Bank -Roll Woes
I have a serious problem.....I blow my bank roll on purpose.
I've studied poker, I've read about the psychology of it too, I've examined and re-examined myself and the game. I've quit poker altogether. I've returned to do justice to myself and all the time invested in the game. Here's my problem:
I'm like a jekyl and hyde character. When I'm ready and prepared I play well. I can well handle the ups and downs of the game. But then are times when I'm sloppy. I'm ill-prepared. The slightest bad-beat has me steaming, and inevitably I blow my bank-roll. This works like clock-work. So I quit the game, vowing never to play again. Inevitably a few months later, I'm back, fresher, focussed, well-prepared. I play well. I can handle the ups and downs of the game. Then the focus starts to ebb. The preparation starts to go. I play sloppy. I blow my bank-roll. I quit, vowing never to play again....
Lately I'm beginning to think that part of me WANTS to fail. Since it has happened so many times then it must be the norm. As if this cycle comes from deep within me from a place that says that I doesn't deserve this kind of success. Why else do I constantly go through the same cycle. As soon as my bank-roll starts growing, its like a redhot ember burning away in my thoughts. I can feel its weight tugging away at my mind. I can't escape its pressure. Its there constantly night and day. Its like I can't handle the pressure of being successful at something. I get this sickly feeling that sooner than later I'm going to play sloppily, and I'll do so on purpose.
When I'm playing sloppily its like I'm in freefall, jumping without a parachute. I'm giving it all away, but who gives a ****? ****it, **** life, I'm falling...plummeting...who gives a ****..****it..and then I hit the ground...and then the pain starts.
I want to break this cycle. I want to start winning, and I want to know what it feels like to enjoy winning. I'm prepared to work bloody hard for it. I deserve it. I have got the scars to show for it.