose I won't be worrying at all. I will be dealing with long term buys and holding until oil hits like 70$ and then start selling pieces.Some of the news is quiet worrying but whatever there will be a bottom out price and if we wait long enough oil will obv recover.I would be inclined to hedge a bit and invest in some of the less volatile options just incase baytex does indeed go bust.Still, should it bounce back it will be very lucrative

You've got the right idea. Good luck sir I'll be with you on the ride (don't panic and jump off early!

Wow can't believe I just found this thread, GL Katsuya!


Btw this is a spot I have been struggling with a lot in 3bet/4bet pots OOP vs regs. What's a good flop sizing here OOP? 3/5 pot is my default but I feel like it's still too big. Is it better to cbet 80% here but with smaller sizing?

Another (personal) life update:

My life just got thrown a huge curveball. I'm going to finish this month as of today at about -15k and paper earnings of over 15k in a 10k hand sample of hands. Ran really bad but that's how it goes/don't care. Market has been getting killed also but that's fine too. What's really making me feel like crap is I'm breaking up with my GF of 15 months. This was the first time I honestly feel I've been in love and it's really tough. This is the understatement of the year.. I feel absolutely anxious and dreadful of what's to come. I've been lucky to date some great girls, but always back of mind I'd always think yeah but.... Break-ups I've dealt with them before (just fine) but this is a different beast entirely and I'm questioning I'll ever be able to get over it. With her, I was genuinely excited about the future and what I thought we were capable of. We just want different things; I wanted more and it's clear I was more into her. Bluntly put, I'm not what she wants/needs. Emotionally, I invested a ton into this relationship and this is the worst I've ever felt in my life. That's not a knee-jerk reaction that's just how it truly is. She was truly gorgeous but this went way beyond looks (I know because I've been in relationships for looks but this was the real thing). Just a really cool ****ing person. My life as a whole has kind of become out of balance because of this (becoming too dependent on her for everything I suppose) I moved to a different country with her and now that she'll be leaving I'm likely going to become isolated as a result and that's not a great place to be when you're feeling the way I am. My lease is up end of April but I'm not sure when she's leaving (just that she is) or even when I should go. I don't have any connections where I am right now (besides her).

Poker is going to be put on hold for obvious reasons:

1) I am in no state of mind to play, nor will be in the next 2 months or so, minimum. Just doesn't matter to me at all right now.
2) I need to make some new life plans.. I am thinking about moving to Vancouver, Canada and trying to begin anew.

I think this blog might best be shifted to another forum, if anyone has any ideas, because poker content in the forseeable future will be next to nil. This is more of a post about the personal changes I need to make in the future and what I can do to make sure I don't become trapped/depressed. Fwiw, Fast1135 I'm planning to break down that hand in detail (as well as 3betting thoughts in general) on a detailed post later, just right now doesn't feel right.

This is pretty personal and I'm not sure why I'm writing this out there but hopefully it helps me I guess to write it out:
edit: Realize writing this out here, to the internet, is obvious a reflection of my lack of network in real life.. Pretty sad obviously. Going to talk to a friend/family later today at least.

My temporary plan is to reach out to what friends I have and hopefully they'll be cool and understand a bit when I tell them just how bad I'm honestly feeling. I'm going to definitely get hyperdrive back into fitness in a months' time or so because working out definitely helps my state of mind. I'm also going to look into DHEA and begin taking it (boosts T levels/moods and just will help me build momentum). I'm also going to see a psychologist when I'm settled in a Canadian city again to really make sure I kind of steer myself right. On top of that I'm going to join at least 1 club + 2 activities; My personality definitely needs social connection and I think I really need to make the biggest effort of my life to meet some friends. Right now I feel super lonely and I know with the way I am it's needed in my life. I put myself in a spot where she was basically my only point-of-contact and now I'm completely lost (obviously this was a huge mistake) I just don't even know where to begin. I know this is a poker forum and I'm just a stranger to anyone reading this, but yeah if you have any words of encouragement/advice that'd be appreciated.

Good luck all,

Aww man I feel for you, I really do. You are obviously not feeling good right now but the fact that you have been thinking of activities to pull yourself out of this (gym etc.) really shows that you have your head screwed on. Take your time and leave natures' emotions take their course and then come back stronger than ever.If ye weren't meant to be together it's better to part ways now than down the road when it could get more complicated.I wish you the best.

Kazuya nice thread, too bad its coming to an early ending for now.

A 10-day retreat is quite a marathon man! It could be an uphill battle if you haven't previously done a 1 or 3-day retreat before. I have friends try this style of practice in Thailand and if they lack experience with meditation they unfortunately often quit early. Hope it goes well.

