Hello everyone. I know it's been a good while since I've updated this thread. Since I last updated I had made real no progress. I was utterly ashamed that I had gotten all this good advice and kind words from people I looked up to and admired and hadn't been able to do anything with it.
I would sit in all day and night, play a stupid video game ALL day. It was an MMO and to further character development I had to do daily tasks to maximize myself which after awhile became not fun and super tedious, but it was mindless and gave me something to do while doing nothing at all. The game also doubled as a social outlet that enabled me to be carefree and child like, releasing my most morbid thoughts into a chat channel or voice channel and getting double the jollies when a teenager or someone in my 20's in a similar situation of lifelessness got a kick out of it. It's like real life with more dragons and much less women. Much, much less women.
I would spend my nights attempting to force tears, anger, any sort of emotion out of myself in bed, sometimes beating myself because I hated myself so much. It's 4am, I'm trying to force interaction on any sort of networking site or chat site with randoms in total desperation wondering why no one would talk to me. I isolated myself from places where people who may be wondering how I was doing were, but would think day in and day out how awesome it would feel if someone would ask me how I was that day or what was on my mind.
This went on until late May when my mother lost her job. Fairy tale-esque tragedy that gave me the motivation to grind, and grind I did. I ended up playing more poker in June and working harder on poker than I had in who knows how long. I ended up having a very good month and am now able to support the family until things change.
My mother is now attempting to work independently and do something she enjoys. Whether this is the smartest move for her, I am doubtful, but she supported me in my downtime and is more supporting of me living a frugal lifestyle than anyone else, so I will gladly support her as long as she needs me.
My June poker success brought me July life success as I left my house for the first time. I was able to do dinner with poker friends several times which helped me to realize that my life is great and that I'm an incredibly fortunate person, my misanthropy is not totally justified, and that it's OKAY to be myself.
That last bit was a huge one for me as finding out that I'm not so bad is such a huge thing that will manifest itself into confidence and happiness that people will gravitate towards. I'm self sufficient, without evil intent, and am an incredibly thoughtful person. I have a lot of things to like and be proud of myself for.
In the last month I've done dinners, dates (with actual girls!), drugs with randoms, and slept with the occasional hooker. I'm working out everyday to improve my form for the ladies and I hear it's good to be a generally healthy human being. The allure of a decent lady friend will probably be my biggest and most sought after obstacle as I'm 20, in Las Vegas, and not all that experienced. Women who have reached the promise land of 21+ in America want nothing to do with a man who can't drink, and women who are younger generally suck at life and ended up making me feel way better about myself. My sample size with them is pretty small, but god did those experiences suck.
I'm now looking forward to a less degen-y lifestyle. I will continue to find good people who I enjoy being around and setting small goals for myself like finding sick value oysters, running x amount of miles one day, finding some nice fresh produce and making a meal. I can be happy with things like these.
If I'm unable to break through that last bastion of the Vaginal Kingdom, Canada and other places await once I'm able to leave my family and I will crush poker in the mean time.
My life will be awesome and has been up this point. I can't wait to see where it goers.
Thanks again to everyone who posted and read this thread. I don't see myself being alive today had I not come back and read some posts here the few dozen times I did.