As for your living situation, if you are in a foreign country and don't have a social structure I would probably just leave before April and lose the rent. Why waste an extra 3 months, especially if it will constantly remind you of your past relationship. A new start will help and "out of sight, out of mind."

I usually just lurk nowadays but I have enjoyed your thread. I hope everything works out.
If you move forums make sure to let us know.

goodluck

Definitely gotta do bolded. Just do any/every random activity that is going on in your community. Consistent things where you get to know the same people are also good, like volunteering or a cooking class. Also don't be a stranger. Talk to girls in produce sections. Ask dudes for their numbers immediately after realizing you have something in common, etc.

I've had 2 "but they were the real thing!" girlfriends in my life, it gets better man and when you meet the real thing, you will want to call up previous gf and thank them. I don't mean in a mocking or condescending way, I mean sincerely thank them. Because without the perfect series of events that they played a part in, you would have never met the love of your life. And if they are no longer with you, they are not the love of your life. It gets better. Trust me.

It's hard for friends/family/strangers on the Internet to show you the compassion you want in these situations, but a year from now when you're dating a smoking redhead that wakes you up with bjs and warm pancakes, you'll say "Ava buddy, you were right".

Don't talk to her...let her go. Don't be friends. Be happy you get to start a new path in life. And start it.

Aww sorry to hear that, I'm sure you will get out of this a stronger person.


Here's a video you might find helpful. It's from a very successful relationship coach:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAyZajdTGTU

She didn't deserve you man ! If a girl can't take that a man is so in love with her that's probably some deep issue that she has with accepting love .

Now I don't know if her parents were divorced but NEVER date with the intention to marry, a girl who has her parents divorced ! They have SOOOOO many insecurities regarding male/female relationships . Even us, guys, are affected in ways that are not so conscious if our parents are divorced . The ONLY exceptions is if she was raised a lot by her grandparents or other relatives who have been in a very stable relationship since forever .

I have talked with a bunch of girls ,as a friend, who's parents have divorced and they all had this ingrained feeling deep down that no relationship ever works out, that the man cannot be trusted, some sort of anxiety when it comes to things going to well .


I don't know if this specifically your situation but maybe it will help you in the future or maybe someone else who might be reading this . Do some research on this subject , we as humans are very "damaged" by whatever has happened to us (around us) when we very young .

PS : This is coming from a guy who is in a very stable and happy relationship for 4 years
PPS : Find a stable girl (if that even exists haha) , you'll thank yourself in the longrun ( most +EV decision )

Update?

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. Even had someone PM me & tell me about a similar situation with some helpful advice. Feel bad cause I read it and haven't yet responded; but thank you it has helped. I've been avoiding updating this thread for a while because I'm just not sure what to say. I'll just start writing and go from there.

Re: Baytex

It's up to 5.50 as of now. I still have my full position. Kinda funny reading my post 90 days ago being all excited about it (it was at 1.99 when I last talked about it - up 278% from that point; talk about a perfect storm 3-months ago). So I went from being offside about 56% of my investment to being up around 60% and in the black about 80k or so as of today. Really wish I just doubled down at the bottom but I was pretty stretched at the time and I'm not gonna worry about it. Hopefully someone (Jimmerz? Spazzbox?) followed me in at that point as that was pretty much the nut bottom. Plan is to still hold it as long-term thesis has not changed at all. I do think there's still a probable chance oil dips back below to $30ish but that's just a guessing game. In that case that it does I'm planning to sell 1/3 of my investment @ 4.75 with the plan of re-buying back in at a later date. I won't be unloading my full position this year that's for sure. Baytex shortened up their line of credit, debt ratios still look good (2016Q1), is on May 3rd so I'll know more. They'll show a loss, obviously, but I think everything looks good at this point. Arguably I'd say it's still undervalued FWIW. I still believe it's either going to make me 250%+ or I'll lose some money on it. Planning on taking on what I believe is the highest EV route with every decision and not try to 'lock-in' winnings or anything like that (there's still a lot of value to be had/it will go on a big run when oil truly rebounds)

Re: Poker

This update will be easier. I haven't played any since last update. I feel extremely lucky I'm in a position where I don't need to work when I'm not in the best state of mind and that's a blessing in and of itself. Once I move in a few months I will be planning to play 400+ hours late August-rest of year. It's kind of funny but I still feel really sharp despite not practicing. When I start-up again I'm going to do a 4-month 80k/400hour challenge and see if I can hit that cold-turkey after not playing since Jan 2016. But before that, I don't think I'll play before then.

Re: Life

I'm still living abroad with my girlfriend. Things on the surface are 'ok' but the fundamental issues I talked about earlier still exist. Luckily we're both pretty mature, there's zero animosity and we still have fun despite it being a 'weird' dynamic. Our day to day lifestyle has been good, and I'm in a better state of mind than 3 months ago. I've been trying to focus on myself & set goals/get healthier and that's where most of my energy has been going. Results have been slow but I've been taking steps in the right direction. Gym is starting to pick back up and I really want to keep that momentum going. For anyone who plays full-time, I can't stress enough how important it is to keep your body/mind healthy & working to maximize your results in poker. It's just needed discipline if you truly want to do well in poker. As for my girlfriend, I don't anticipate her being a big part of my life once we've moved back home. And that's in less than a month. I'm moving back to Canada in less than a month. From there, I plan to visit family/friends and eventually move to Vancouver and set-up a life there. At that point, I'll be looking to play some poker (start that challenge), continue working out , join activities/clubs like discussed and try to just re-build a social life from the ground up. On the off chance any lurkers live in Vancouver LMK.

Re: Vipassana

I'll make another post for this one. It's really important and I want to TR my experience with it. I'll write that up now.

Vipassana:

This TR is pretty personal/long. It won't do it justice as I'm not that great of writer and It's quite choppy. Plus I'm just whipping it out about 50 days after the practice. But if you are interested, I believe it's worth the read.

Vipassana is a form of meditation. Long story short, it's a purification of the mind. What does that mean? It means becoming a master of your own mind, realizing what it does, what affects it, how to take ownership of it and lead a better life. Its roots are from buddhism; I want to stress it's not a conventional religion. There are no gods, no one to worship, no religious artifacts. I was drawn to it because I've always been envious of people who can meditate/seem truly happy and not always reaching for a bottomless well of 'wanting'. The results are 'felt' there are no do this and then in the afterlife you'll be rewarded aspect of it. It's all internal. For what it's worth I'm an atheist and I'm not one of those stereotypical 'cosmic' people that you might think things like this is for. I've never done meditation seriously before this course. I went a did a 10-day retreat learning the technique (100 hours of practice).

The day-to-day approach was as follows:

4am - Wake up
4:30-6:30 - Meditate
6:30-8:00 - Breakfast
8:00-9:00 Group meditate
9:00-11:30 - Meditate
11:30-1:00 -Lunch
1:00-2:30 - Meditate
2:30-3:30 - Group meditate
3:30-5:00 - Meditate
5:00-6:00 - Tea
6:00-7:00 - meditate
7:00-8:00 - Group meditate
8:00-9:00 - Video
9:00+ - Bed

It's 10 hours of meditation a day. I probably wrote the schedule wrong but you can google it online. Your goal is to sit still and focus your mind. You start by learning how to focus on your breathing. If you're reading this, for fun, try this exercise now:

1) Sit cross legged, still, relaxed, with your back upright. Close your eyes and focus your mind solely on the area below your nostrils/above the upper lip. Your only goal is to observe your breathing by focusing your mind on it. See how many breaths you can take before your mind 'wanders' (thinks of something else/can't do it)

*When I started I could do 2 breaths, or roughly 5-seconds tops before my mind would wander. If that bothers you too, perhaps this is something that could benefit you as well..

Random preface for context: This was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's a completely different kind of 'hard' than say anything physical. I was challenged in ways I haven't been. I nearly quit, almost did, except for the fact that one of the 'coaches' there really helped me get through it.

It took me roughly 25-30 hours of practice before I could push past about 5-7 seconds of my mind wandering. By day 10. I could sit still for 1-hour easy (no moving/itching/nothing) and my mind would be clear/focused. It would not wander, and when it did I could quickly bring it back to the present moment and focus it. I'd say on hour 99 of practice I could focus/observe for roughly 55/of the 60 minutes. This was extremely hard to get to this point.

Day 1-3 I struggled getting used to sitting for 10hours/day and still fidgeted a bit/mind wandered lots. There is no books/internet/stimulants/talking etc I was stressed about being here and wandering if this was all for nothing. I had some doubts but knew I signed up for a reason and wanted to see it through with an open-mind. Unfortunately, I went in with a pretty ****ty state of mind because my girlfriend basically told me as I was leaving that she was unsure she'd even be back when I got back. This left me in a spot where I was kind of mind****ed and stressed about the future (high anxiety and worry; which is like the worst thing I could have going into a meditation retreat for 100 hours..)

Day 3 you learn the rest of the technique, whereupon you learn to focus/feel different parts of your body. Actually feel. This sounds silly writing it, cause if you haven't done this before it's unlikely to make sense. But you actually begin to feel/observe sensations in your body. I know everyone, litterly, knows what those words mean, but I mean that past the literal sense; you become more in-tune with your body. This stirred up emotions in me.

I broke down on day 6 and cried for the first time in like the last 10 years of my life. Everyday I was improving at the technique and new stuff was coming to the surface for me. The only way I can explain this is your mind is like an onion. Day-to-day life with electronics, social media, pressures, etc are the top layer. You remove that layer and begin going deeper into the core of it through observation/meditation. As you pull back layers, all the bull**** melts away and you're left with some hard, raw, truths. I realized what was wrong in my relationship. And a lot of shortcomings in myself. I realized I was anxious/clingy and extremely selfish in a lot of ways I wasn't aware of. I became acutely aware of how I affected those I loved in my life, and ways I could/should be a better person. It's funny, sometimes even with my parents I sometimes always thought: "Oh if only my dad was more like X, we wouldn't argue by Y" etc.. and then I realized and truly realized only in this moment that's that all bull****. You just how to love unconditionally. I realize writing that sounds silly, but none of this was done through rituals, being primed in any way, but only through observing my own mind. All these emotions definitely broke me and made me so much more aware of a lot of things going on in my life. Days 7-10 I finished off the course and left.

Observations:

-If you're wondering, there is no 'scam' or cult-y part about this. I was slightly skeptical going in as this is like nothing I'd usually ever do, but as someone who's not afraid to think independently, and critically, this is legit.

-It's extremely hard, at first especially, to begin breaking down habits. Day 2-3 & 6 I found the hardest. There are introductory courses that go 3-days. I strongly encourage you if you go to do it, take the 10 day course. After day 3, I was nowhere near where I was after day 10. It takes at least 25+ hours to break down habits before you can even begin learning new ones. 3 days is just not enough time to get anywhere.

-Not talking/internet/tv/etc.. that's all easy to give up. The diet was only vegetarian and probably 1500 calories a day and I'm definitely a meat eater (and eat closer to 3k calories a day); but that was easy too, it's just mind over matter. No exercise was much harder, but I did lots of stretching and you're allowed to walk on trails and stuff. This helped a lot.

-Learning to sit still became easier over time. It became kind of fun to 'observe' an itch appear and just watch it. Then you'd find it would just pass and be gone. You wouldn't even need to scratch it. You'd also sometimes get almost a 'waterfall' vibration effect sweep over your body. This was something I'd never experienced before and felt really cool; just awesome inner vibrations. Many times I'd leave the meditation session very lighthearted, almost skipping, and you would feel good. At the same time, I left some feeling very dark/worried and heavy. It would vary depending on the day and how hard I was taking the practice. The natural highs though, they were 'higher' and more sustainable than any psychedelic (I've done shrooms, acid, GHB before but truth be told I'm not much of a rec drug user at all; I did them all just to have that experience/social connection in the past) anyway, all those are chemically induced, where as this is just a natural high. It was amazing. For some parts you'll feel amazing. It's organic.

-I left with a clear/focused mind and I wrote down a bunch of things soon as I was done so I wouldn't forget. The first thing I wrote down was: "You have to do this again". It made me aware I took probably 1-2 steps down a very long path into my own mind. I want to go back/do it again and see how much farther I can go. Also go when I am not distracted by external life girlfriend problems and see what happens when I can fully focus on myself. I signed up for another course May 18th and I'll be doing it again. If people are still curious, I'll write a TR right after it so it's fresh in my mind (and not 50 days+ late like this one).

-Day to day my life has benefited from the practice. I'm more calm, less anxious, less worried about the future. I'm not 'reinvented' nor a 'changed' man. My views have not changed. I still eat meat, etc. I'm slightly happier and just a slightly better version of myself. I like it. I'm still pragmatic and the shifts in me have been quite minor, but positive. I do strongly believe personal relationships in my life will improve over time because of this practice. I've slipped some in my practice (it's good to try and do even 5-10 minute of meditation a day, once you know how.. and I haven't been) so I'm happy I signed up again. I think after 2-3 course the habits will really stick and I am optimistic I'll get incremental benefits each time. I really do encourage anyone and everyone who has read this to spend at least 20 minutes researching vipasanna and seeing is this is something that could be for you. I rarely vouch for anything, but I really do believe this is something great, and I look forward to having it be a part of my future/lifestyle in the future.

-If you're on the fence about it, or in a position in life where you're lucky enough to have 10 days to just spare. Just go try it. Trust me on this. I get nothing out of you going, except knowing that the experience I had with this practice, I can encourage others to try (It's even run by donations only, which they only take after you do the course).

Cheers everyone

Just coming across this thread and grunching to say GL

Welcome back! Glad your investment worked out. Was gonna follow you but opening a trading account was too much hassel haha.

Amazing